Self Awareness and Personal Growth

This weekend has been a whirlwind.

It started with rope and fun times, then went into a super-deep conversation with my roommate about self-acceptance and personal growth. I did laundry, had a great dinner, saw a really funny movie, and bought lots of magazines for super cheap. I had a massage, bonded with a friend, bought a beautiful painting for my mom, went to church for the first time in years, had dinner with some great new people, and had some very, very deep conversations about religion.

There are many things at play in my life and in my knowledge of myself.

I am very much a mix of melancholy and sanguine ( I like rules, structure, order, and pleasing others. I dislike social awkwardness. I’m attracted to traditional societal norms and roles for these reasons. I like preppy clothing and high etiquette. I am on a journey to figure out what exactly my faith means. I love a lot of myself, but I find it difficult to accept certain things that I know are unhealthy traits. I struggle with insecurity at times, primarily stemming from too much concentration on what other people think.

This is who I am, this is the reality of things that go through my mind. Feminist, traditionalist, impatient, stubborn, adventurous, pure, spiritual, kinky, sexual, trusting, skeptical, inquisitive, analytical, cheerful, accepting, unforgiving, adaptable, polite, friendly, loyal….these are all words that could be used to describe me, no matter how contradictory, pleasant, or unpleasant they may be.

I am continuing on my journey to discovering what makes me who I am and how I can confidently be who I am going forward.


3 responses to “Self Awareness and Personal Growth

  1. I really enjoyed your post especially because you described yourself a Christian. But, now a little confused because in my email notification it says a few things that are not listed on the site now, but perhaps you edited it. I, too, am a Christian and at times have struggled with my lifestyle in relation. I truly believe I’m doing what God wants me to in my lifestyle!

    • Sometimes I write in stream of consciousness style, then I remember that people I know read this occasionally so I edit a bit. I get confused about how my religion and the lifestyle interact. The church I attended last week and my Christian friends would not approve of attending kinky events, play outside of marriage, and poly relationships. I’m not sure what’s ok and what’s not in terms of God’s will, and I go back and forth on it a lot. What do you think?

  2. I totally understand where you are coming from with the editing. That is one of the reasons I have struggled with blogging at times. So then I blog for a bit and then stop for a bit and then back at it, because I want to be able to express all of my thoughts, but then worry what some might think, particularly my Master as I stated in a previous post. But I believe that I have recently come to terms with this. I still may edit, lol, but hopefully, can try to be more true to my thoughts at the same time without feeling that I just need to quit blogging.
    As far as kinkiness goes, I totally believe that God wants us to enjoy our sex life and I don’t see limits on this. I do not believe that God does not want us to play outside of marriage. What does that mean? Well, I believe that this means that if I am participating in something with my Master, whom I am married to btw, then I am not participating outside of marriage. I do struggle with our play if we play with people who are playing outside marriage (ie single). We have played with a couple of people who were not married, but in committed relationships. We have only played with one single person and I really struggle with that. Because I have either decided or rationalized that because my husband, who is my Master, wants it, then I must obey him, which I do feel is biblical. As you can see, I also struggle with this.
    Oh, and then there is the whole same sex thing. Whether I am right or not, I do not know, but I am trying to figure it out. I definitely am attracted to same sex as well as men, but the Bible does not condone this. I, again, feel that I must obey my husband. (convenient, isn’t it) Again…struggling.
    As far as poly relationships, it appears to me soo complicated because I believe that God intended for man to marry only one, but in the Bible it also has many examples of committed poly relationships. This was acceptable in that time period. I am really not comfortable with a poly relationship at this time in my life, not due to biblical reasons, but just because I am so freaking jealous! My Master would eventually like one, I’m not happy, but the idea is becoming more acceptable to me, but is that because you eventually get used to any idea, or that it is ok, or what? As you can again see, I struggle constantly.
    It is nice to see someone else who might also be struggliing with the similar issues. 🙂 (And btw, my family and coworkers and friends outside of this lifestyle would definitely NOT be okay with my lifestyle, I’m sure, sigh.
    I read my bible and I pray everyday for God to help me do his will. I am not perfect by any means and know that I may not be doing what he wants. I just keep trying and keep trying to figure it all out. 🙂

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