Everything is Awesome

29 Mar

I set up one of my closest friends with a coworker, and they’re very much hitting it off.

I finally have friends at the new job.

I had the most amazing birthday of my life, and a huge number of friends celebrated with me and made me feel loved. Plus I had a fabulous meal, saw Dan Savage’s Hump (and he wished me happy birthday!), and went dancing for hours.

I recently saw Putnam County Spelling Bee (musical) and Pentatonix (concert) and Divergent (movie).

I had friends visit from Pittsburgh, went to the zoo, saw the Veronica Mars movie, and got an amazing manicure.

I had a great spa day with a friend for a pedicure and massage.

I pushed and my sister’s wedding is finally being planned, and I’m going to go home for it. I’m also going to travel to see my grandmother this summer, who I haven’t seen in a few years.

I bought some awesome new dresses, shoes, and a handbag.

I have an amazing, caring, sweet, romantic boyfriend, and things have been going fabulously. The sex is also mind blowing.

And I’m super obsessed with Pentatonix, including their individual members, and The Piano Guys. Check out some of these awesome videos.

Say Something by A Great Big World covered by Pentatonix: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dYlvdLdK9w

Cello beatboxing!!! by Kevin Olusola: Diamonds by Rihanna cover, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx8FP0vcFgw&list=UUJ0VEgLm5pu2ZfOQWzxnhWQ; Heart Attack, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPknp2oDdqQ&list=UUJ0VEgLm5pu2ZfOQWzxnhWQ

Let it Go and Rockabel’s Canon by The Piano Guys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Dakd7EIgBE and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV5_xj_yuhs

Asking Permission

17 Mar

I’m still with the new dude, and for the most part, things are going well. We had a drama-filled encounter with some friends of mine, and he handled it super awesomely. While I was upset for my friend who was suffering, the issue let me see a side of the new dude that I really appreciated.

I’m struggling for a few reasons, though. One, I feel like our conversations don’t flow as easily sometimes…Like I feel as if we should have more to say to one another than we do. I think he’s generally a quieter guy, but I’m not used to that. Two, I swapped my OkC profile to “Seeing someone,” and he said he would too…but 48+ hours later, and he still hasn’t, and he shows as having logged on a few times. This, in turn, is making me insecure and making me wonder if I should be concerned. He was the one pushing for exclusivity at first, so it’d be frustrating if he were seeing multiple people after that agreement was made. If you want to date around, just say so, and we can be open about it. I feel sort of nuts/in my head about it, though, and it makes it harder for me to bring it up. I don’t want to ruffle feathers.

Lastly, and on a totally different note, I’m not sure entirely how to incorporate D/s into things. In the bedroom, there’s an element of it. I don’t want to freak him out, but I also could use some pain in things… I don’t think he’s a sadist. He said he’s into toys and things insomuch as it turns me on, but I feel weird and extra freaky for wanting pain and things he isn’t really naturally inclined towards. He said something offhand today and I mentioned that it’d be hot, and he was all “you think everything is hot.” I’m sure he didn’t mean that negatively, but to me, it feels that way because I feel like I’m more screwed up in the head than he is in terms of my fantasies. I’m trying to take it slow and let things build, and just see what happens, but it’s difficult.

In the meantime, we have a rule that I’m to ask for permission before climaxing. This shouldn’t be difficult, but it’s hard as hell for me. I keep thinking it’ll be easier to ask next time. When we’re together, I don’t have an issue with it. When his hands are fucking with me, begging seems more natural. By myself, when he’s living his life and doing whatever, the thought of calling and interrupting his day to ask is humiliating and scary. I convince myself he’ll say no anyways, so why bother asking? It’s so stupid, because having to ask is hot as hell to me, and the thought that I would call and he’d say no is arousing too. I’m not really sure how to make it easier.

Sooo I have no clue how to go about dealing with these things, but that’s what I’ve been up to lately.

