I actually dragged myself out of bed to write this out, because I am keeping myself up with it.
I think…no I’m sure that part of the main reason why I am/have been wanting a Dom so much more today, on my awful day, is because I need to cry. I’ve been on edge all day, holding back, not wanting to loose my cool in front of my peers and colleagues. It’s hard. Then, I get home and I can’t cry.
I tend to associate crying with weakness. I rarely do it, and usually only under extreme provocation – frustration usually does it. I would give anything to have a Dom who would force me to release these emotions, and who wouldn’t be afraid of spanking me or whatnot until the breakdown happened.
I internalize, and it drags on me. I feel guilty for letting people down, even when I logically know that it isn’t personal or it isn’t important. I need to be smacked out of it, quite literally.
And of course, the only ways I have to self inflict pain are through clover clamps or cutting. I’m not a cutter, never have been, and don’t plan on it now. So, clover clamps…but I really don’t want or need anything sexual right now, I need pain to release emotionally, and clover clamps are really not a great way to do that.
Anyhow, this is really frank and kind of unedited view into my head right now. I’m really not usually unhappy or emo like this, but seriously today was horrifically awful for a variety of reasons, and it’s catching up to me.