1/31 – Bye Bye January

I got the job! Well, sort of. I have moved on to the next stage of processing, aka extensive paperwork hell for security and medical clearances. I don’t have a salary offer yet, nor have I signed (or been asked to sign) an acceptance letter yet. But, they offered me the position contingent on all this crap. Crazy! So, now I have to decide how dangerously I want to live. I never thought about working in Afghanistan before. That said, I always said that if I was in better shape I probably would have enlisted…this is my civilian way of serving my country. The danger scares me, and in some ways the job isn’t ideal – it’s a male dominated office, the office has a bit of a bad rep, some of the jobs on contracts could be dull. On the other hand, having a top secret clearance, experience working with contractors, int’l experience, and lots of training/prof. development opportunities is a great deal for a first job. I feel like in many ways, it isn’t somewhere I want to be long, but is a good place to be for a short while. I’m going to move ahead with paperwork , and see what happens in the meantime.

I heard officially that I can’t stay where I’m at past Feb 22 – that’s the FINAL line. I’m now refocusing on something to fill the last 9 weeks of the semester so that I don’t go crazy with boredom. Hopefully, I’ll find something that will be good experience.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close made me cry (as expected), but was a great movie. It definitely deserves the nomination for best picture.

The number of people registered for DO:WF has surpassed 1,000. I’m more than a little overwhelmed by this. Hopefully I will not be hiding in a corner the whole weekend.

In other news, I’ve basically realized I’m afraid to date a vanilla guy at all. This is why I say no to second dates and shy away from flirting sometimes. I think I could handle not doing kinky stuff in a relationship, at least for the short term and I’m willing to try it. Thing is, I cannot and will not lie about who I am, and some members of the kinky community are good friends now. I can’t pretend to have not gone to events or participated in activities. I don’t know how to explain the friends without getting into the activities. I don’t know how to explain the activities at all without seemingly like some sort of crazy deviant, sex addict, or moral-less slut. I know I’m not a slut, but for someone unfamiliar to kink, it sounds ridiculous.

How do I explain the level of experience (or inexperience, rather) I have sexually whilst still making sense of the number of times I’ve been in intimate situations with folks – ala less clothing, pain, etc. Kinky play evokes sensual reactions, even when there is no outright touching or sexual contact – so is it sexual experience? Is it something I mention? How do I explain my enjoyment of pain, or do I not say anything? How do I tell them about my erotic stories, which are all kinky, without explaining the rest of my kink? How do I have a relationship with someone without mentioning any of it? I wish vanilla guys of interest would just somehow magically figure it out and be the one to bring it up or go there.

Basically, I don’t know how to be myself with a vanilla person. I acknowledge that certain vanilla people are open minded and may be able to talk about it without being into doing it, but I’ve not mastered how to discern who those people are yet. If I could find out VGF’s level of acceptance and/or interest in kinky things, maybe I’d feel less afraid of the possibilities there. Part of the appeal of meeting someone through the kinky community or an Alpha/dominant “vanilla” guy is that they make the innuendo, they bring up the out-of-the-norm sex stuff, they make the moves.

So, back to the search for a kinky partner in the meantime. I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up the kinky community and the openness and exploration. On a lot of levels, it’s fun and I’m young so why not have fun? At the same time, it’d be great to have someone looking out for my best interests, to play with regularly, to get sexual with, and to go out with in vanilla ways sometimes.

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