*edited* to add that I did at least tell him I was struggling to ask…worried that he’d judge me for the timing or I’d impose/interrupt him. He pointed out that the point is to give up control, which requires actually doing so and surrendering to him. Moreover, he reinforced that my asking turns him on, and is what he desires. Imposing implies that he wouldn’t want the call…I need to get it in my head that he wants my surrender, and that he gets off on that. Perhaps if I can frame it in my head as calling him pleases him, demonstrates my submission/obedience to him, than I will want to do it more.

It’s interesting, because he mentioned that part of the current arrangement we have is freedom. I’m allowed to touch myself however and whenever I want, as long as I ask for permission. It isn’t like he’s telling me to touch myself every day. He mentioned that he has no desire for the latter, because it may mean I was touching myself when I didn’t want to, which isn’t as thrilling for him. I tried, and will have to think of a better way to explain later, that if I’m touching myself in order to follow a rule, that in turn arouses me. Even if I didn’t want to before doing it, I’d enjoy it more because of that, because it meant I was doing it for him and the act of submission turns me on more than the touching.

New Romance

3 Mar

I’ve been super MIA, but this time it’s been all for good reasons.  I posted in mid-February about dating standards after I broke it off with someone I’d gone out with several times.  I started talking to someone new a few days after, and it’s like I summoned him with my list. He is all of the things I said mattered to me, and I’ve broken all of my dating “rules” since talking to him. Hell, even the way I reached out to him broke rules.

Anyhow, so far, it’s going very well. Things have moved very quickly…we’re exclusive, and it’s only been 2 weeks. That said, well, we spoke on the phone for more than 10 hours before we’d met for the first time, and so I feel like I know him better than men I’ve dated for months. It’s just really good. He’s into kinky things, he’s smart and snarky, he gets along with my friends, and he makes me feel desired and special. Plus the sex is fabulous…and I’m no longer worried about being unable to have sex, which is also fabulous. And he bought me roses…I’m infatuated as hell, basically.

Here’s hoping it doesn’t fall apart! (But it’s worth it, even if it does.)

Tickling Article

13 Feb

Came across an article today called “Why can’t  you tickle yourself?” See: http://mentalfloss.com/article/55043/why-cant-you-tickle-yourself.

Thing is, I can tickle myself. Not in the same places or as effectively were it someone else doing the tickling, of course, but it is possible. Now I’m curious, why is it I can do that? Upon further thought, I think it’s more that my skin is especially sensitive, especially my lower back, and with the right touch it’s easy to stimulate so lightly so as to get me to laugh or squirm. The surprise isn’t there, and it’s not the giggling/screaming type of tickling, but it’s a form nonetheless.

I really wonder about other people’s experiences with this.

Relationship Standards

10 Feb

I started my day today nearly having a nervous breakdown. I think it was mostly the fact that I accidentally overdosed on strong cold medicine, but it was partly based in truth. I ended things with a guy yesterday, and he took it super well. We’re going to try to be friends. Of course, today, I started second guessing that decision something fierce. I don’t have a lot of long-term relationship history, so I started worrying that maybe I ruined it, that maybe I should have tried to talk to him about things.

Thank goodness, a friend talked me down, validated my decision, and emphatically told me that the types of things that I ended it over are “worthy” enough to end something over. She suggested I think about what hard relationship limits for me would be, and what softer ones are. This is my attempt to do that.

First, some things to keep in mind:

  1. If you expect these things of someone else, cultivate them in yourself. (I really need to work on the first and last things under “hard” standards, for example.)
  2. Remember: I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where I’ve made significant compromises. Don’t settle, not yet.
  3. It’s not unusual to date a lot or have it not work out. Wanting these things isn’t unreasonable. You’re worth it.
  4. For any of these things, the examples are examples and the principles are what are important. If he can demonstrate the principle in some way, I’m fine with it.
  5. If one or two of the “hard” standards are missing but everything else is there, give him a chance and talk about it with him before cutting it off.
  6. These can, and likely will, change, as will their importance. Be OK with that. Don’t spend too much time comparing guys against these standards – live in the moment. Wait for it to feel wrong before thinking about it in any analytical way – when it feels right, let it be right.

