Measuring Intimacy by Suffering

I was talking to someone yesterday, and they got me thinking on a particular phrase.

Namely, “enduring suffering in order to produce greater intimacy, respect and as a sign of devotion” as one of the key elements of D/s. The specific comparison was drawn to the movie Secretary, which I’ve still not yet seen.

I’ve never really thought about suffering in that specific sense. I mean, part of the appeal of spanking and pain is pleasing my Dom, or enduring that suffering for him, I suppose, to show how much I want to please him and to fulfill his sadistic desires. In that sense, I agree with the turn of phrase.

What confuses me, however, is thinking about D/s and power exchange as the endurance of suffering as being a key element of the relationship. Maybe it’s the vanilla, society “trained” version of my mind, but that strikes me as abusive and depressing. The crossover of S&m, D/s, and everyday “vanilla” relationships confuses me.


2 responses to “Measuring Intimacy by Suffering

  1. I hear you on the whole trust issue.
    I’m not really sure that casual play is my style, as part of the appeal is building that trust and that relationship and delving further than you thought you could. Makes it tricky.

    Also, I totally agree with you on the suffering thing. I think if that’s your mindset going in – that that’s the only thing that the relationship is about – then yes. It sounds completely abusive and corrupt and downright wrong. Even if the suffering IS consensual. But you know as well as I…that’s just one small piece. There is (hopefully) so much more involved in the D/s dynamic. It doesn’t boil down to endurance – it’s all about mutual fulfillment.


    • You are right ruby. Suffering should not be the driver in the relationship (although if the submissive loves pain, then the dynamic is different again). Relationships are all so different and unique – pure vanilla ones can be more abusive than D/s ones. In the end, one knows that, if the other partner, through their love and actions makes them whole, and they in turn make them that person complete, then it is right.

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