Day 16, 30 Days of Kink

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

There are two things that are rather equally difficult for me: hiding/lying and dating.

First, I have an absolutely horrible poker face. I can’t lie. I am honest to a fault. If you know me at all, you would immediately be aware I was hiding something. More than that, I like to share stories, advice, and life in general with my loved ones. I enjoy girly gossip, and I highly value the insights of my friends on my actions. A lot of people I meet in the kinky community only hang out with other kinky folks, in part because they can have all of these things without explanations. Thing is, I love my ‘nilla friends. They are amazing people. I find it incredibly difficult, though, to not discuss kinky things.

More than that, it’s not just omitting or not sharing, it’s straight up hiding or lying. I have to make excuses for where I’m going when I attend kink events, and I have to keep this whole huge part of my personality and life secret. I hate that. I also have to keep things hidden or at the very least, very discreet, due to my professional interests. I want to be free and open and have no worries about it. It is stressful and hard to hide and lie about my kink, because it is more than sexuality but rather is part of my identification and personality.

Second, I find dating way more difficult as a kinky person. Primarily, my pool of available men shrinks considerably when I add kink, even more so as a relatively monogamous kinkster. I’ve met many men who are interested and I’m attracted to, but who aren’t kinky, and it just hasn’t worked. I despise having to bring up kink to vanilla folks and walk that mine-filled road. And more than all that, I hate that within kink, it’s incredibly difficult to distinguish romantic interest from play-only, sex-only, casual-only, etc. relationships. Dating in the vanilla world has always been much more straight forward for me.

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4 responses to “Day 16, 30 Days of Kink

  1. YES! I’m so glad you brought this up. I feel exactly the same. I can’t really add anything else, because I feel like you hit the mark. I’m not really interested in playing in public either and would only play with someone I was dating. And, as you say, it cuts down the number of people you can date tremendously. Also, what you said about not having to hide this from your girlfriends. I’m the same and I always have to stop myself once our talking gets around to sex/dating. It’s horrible.

  2. Ugh I’m facing that now, been talking with this lovely vanilla man and have basically told him I’d like to leave this as friends because I’m too shit scared to tell him what I like. 🙂 Ah, well. At least we have the internet…

    • It’s so difficult! I just went out with a vanilla man who is awesome. I can’t decide if I should say something, wait it out and see if I can handle being kink-free, or end it. Hate all of those options.

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