Day 14, 30 Days of Kink

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well, the first obvious thing here is that it’s real. Real life BDSM is not just in your head. It’s not the fleeting thoughts on your morning commute or in-depth fantasy world from your bedroom.

I think the biggest difference between fantasy and reality comes with how much ownership and responsibility one has to have with their own desires and experiences, especially as a submissive or bottom-type female. In novels and stories, Dominants always seem to know the thoughts running through their subs’ mind. They know when to hold back or to push harder, they know what the bottom’s limits are, and they can feel when something is amiss. They know when to tease versus when to be serious, when to punish and when to reward.

This omniscient Dom doesn’t exist in reality. Yes, sometimes you might work with someone often enough and have enough chemistry that it starts to feel like the Top knows your mind, but the reality is that the dynamic desired stems from deep, honest communication. As a submissive, you have to know your limits and what things interest you, and you need to communicate that to your Top. You have to vocalize when you enjoy something and when you don’t. You need to let the person know if they can push you harder. You let them know if you’re upset. People can’t read minds; being kinky doesn’t automatically make you a mind reader.

Sure, it’d be great if I could hide from my emotions sometimes. It’d be nice to act out fantasies without having to talk through them. I get really shy and awkward at times, and the fantasy Dom would work around that. Reality – Doms can be awkward too.

The other way reality differs from fantasy is that real world things get in the way. Sometimes work, school, family, vanilla friends, errands, etc. get in the way of your kink. Sometimes you’re too busy, or you have cramps/a cold and don’t feel like getting kinky at all. Sometimes power dynamics have to shift due to real-world responsibilities.

Lastly, sometimes play hits an emotional land-mine you had absolutely no idea was there, and you have to work through that with your partner and yourself. These things aren’t thought about as much during fantasy. Reality is just that – real – and that means it isn’t always sunny or fun, and sometimes involves dealing with people’s real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. That said, the harder parts are what make the good parts rewarding, and reality is even better than fantasy because of the difficulty, self-growth, and journey you take with your partner(s).


One response to “Day 14, 30 Days of Kink

  1. Pingback: Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, second addendum) « Liberate One

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