5/18

So, I’ve been a bit AWOL for a bit, meaning this might be a long one. I finally have a few minutes to myself, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts. It’s amazing how much this blog really helps me process and rid my mind of anxiety.

For the quick recap, I finished all my classes about two weeks ago, and I finished my capstone project last week. Last week I started moving stuff to my new apartment, which also meant sorting through all of my stuff and cleaning. I did paint my new room, though, which was fun and satisfying. I then traveled to Indiana, then to Arkansas, and now am about to head to Pittsburgh for graduation. My parents will then take me back to DC, stay for a few days, and then a friend is in town for a day. I then have quick turnaround before I finish the move. I have a week post-move to settle in and finish setting up my new place/relax, then I head to Boston for a week. I get back from Boston and have a friend visiting for a week, then I start my new job. The next weekend is Fusion…essentially, it’s go-go-go until late June.

One of the hard things about leaving town and being so busy these few weeks is that it means a distinctive break from kinky events. I feel like I’m missing a ton of stuff, but I think timing is part of it. I want to maintain good friendships and relationships I have with people, and play with some of the folks I’ve met recently, but alas it isn’t to be. I missed Rapture, and I’m missing a movie night, the DC rope play party, and a few munches/classes of interest. I also am not attending Shibaricon, which blows. I’m hoping to attend College Night, Dirty Things, and the Wykd_Dave classes while I’m in town at the end of the month, and hopefully I can keep my nerve to attend those things alone.

I tried to find some more kink-appropriate clothing, but my success has been limited. I even went to the porn store here in my Indiana town. The clothing was all so cheaply made or in garish colors, so I stuck with some fishnets. I really want something with garters that is well made and fits properly, preferably in black. I did purchase a new vibrator, which is exciting, as well as my first ever bottle of lube. Figured it was about time for that. My sister is all up in my business now, and is pretty much completely aware of my kink involvement. For all her drama and craziness, she really cares about me and I do love her. I wish we could have a closer relationship, but it’s hard being so far away.

One weird thing about being back in Indiana is that I have this strange confidence here that I don’t have in DC. I think I still feel kind of intimidated by all the sophistication and urbanity of the city. I feel HBIC enough when I’m home that I have a certain confidence, and flirting seems much easier. I know how to tease and smile in such a way that I can draw men in. In DC, I usually end up too shy or insecure to pull that off. I need to figure out how to eliminate that nervousness. –> Goal for the summer.

One of the big things going on in my life right now is finishing graduate school. It’s bittersweet. I’ll miss the excitement of choosing new classes and reading the syllabus for the first time, of seeing which faces are in your class and getting to know new classmates. I’ll miss the engaging discussions and “forced” activities. I’ll miss regularly seeing the friendly faces of my peers, the faculty, and the staff. I’m ready to be done with school, and in a few ways it’s a liberating change, but I’m going to miss so much. It has been an amazing 2 years. $72,000 in debt…but I have a future and a life right now that I didn’t have before. I found out that I’m going to be graduating with distinction, which is also a very proud moment for me. I didn’t think I’d get there. The final stretch with the capstone project was really rough – we had a teammate plagiarize, and our advisor didn’t fairly award grades. It’s over and finished, though, so even though our final product was not up to my standards, it was enough to graduate us all, so I can’t complain.

Moving has been a whole other set of stress and drama. I have so much stuff I’m getting rid of, and a lot of stuff that needs to be tailored if I want to keep it. I’ve lost a good deal of weight since last summer, and as a result my clothes are all out of whack. I also had boxes I hadn’t even opened in the year since moving from Pittsburgh, which is pathetic. I’ve organized and sorted everything I’ve packed and moved, and I’ve been trying to clean house. I do need a new bra and some new denim shorts/capris, but I think I’ll wait until June to fill those gaps. I also am debating buying a bed (as in headboard/footboard). I really want one, especially one that has some way of tying rope/cuffs to it, but it’s a bit pricey (approximately $1000), so I haven’t fully mentally committed to it yet. I feel like buying furniture is a very adult thing to do, and I’m not quite there.

With that, I still have to apply for a loan for my car, get it inspected, and then title/register it in VA. I also need to get a new license and register to vote, and then figure out cell phone plans/bills. All part of being a “real” adult for once. When I start my new job, I’ll be picking out insurance plans and finding doctors in VA, and things will get really real.

Making all of these transitions even more difficult, my parents are strongly considering downsizing into a downtown condominium. They currently have a 5 bedroom house, so this is a HUGE change for them. If things go as my dad wants, they’ll be moved by October. I’m at our house for one day in between traveling, and this very well could be my last time stepping foot in my childhood home. I’m freaking out a little bit. They have so much furniture and so many things they’re going to be getting rid of that I wish I could have, but I won’t be here to go through it, and I don’t have the money to store it nor the space to take it now. I had about 600+ books here, and I got rid of half today – the used bookstore gave me $55. For $2100 worth of books. It wouldn’t be that bad, only I would’ve kept them were my parents waiting 2 years to move. If I had my car here to take as much as I wanted, I’d have kept them all. As it stands, I’m taking 3 boxes of stuff, and leaving about a box of stuff for them to store. I’m trying not to get too upset about leaving all of my things behind.

My mom, of course, is not happy at all with the moving thing primarily because it means getting rid of so many things. She’s very materialistic, but also these things represent the last 30 years of her life. They mean something to her, or she wouldn’t have them. My dad keeps claiming it’s only stuff, but to her it’s more than that. I understand both sides. Simplifying life and limiting the number of possessions you have makes logical sense. It’s practical. I’ve just been doing that for a few weeks. That said, sometimes “stuff” is more than that, and there is meaning attached. Even if it sits in a box or in a corner, there is comfort taken from having it because you know it’s there. If something so small can add comfort or stability to your life, what’s the harm? I know my mom borders hoarders, but still, there’s merit to her depression this time.

I’m not sure what will end up happening, but the whole thing just further reinforces that there is no going home now, no going back. I’ll never again be living at home. I won’t even be home for more than a day or two. I won’t get to spend time with my family except once or twice a year for a few days. As much as they’re nuts, I love them and family is very important to me. It’s so hard living so far away. I wish I was close enough to come visit more frequently, but the jobs I want just aren’t out there. Then, of course, I start debating going back into local government. I know on many levels I’d be happy doing that type of work. Only now, my life is built in DC – my friends are all in DC, not in my hometown. Indianapolis has more folks, but it isn’t my community like DC is.  When I’m living day to day life in DC, I don’t feel homesick all the time because I keep myself too busy and fulfilled for that, but when I go home I get so comfortable and it’s just HOME, and it makes me wish for things to be a little different. All this change and upset at once is just difficult. Growing up isn’t easy.

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