None of the following is in any particular order.

“Hard” Standards

  • Be able to express his physical attraction – i.e. be physically affectionate, hold hands, make move to kiss, etc. (a level of physical assertiveness)
  • Want to spend time with me - and is hesitant for that time to end, i.e. no dates ending super early on weekend evenings unless ill or early-morning commitment, makes an effort to plan seeing me
  • Understands my humor – be able to tease/sarcastically banter
  • Be independent – it’s ok to care about/be close with family, but be OK going it alone; have a place to live, way of getting around, ability to feed and care for yourself, job to pay the bills; OK with me being busy, wants to share that and doesn’t resent it
  • Willingness and ability to make me feel special – can be myriad of things, such as holding open doors, paying bill, planning date, bringing flowers, not complaining about transit to see me (or general willingness to travel to me/convenient to me for first date or two), a particular look in his eyes, calling me on the phone, texting me flirty notes sometimes, physical affection, etc.
  • Willingness and excited to try new things – restaurants, comedy shows, dancing, festivals, traveling, kink or sex things, etc.
  • Wants to settle down at some point – desire to get married, have kids, have a house.
  • Socially adept – can interact with my friends successfully (success meaning doesn’t insult them – directly or indirectly, makes conversation with them), is polite, has friends of his own
  • Willingness and ability to communicate openly – makes light of awkward moments, texts/calls/emails, easy conversation, mentions how he feels, voices what he wants 

Softer standards

  • Believes in some form of higher power, or the potential for it
  • Hasn’t been married before
  • Doesn’t have kids
  • Kink/alternative lifestyle things (soft standard is being legit into it, turned on by it, on his own…this is a hard standard insomuch as someone is open-minded enough to try, re ‘try new things’ above)
  • Civically engaged – volunteers, votes, has passion for at least one issue, involved in community, involved with family (any of these things suffices – apathy is the big off-putter)
  • OK with various gender roles depending on situation
  • OK with living in suburbs, or even potentially moving elsewhere
  • Doesn’t want to rush into kids/marriage
  • Isn’t planning on moving within the imminent (~3 months) future
  • No more than 10 years older than me

Other things that are important to me

Traits that matter to me: social etiquette, humor, adventurous, open-minded, intellect, ambition, passion.

Hobbies/interests I’d love to share: country or bluegrass music, grilling, road trips, dancing, board games, stand-up comedy, television, books, going to movies.

I don’t know.

9 Feb

I’ve been MIA on here, which I regret a bit. Things are going, to say the least. First off, my mom survived her surgery and is recovering well (Thank goodness!).

Work has been interesting, to say the least. My boss is terrible. There was a brief chance I’d be reassigned, but it looks like that won’t be the case. I should get to do some interesting travel – and not to a warzone! My boss’ boss, the one who rates me, is really blunt and has acknowledged how terrible my boss is. Her frankness salvages the situation, at least a little. She’s planning on being extra involved to help save my experience, which I really appreciate. I’ve been struggling to find people to be friendly with at the office, which is frustrating a bit. When people talk to me, we get along OK, but I’m not getting close to anyone. I realized I need to modify my expectations. Work is work – it’s to make money, hopefully provide some motivation in life. It’s isn’t supposed to be my social life – I have friends for that. With that in mind, hopefully I can just do my job and be OK with that.

Otherwise, I’ve been busy. Other than the book club comprised of kinksters that I lead, I haven’t done anything kinky in ages. I was at Rapture in November, and lightly played, but that’s been it. Before that, it had been since June. Needless to say, kink hasn’t been a fixture as of late. I debated going to college night late tonight, but I’ve been absent so long that attending events fills me with a deep dread.

