Sometimes I doubt I’ll ever grow fully comfortable or accustomed to my own masochism. It’s just so taboo in my mind. I guess I feel like it’s common to be attracted to an alpha male, to enjoy him pinning you down or having you at your disposal. I can convince many a vanilla folk to want to give that a try. Pain, on the other hand, is just so wrong. So naughty, so taboo.
I really do love it though. I enjoy it by itself, or with sex involved. I enjoy it alone, but even more when it’s inflicted by someone else. I love the challenge of seeing how much I can take. I like how it emphasizes helplessness. I like the lovely soreness that lingers, reminding me of whatever happened. I like the endorphins. I like knowing someone wants to hurt me, knowing they got off on doing it. I just enjoy all of it.
But then again, it’s just so wrong! It often makes me wonder if there’s something inherently off in me. I mean, I get that I like the pain for the emotional and mental release it provides. It forces a reaction where normally I would try to control myself – it makes controlling myself not an option. The pain is a front if I need to cry or scream. It also manifests my own stubbornness in how much I can take. I wonder though, what would be the “normal” way of handling these emotions and situations? What did I miss growing up that makes me into pain now?
What’s interesting, though, is the ways different types of pain cause different reactions. Pain to my ass or back through some form of beating (crop, paddle, cane, etc.) is enjoyable, and is more of something I crave. When I get stressed or anxiety builds up, I want that type of pain. It takes a lot more of this to push me, and I’ve rarely been on the edge of safewording from it. My tolerance is higher on those areas. Nipple torture, however, is a much more highly eroticized pain that immediately will send me into shudders. I can take it for a good deal of time, but it takes a lot less to hurt me here. This isn’t something I crave so much as something that I highly enjoy whenever it happens.
It’s kind of funny though how whenever a sadist discovers how easily I react to nipple torment, all thoughts of impact play elsewhere go out the window. I don’t really mind, since I enjoy it all, it’s just interesting.
I also find myself leaning towards wanting to hurt someone. I don’t want to be in control, per se, rather just give a good flogging or whatnot. I’m a little nervous/afraid of the responsibility that comes with yielding the instrument, but I do enjoy teasing and whatnot enough that I think I could get a kick out of it. Maybe someday.