Times Are A-Changing

It’s odd, really, because it’s now been well over a year since I started blogging. It’s been an exercise in thoughtfulness, really, and has been inordinately helpful as this past year has been ridiculously stressful.

Today has been reflective, which has been great. I have my apartment to myself for several days since I’m not going home for the holiday (and my roommates did), and I took today off work to kind of rejuvenate. I took care of some friends’ animals, got some food for tomorrow – I’m potlucking with two friends who stayed in the city, and went shopping. It was interesting buying clothes; I’m almost unable to shop in the larger women’s store. I bought three things, each in a different size, and two were in the smallest size available in the store. Because I’m bigger on the bottom than the top, I’m not quite out of the store, but it was an interesting experience. I also finally found some rain boots, and given the weather situation lately I’m very thankful for it!

With that, I’m almost to my 5% weight loss goal. I think this week will be it, assuming that I exercise self control tomorrow. I’m also planning to hit the gym in the morning and hopefully this weekend to help out. I might actually break out the Wii alone. I’m weird, I normally only play the Wii with other people.

Work has been great lately. It got very, very hectic for a few weeks, and then the last few days it slowed down a bit more. I’ve been given a lot of responsibility from several different avenues, and I’ve consistently gotten good feedback. It’s gratifying, and I love the work I’m doing which helps. I have my mid-point evaluation next week, I believe, and I’ve already been told it’s going to go well. I only hope the budget situation lends itself to hiring so I can stay on post-graduation!

Because the budget isn’t certain, I’m going to be starting my job search. This is primarily my goal for this holiday – I need to apply to all the jobs I’ve found. It’s sort of like an entirely separate course on top of everything else, because it is time consuming, especially if you want a chance at getting a job. A lot of the people I know in Pittsburgh have found jobs, especially within the healthcare program, which makes me feel behind.

School is going well. We’re entering the final range…I’ve got two papers, a speech, and a final left for the semester. I’m doing well in my courses thus far, so I hope to finish strong. Next semester, we really kick into high gear with our capstone project. I’m a little concerned about the time demands, but I’m looking forward to the challenge. I’m trying to learn to channel my competitive spirit better.

I went to kinky happy hour this week again, for the first time in several weeks. It was nice seeing people, and it’s interesting how my interests have evolved. I took that kinky quiz again, and this time it went Experimental, Bondage, Masochist, Switch, Submissive… Submissive was actually at 59%, compared to the 93% it used to be. I think this reflects my mood lately well. I very much enjoy bottoming to pain, and I adore bondage, especially with rope. I still enjoy pleasing my partner and making people happy. I like direct, blunt, relatively authoritative, strong men. That said, I’m also incredibly stubborn, occasionally outspoken, and very independent. I like to push back, I don’t like it being assumed that I’m going to just sit back and take it. I understand that when I’m submitting, I agree to sit back and take it… but I’m less inclined to do so. Maybe it’s just a matter of not finding the right person, but I’m more on the kinkster/open-minded side than the submissive side recently.

I think part of this is that when I first got involved in kink in my fantasies, I was very young and inexperienced. Submission in part meant that I didn’t have to know what I was doing. As I’ve gained confidence in myself and I’ve gained experience – both sexually and in general as I’ve dated more and gain more comfort with men over the last few years, I have more of a desire to occasionally switch it up. I’m open to tying someone up, having my way with them. I don’t want to be in control all the time, or wear the pants in the relationship, but in the bedroom I want to be free to experiment outside of a particular role. I want to break out of the box! And yes, on some levels, someone expecting me to be submissive is kind of a box right now.

I also attribute part of this mentality to the level of stress in my life. Pain and bondage during sex is still a method of escapism from the stress and control of my life. Submission in a relationship, however, adds to the stress level. I just don’t have the time to put someone else first all the time, to be in service, or to accomodate that. When I’m spending time in a nonsexual way with someone, I want to argue and banter, have fun, and not be constantly focused on doing the right thing or following rules. Sexually, sure, I’m all yours. I might occasionally jump you and have my way too, but more often than not, I’m all yours. Outside the bedroom, nope, not my thing right now.

At the same time, I do realize and acknowledge that confidence, bluntness, and some level of take-charge/competitive/snarky dominance is incredibly attractive and sexy to me. Additionally, open-mindedness and kink-friendly is a must. I like exploring things and trying new things. If my sex life isn’t free to experiment, I’m also going to feel cages. Similarly, I want to be free to talk about my deepest fantasies too. So, vanilla folks are out, at least most of them.

Add in monogamous tendencies and compatibility, and BAM my pool of people just shrunk hardcore. Given the utter lack of time in my life, though, this likely isn’t a bad thing.

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