I’ve been dating, and that’s complicated. I don’t really want to go into it much in a public forum, but I don’t know what to do. As always, the vanilla guy is great in many ways, but he is really laid back, isn’t dominant in life, and that’s getting to me. It affects how much I can see him in a sexual way. On the other side, there’s a dominant dude I was talking to, but then I got scared of how intense our conversation got in terms of D/s and was uncertain about all that shit… that’s my life. It’s messy.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I want to just take care of myself and forget men entirely…but I also want to get laid. Thing is, I like myself less and less lately. I think the stress of work, family, wintertime, and dating confusion is getting to me. That, and I’m not thrilled with some weight gain from the last year. I don’t feel as confident, and my insecurity affects my interpretation of things. I’m also feeling my single-dom more. My friends in couples are making me want that more than ever, and that impacts how I act when dating. I feel like if I can’t make something work soon, I’m broken. Then I feel ridiculous for thinking that. I think I’m good with no kink, then I miss kink something fierce. I have no clue anymore.

I know I’m in a depressed state, and I hate that. I hate that I’m indecisive. I don’t like not knowing what to do. I don’t feel like I have control over anything right now. More than anything, I hate that my ability to follow the logical part of my brain is broken right now. I know I have people who care about me and love me. I know I need to not worry about things at work outside my control and try my hardest. I know I need to not date someone that leaves me thinking about all the little ways it’s wrong, I should only stay with guys who make me feel giddy and excited to be with them. I know that if I’m unhappy with my body I should watch my diet more carefully and work out more. Instead, I’m stuck in an endless cycle of confusing doubts, excuses, and anxiety. The more I try to balance all this shit, the more mentally exhausted I get. Maybe it’s time I find a therapist…only I literally have no time for that. I feel like I don’t have time for anything. I don’t have enough time for the people in my life and dating and me.

Always with the Dating

19 Jan

I’ve been weird about two things lately, dating-wise.

First, I’d been talking to someone for a while, and it was mostly in the theoretical and hypothetical, but it was about D/s and kink and relationships and protocol. Fun stuffs. I was being pretty bluntly honest about what I thought about different dynamics and my motivations for kink. Those are all good things. The second he acknowledged those things as if they may prove useful to him, I got really nervous about it all. I wanted to run away from it, immediately pretend none of that conversation had happened. Whenever I get real about D/s with people, even just in terms of discussions, I get scared.

I don’t know why protocol and D/s scares me so much, but it does. It terrifies me a bit. I spend equal amounts of time desiring submission (and D/s in general) and fearing protocols and losing control. I want to talk about it, because it’s important to communicate, but I also feel ridiculously like a skittish deer about to run away with the slightest sense of a hunter nearby.

Thankfully, I recognize I’m doing that. I’ve tried to step back and just sort of get to know the person organically, and ignore all the other crap unless we decide to actually pursue something. Because really, I shouldn’t tweak out about someone knowing D/s-y things about me when we’re not even dating. That’s irrational.

On another note, I went out a couple of times with someone who has a great deal of potential. If he’s kinky enough to be “in the scene” I’m unaware of it, but his profile indicates he’s into bondage and kink, so at least there’s potential there. I got weird on this one in that I’m not chatting about it to my friends.

Normally, I talk about my dating endeavors with some of my closest friends. I have maybe 6 people I over-share my love life with. Most notably, my friends that I see weekly who are my closest friends, I’m used to sharing all the dirty details with. I share my anxieties over initial messages, and my nerves about upcoming dates, and my excitement or sadness when things do or don’t work out.

This time, though, I’ve held back. On one level, I’m sick of dating, and all things it involves, including talking about it. I don’t want to get more excited than I should, and I don’t want to jinx it. I also am sick of getting excited and having it fail, and having loads of witnesses to those failures.

It used to be fun to share bad dating stories, but now I feel like one of those friends has made one too many jokes about it. Now the joking and laughing has a condescending/pitying tone to me. I don’t need to justify my dating choices, but I feel like I do when we talk about it, and that’s exhausting. I feel like I need to defend the men I date, and am made to feel crazy for my feelings leading up to or after a date. It’s frustrating and discouraging. I’m sad that I haven’t shared the potential with these people, and am worried it means we’re growing apart a bit.

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