4/25 – Hell Week.

You can always tell when I’m procrastinating or upset (or, like today, both), because I blog much more frequently. Hang in there folks, it may be a bumpy next few weeks.

First, I never realized quite how emo my music selections are. I normally tune out the meaning of the lyrics a bit and focus on the tune and emotion that resonates as a result of the melody and harmonies. Of course, now that I’ve been having a crap week, I listen to the lyrics and they’re all depressing. I haven’t decided if this is a good or a bad thing yet.

I’m a pretty upbeat, positive person. I don’t like being sad. I don’t linger on negative things. To be completely frank, I can get pretty detached about things (it’s been commented on, and I recognize that’s not necessarily a good trait). It makes it much easier to hold on to happy events and feelings when you’re not too vested in the unhappy ones. <- bad coping mechanism, I know.

Thing is, often, happiness is a choice. I went through a very low period in my life (this was like 6th grade, long, long ago) when I let my attachments to people and their misuse of that trust and care deeply affect my happiness. Letting people in was doing more harm than good. I took comfort and solace in God, made some changes in my perspective and my life, and became a cheerful person. Again, happiness is a choice. It’s far easier to be happy than sad, and it’s much easier to find people to enjoy your company. I feel like overall, that shift worked super-well for me, and other than my kinky side, I’m pretty well adjusted now.

In the last year, my self confidence has grown. I feel like I’ve come into my own in many ways. I don’t like being detached; it’s not natural, and it doesn’t facilitate true joy, love, etc. I want to be able to connect with more people more deeply without it being a challenge. I need to work more on giving love and/or care to the people in my life without burdening those same people with un-communicated, unrealistic, or unnecessary expectations. Not that expectations aren’t normal or ok, just that they should always be communicated up front if you ever want them lived up to.

Anyhow, my point of this was more about how I’m finding it difficult to be upset. I don’t like being sad. This past weekend’s wedding situation really hurt me, more than it should’ve. It was another example of letting people in, trusting them, and then kind of getting slapped in the face. I’m more used to anxiety and it normally doesn’t faze me as much, but this capstone project and all the uncertainty and changes coming up (travel, moving, graduation, new job, not living with my friends anymore, not being in school at all anymore -ever again- etc.) are doing me in.

I’m not a big perfectionist compared to a lot of folks I know, but realistically, I am one, just a perfectionist in denial (and a bit of a control freak…). I want everything to go a certain way and I want to control it all to make sure it goes well, and while I acknowledge that things may not go that way (and I can go with the flow and force myself to not control it all anal-retentively), repressing that part of myself causes a lot of internal upset. That’s kind of what’s happening now – all these things I can’t control (either it’s in the hands of others, or doing so would sacrifice respect and friendship), and I’m trying to force down my internal perfectionist control freak. I’m just a little less successful at that this week than I normally am given the number of things.

I don’t want to be upset. I keep rationalizing and thinking about how great things are for me. I have no reason to be upset with things. Yes, some events recently haven’t gone that well, but I still have friends and family that care deeply about me. I have a job lined up. I’m about to graduate with my Masters. I have a place to live lined up. I have exciting travel plans coming up. The friend from the wedding lives 10 hours away, so it wasn’t like we were going to maintain the best of contact anyhow. The capstone project will get done, and it’s ok if it isn’t perfect. I’m only 24, I have plenty of time to figure out the rest of things in my personal life – I don’t need to figure it out now. I need to get the fuck out of my own head.

Randomly interesting though: one of the few people in my life that I’ve really let in – she knows me better than I do myself, sometimes – has the ability to make me sob with one word. It’s never been easy for me to cry since I was raised that it’s practically a punishable offense. Kink has helped, in that I can be beat until I cry. Normally, that’s what I’d do (hence the post yesterday wanting a hard beating). But, seems all I need is this one friend. Literally, she calls me and the tone of her voice puts me immediately in tears. She just knows when I’m about to lose it. I don’t know how I’m going to sit through class with her tonight without tearing up. I need to just let it all out so I can move on and take control back over my life right now.

Note on the title of the post – most people insist that the week of finals/before finals is hell week, especially in grad school. It’s funny, because I have minimal projects and work compared to most of my colleagues, yet my week is equally as bad. I thought I was going to escape this phenomenon this time. Hah.

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