Bad, or at the very least confusing, day.
I went out with someone a few weeks ago. We had no problems conversing, and he’s a super nice guy. We had a few important and a few trivial things in common. Unfortunately, he’s also super vanilla and I didn’t really feel any particular spark. We tried to set up a second date, but after a few exchanges (and unfortunate timing of being in the middle of a really stressful week), I realized I just don’t have time. Or, rather, I didn’t feel a strong enough connection to make time. I sucked it up and wrote him an email “breaking up” with him because of where I’m at (and where it’ll be going in the next few weeks). He responded today, and apparently my email arrived concurrently with a family emergency. His response was so gracious, kindhearted, and nice and he reiterated his genuine interest…I feel horrid. Maybe I should have tried harder to make a second date work, to give chemistry time to develop, to see if maybe he was more openminded than I thought about kinky things… Ugh. We left it decently well, though, on the note that if things get less stressful and we’re both still around and single we could try again.
I hate confrontation, and I hate uncertainty. I care about people’s feelings, and it tears me up to hurt other people’s feelings. It also seems weird and sad to meet people who are great people and could be good friends but then to turn them down because of chemistry… I don’t want to be too picky, but I also don’t want to settle either. Why is it so complicated? Dating is hard.
I think this is why I’m going to focus a bit more on kinky events rather than specific dating, and see what happens naturally. I’ll be out of town for nearly all of December, and then my capstone project is going to start up full-swing, which will be debilitating on top of classes and work. I need to be job searching for spring and post-grad (which I’ve done a ton of today – I applied for 10 jobs, yay!). On many levels, I really don’t have time for dating or a relationship. But then, I had time this past weekend, I could make time here and there…
I was going to go to kinky happy hour tonight just to be social, but then I got overwhelmed by a paper, research assignment, job posting deadlines, etc. so decided to stay in. I’ve been productive (10! really!), but I missed going. Tomorrow I have plans to see my new family and friends from a few years back, and Thursday I have class, and Friday everything is due for school. Eeep!
I think I’m just PMS-ing, in part because my roommates didn’t check my room and thought I’d left so then they went out without me, I missed happy hour, I got this awesome email from the great guy I turned down, I’m missing my family a lot, and it just makes me sad. I need to pep it up! I hate being needy, but tonight is a night for hugs.