Rambling Thoughts, Jan 5-6

No night terror last night = win.

In other news, I’m going back to Pittsburgh with what feels like more crap than I had when I moved. I know, that’s an exageration, but seriously it will take me about 6 trips to get all this stuff into my apartment. I think I overdid it on the shopping…but letting my mom buy me nonperishables and free laundry is worth it.

I am getting seriously excited to see all my Pittsburgh people again. I am a bit nervous about all the busy-ness that is coming my way, though — between working 10 hrs/wk, taking 60 units, being active in 3 extracurriculars, seeing my friends, and participating in kink events, my time is going to be GONE. That’s how I like it, really.

I’ve also decided that I am going to work on focusing on improving what I want to about myself, with no comparisons to anyone else’s expectations or feedback. Namely, no comparisons, no jealousy, no crazy, and no drama. And yes, I used the oxford comma – it’s the only way.  I’m also going to try to understand the whole “I’m afraid to be a masochist” thing.

For a different note of randomness, I realized how much I enjoy primping. When I have the time and some spare change, here comes the teeth whitening and nail polish! Being a girl has moments of satisfaction. Although, in theory, those two specific examples could be enjoyed by either sex.

Post-holidays, I also ended up with a whip/tickler thing. What was meant as a gift for a friend for the holidays ended up mine due to travel plans getting changed around. Can’t say I mind too much, but that one definitely requires a partner for use. Oh – I get to use my new vibrator for the first time this weekend when I get back, which is really exciting. I’ve always had mediocre, never mind-blowing orgasms, and I’m hoping this thing will change that around.

And, because my kink world got really busy, I need to decide if I should go to a play party on Saturday. I’m sort of afraid to go alone, since I don’t really know anyone other than the host, and him only from a brief meeting… but it’s a free night for me, and a chance to learn and explore. I have to make up my mind soon.

Similarly, I have to determine what I’m going to do about the kink event in January (giant dungeon party) that I registered for that my security-blanket BFF didn’t get to (the event sold out early). I either get some balls and show up alone, or sell my ticket to someone else. I know people attending, but since it’s a play party, I don’t want to stand in a corner not playing…but I don’t really know what else to do/how to approach people and things. There was a slave auction that could have mitigated the options for me, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.

My insecurity/shyness about attending these events drives me crazy. I’m seriously only ever unsure when it comes to kinky sexuality things. The rest of the time, watch out. That’s another 2011 goal – get the hell over it, suck it up, and treat the kinky world just as I do the professional world and own it. Who cares if people don’t think it’s fitting for a submissive – I submit to those who earn it.

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