Awkward, much?

I’m so awkward with men it’s ridiculous. I don’t know if it is obvious to them, or just in my head, but it drives me crazy because I am aware of it. I don’t know if it is a product of my shyness with new people and submissiveness, or something else. I am normally very socially adept. I make people laugh, have solid friends, can host fun events, network, etc. But, for some reason, when it’s with men – especially ones I know are kinky and Dominant – I fail. Even if I’m not interested romantically, I still get all awkwardish. I don’t know the right thing to say, the right way to act, what’s ok to infer, etc.

I do ok at it, in general, depending on the person and the situation. It isn’t like I’m off in a corner by myself, surrounding myself only with females. I have male friends, but again, in the kinky world it’s different. I enjoy the feeling of being flustered around Dominant men when it is intentional on their part, but when I can’t tell if it’s intentional the flustered-ness makes me uncertain.

Uncertainty and I aren’t all that familiar – for the most part, I’m a woman who knows her own mind. I like boundaries and I push until I find them, but once I have them I operate in a blissful world. Not knowing the boundaries can be fun at times, but is also hugely frustrating for me.

Anyhow, I’m working on it, getting better at it, and I understand it. It’s just a process I wish was faster.

In other news, I have a kind of ironic hesitancy to use the word please. As submissive as I am, I’m also stubborn and somewhat competitive (with myself more than anyone else), and so giving in isn’t always easy, even when I really want to. The irony is that being made to (or just tormented to the point of needing to) beg is a huge turn on, even though it is sooo difficult and embarrassing for me to do. Have to love paradoxes!


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