Definitely had an awful day today. I’m not sure how much of my over-emotionalism can be attributed to PMS and con-drop, but in general, awful. I actually had to leave class to get all upset and teary in the bathroom – and I very, very rarely cry.
I didn’t realize just how difficult it would be to leave my job. I mean, I loved working there – I loved the people I worked with, what I was doing, the mission, all of it. I just didn’t realize how much a part of my life it has become. I have spent 640 hours with these people, in that building. I loved every second of it (ok, maybe not the 14 hours I was there with strep throat, but you get it). Realizing that I won’t get to go back there tomorrow, that I won’t be seeing certain coworkers, that I won’t be finishing certain projects literally crushed me.
Yes, there is hope that in FY13 they will hire. Yes, there is a high degree of certainty that when they hire, I’ll be able to go back. It was great that everyone I talked to and said goodbye to offered to help me in any way they could and professed how upset they were that I couldn’t be hired – people of all levels, including upper management. That was definitely gratifying. And of course, I know that I still live here, and a few of the people I’ll miss most will still likely be up for grabbing coffee or drinks occasionally. I have contact information, and I can stay in touch.
All that said, it still doesn’t matter. I’m still very, very upset by it. I found my absolute dream job, and I was awesome at it, and I still can’t have it anymore. I’m lucky I found it at all, I know, and I know I’m young and have time to get back to that. Logically, yes. But it is so unfair!
What’s even more frustrating is how most of the people in my program got their job easily – one discussion, and BAM. I was one of the last people to find something, and I had applied to more than triple the number of places as everyone. I had interviews and phone calls and cold calls and then – finally – I found my place. Now, all those other people get to stay where they are even if they don’t like the job, and I LOVE mine and worked so hard to get it, but I can’t stay.
I’m going to move on from this. I’m not letting myself be upset like this past today. It is what it is. I’m blessed that I know what I eventually want to do long-term, I’m blessed that I have people rooting for me there, I’m lucky that I have other options for the time being and for after-graduation. I’m in no position to complain, so this post is all I get to have.
As a last point – my day sucked for many reasons beyond this whole job thing, it was just the job thing that personally upset me so much. The other things were kind of just last straws.