Masochistic Ponderings

First off, stupid hurricane. I spent all day drinking and hanging out with friends with only minor rain in the background. (We watched The American President and The West Wing  – very DC.) They leave, and BOOM the rain and wind pick up hardcore. I’m really not a fan of storms (too many tornados and bad loud noises in my life), and I wish this would’ve happened earlier. Now I’m just hoping our power is on tomorrow.

The main kink thing on my mind recently has been pain. This is a subject I frequently revisit because it constantly confuses me and in general is very mysterious. I originally went into my first kinky experiences thinking I would only like pain insomuch as it was a demonstration of my submission, a manifestation of the power exchange. Then, I played with pain several times, realized just how much I got off on it, played some more, and called myself a masochist.

Pain with power exchange is undeniably and incredibly sexy to me. That’s really the primary way I’ve experienced it, and by that alone, yes, I like pain.

I was using my clamps while playing around a bit the other day, though, and I realized that while yes, it still intensifies other feelings and sort of quickens up the arousal, my pain threshold is much, much lower and I enjoy it much less. Really, I’d get the same effect (if not a possibly stronger one) from just playing with my nipples without clamps for another 5-10 minutes. This begged the question, do I like the pain, really, or is it more than that?

I think I’ve come full circle to the realization that while pain with sex can be good and intensify the arousal, pain with power exchange trumps that, and pain with power exchange and sex trumps all. Pain with none of those things is a no-no on my part.

So, am I a masochist? I’m not sure. I enjoy pain primarily when I am being subjected to it by a Dominant man whom I trust and am attracted to in some way/shape/form. My pain threshold is partially dependent on trying to take more to please the person hurting me, on wanting to give up the control. My enjoyment is partially dependent on pleasing my Top with his subjugation of me through the distribution of pain, and on my Top’s enjoyment of providing said experience.

So, if I’m ever craving pain – which I do sometimes – I think I need to remind myself that I’m really just craving submission. I want to release control, and letting someone hurt me is a great way to do that. Bondage is another great way to do that, though pain is more of an emotional release, while bondage is more of a stabilization method. All are turn-ons, of course.

And the power is flickering even more… so off to bed I go.

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