I cannot come to terms with my own potential masochism.
I get that it’s ok to enjoy pain, or enjoy giving pain, so long as it is consensual. I’m fine acknowledging that I enjoy spankings, or nipple clamps. I like to gloss over it, though, and ignore the deeper aspects.
Part of me is primarily turned on by sadism, rather than actually being a masochist. AKA, I enjoy submitting to pain from someone who gets off on pain. I like the demonstration of power, the submission to his will for something he enjoys so much, even if it means I will be suffering. I told myself that if I’m getting off on it, it’s because he has the power there, and nothing more.
The issue is, I *love* being on the receiving end of a look filled with micheviously evil desires to do naughty, wicked things to me…especially when they involve teasing, torment, and to some extent, pain. I’m not into needles or blood play, but the idea of being spanked or caned until I’m begging and crying for Him to stop, but having him continue (unless I use my safe word) anyway doesn’t entirely turn me off. That’s a sign of a masochist, isn’t it?
Maybe masochism is just the response and submission to Sadism… but the pain, both the endorphins directly being induced, the power exchange so clearly represented, knowing he gets off on hurting me – all combine to make it something I enjoy.
It bothers the hell out of me. Simply writing “knowing he gets off on hurting me,” and knowing that I like that, causes some cognitive dissonance. I’m afraid to advertise my masochism, because I don’t want to find someone *too* sadistic, but at the same time, I like that evil look.
I don’t want to be afraid or ashamed or bothered by my own desires. For the most part, I’m not. I’m very much ok with my love of bondage, power exchange, etc. I’m ok with spanking, caning, clamps. But to acknowledge that I enjoy and love pain, to label myself a masochist, disturbs me. The fact that I’m disturbed disturbs me even more. I wish I could get over it!