First off, I have no idea why I am still awake. Life fail.
Second, I realized today how much I appreciate what this blog has done for me. I’ve never been good at journaling consistently, and I enjoy being able to look back and reflect upon my experiences. Which leads well into…
I’m amazed at how much my opinions and views of things have shifted over the last several months of experimentation. I’ve been involved in the kink scene here since November, but really just January in terms of attending events and playing with others.
- I can walk into a kinky event alone and not cry in the corner alone. I can openly admit (at least among kinky folk) that I’m a masochist.
- I am improving on asking for what I want. I acknowledge that some people don’t deserve trust or sexual activity, and I need to learn how to judge and measure my instincts more closely.
- I am more receptive to the idea of needles, cutting, and other play that draws blood; it still squicks me a little, but I’m guessing it is a matter of time before I at least try it out.
- I no longer see marriage and relationships as cut and dry. I still acknowledge that for some people, poly doesn’t work. Some poly relationships are bad, and resentment and jealousy fester. With honesty, communication, and the right personalities, however, it seems to sincerely work.
- With that, I’d actually be open to the idea of a threesome, or even potentially playing with a female. Not full on lesbian action, nowhere near that, but in more basic ways.
- I’d consider switching or topping occasionally with the right person, but only if it was not for a long term power dynamic.
- I can understand the Big/little dynamic now. I am not a “little,” but I am definitely easily amused. I love fluffy things, stuffed animals, animated movies, lego, games, etc. I like being cherished and cared for. I enjoy it when my friends and partner are amused by me, with that just slightly patronizing and very tender look. That said, I’m not into ageplay. I don’t want to regress, or whatnot, but there is a slight dynamic of “I’m younger” that I enjoy, if that makes sense.
- I recognize how lucky I am that I haven’t met a sadist who isn’t in control of himself. I would have been (and likely, on some level, still am) very susceptible to abuse given my newb-ness, uncertainty regarding limits, willingness to push, enjoyment of pain, and love of bondage. Providence looked out for me by having me start things out here in Pittsburgh rather than in DC.