Pain, revisited

I’m a masochist.

There, I said it. (Clearly, this is not easy for me to do.)

I get off on receiving pain. I am turned on by the sadistic, evil gleam in your eye that tells me you are going to be relentless. I like knowing you have the power to torment me. When you’re rough with me, I feel more desired, more cherished, more wanted.

I can take a lot of pain and I don’t mark easily. I like being challenged, and I like seeing how much I can take before having to call uncle. I often take pain quietly, especially in public spaces.  Pain has always been a way for me to express myself in that moment, though I never caused any type of damage to myself. Even more, pain has been a way to focus myself.

I’ve enjoyed all of my kinky and/or sexual experiences with pain. I mean, it hurts, don’t get me wrong, but a second or two later, and I am enjoying a crazy endorphin rush – from both the act of surrender, the clear display of control, the evilness of it, and the endorphins from the pain itself.

…And yet, I’m scared of being a masochist. Mainly, I’m afraid that by saying I’m a masochist, my partner will feel like I want more pain than really do. I’m afraid it gives a man permission to hurt me, even if I don’t want him to. I’m afraid it will go too far, it will be too dangerous, or if I stop enjoying it or don’t enjoy it than I will be disappointing my partner. I’m worried about being the freakiest of the freaky people. I don’t want to like, I don’t want to enjoy it or desire it happening.

I don’t know how much I *need* pain. I am afraid that being a masochist means I won’t be able to be in a relationship without pain involved.

I’m not certain about any of this. I’m not positive about my reactions to all types of pain, or different levels of it, or it in different situations. I am learning, I am exploring. I only hope that as my exploration continues, I learn more about myself and my limits. If I was more positive on what I could handle, and I was able to vocalize it better, I think I’d be more confident saying I’m a masochist. I have to be more careful about who I trust to hurt me or restrain me. I have to be very prudent and safe.

Whatever else, this is a step forward for me. I’m a masochist, and it isn’t the end of the world.


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