I’ve been MIA on here, which I regret a bit. Things are going, to say the least. First off, my mom survived her surgery and is recovering well (Thank goodness!).
Work has been interesting, to say the least. My boss is terrible. There was a brief chance I’d be reassigned, but it looks like that won’t be the case. I should get to do some interesting travel – and not to a warzone! My boss’ boss, the one who rates me, is really blunt and has acknowledged how terrible my boss is. Her frankness salvages the situation, at least a little. She’s planning on being extra involved to help save my experience, which I really appreciate. I’ve been struggling to find people to be friendly with at the office, which is frustrating a bit. When people talk to me, we get along OK, but I’m not getting close to anyone. I realized I need to modify my expectations. Work is work – it’s to make money, hopefully provide some motivation in life. It’s isn’t supposed to be my social life – I have friends for that. With that in mind, hopefully I can just do my job and be OK with that.
Otherwise, I’ve been busy. Other than the book club comprised of kinksters that I lead, I haven’t done anything kinky in ages. I was at Rapture in November, and lightly played, but that’s been it. Before that, it had been since June. Needless to say, kink hasn’t been a fixture as of late. I debated going to college night late tonight, but I’ve been absent so long that attending events fills me with a deep dread.
I’ve been dating, and that’s complicated. I don’t really want to go into it much in a public forum, but I don’t know what to do. As always, the vanilla guy is great in many ways, but he is really laid back, isn’t dominant in life, and that’s getting to me. It affects how much I can see him in a sexual way. On the other side, there’s a dominant dude I was talking to, but then I got scared of how intense our conversation got in terms of D/s and was uncertain about all that shit… that’s my life. It’s messy.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I want to just take care of myself and forget men entirely…but I also want to get laid. Thing is, I like myself less and less lately. I think the stress of work, family, wintertime, and dating confusion is getting to me. That, and I’m not thrilled with some weight gain from the last year. I don’t feel as confident, and my insecurity affects my interpretation of things. I’m also feeling my single-dom more. My friends in couples are making me want that more than ever, and that impacts how I act when dating. I feel like if I can’t make something work soon, I’m broken. Then I feel ridiculous for thinking that. I think I’m good with no kink, then I miss kink something fierce. I have no clue anymore.
I know I’m in a depressed state, and I hate that. I hate that I’m indecisive. I don’t like not knowing what to do. I don’t feel like I have control over anything right now. More than anything, I hate that my ability to follow the logical part of my brain is broken right now. I know I have people who care about me and love me. I know I need to not worry about things at work outside my control and try my hardest. I know I need to not date someone that leaves me thinking about all the little ways it’s wrong, I should only stay with guys who make me feel giddy and excited to be with them. I know that if I’m unhappy with my body I should watch my diet more carefully and work out more. Instead, I’m stuck in an endless cycle of confusing doubts, excuses, and anxiety. The more I try to balance all this shit, the more mentally exhausted I get. Maybe it’s time I find a therapist…only I literally have no time for that. I feel like I don’t have time for anything. I don’t have enough time for the people in my life and dating and me.