Lately, I’ve been struggling more with the balance of who I am and how kink plays into that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still kinky. I love learning new knots and ties, being tied up, escaping and not escaping, etc. I love bondage of all types, really. I love sensation play and different type of pain and power exchange.
I still enjoy my kinky friends, particularly doing vanilla things with them. I’m great on still participating in the social and educational side of things. Classes? Sign me up! Fiber circle? Count me in! Tubing? Just say when!
It’s the playing with people I’m not in a relationship with – and even more, going to events where the focus is on sex and play – that I’m less comfortable with. Things have been heading this way for a while, but even more so lately.
Part of this stems from a need to protect my feelings, part of this stems from needing more connection than I’ve been getting, and the rest is me generally trying to mesh who I am with what I want and what I’ve been experiencing.
Things have been brought into even more focus lately as I’ve been pondering religion more. I’ve always been very connected to my spirituality – it’s how I made it through some very rough patches in life. Some of my closest friendships were formed because of religion of some type. While I don’t regularly read the bible or attend services, and I have no idea what label fits my beliefs, I prioritize God in my life.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I’m living the best life I could be living – if I’m living a life God would be pleased with – and what does that mean, really? My logic questions aspects of religion and God, but I feel a connection to a higher power that I can’t deny. It’s part of who I am. Thing is, my experiences with faith are all with very conservative folks, and so I feel like my faith and natural self are in contradiction. Recently, I’ve learned about a few religious practices that may be more liberal and not quite as strict. It’s disconcerting – did I give up on finding a community of like-minded individuals too soon? Or am I really the nuts one for being into the things I am but also believing what I believe?
I’m still not sure. Part of me thinks that if I had more faith in surrendering control to God, I’d have less of a need/desire to participate in power exchange. Part of me wonders if I had more release and comfort from faith, would I still need/desire the cathartic release of pain?
Despite all of that, I do know that I live my life with honesty and integrity to the best of my ability (and I’m always learning and growing in that). I try to give back and treat others with kindness. I try to do things in moderation. I try to make good, logical decisions.
I don’t know. I don’t have answers, I don’t know what I’m thinking or where things are leading. I just know that I want to find someone, someday, with whom I can share both parts of my life with – the spiritual side and the sexual kinky side – without judging/condemning me and without/condemning judging my friends.