6/18

I’ve now been on two dates with a vanilla guy, and it’s starting to get kind of complicated. I met him via OkCupid, and while it does say I’m “more kinky,” I’m not sure how seriously people take that. I guess I was skeptical that anything would come from the site in the first place, and was hesitant about how much kink is necessary, so I went ahead and met him for a date. Thing is, the first two dates have gone well. We have a lot of things in common, similar senses of humor, etc. That said, I didn’t realize how much my life is kinky now. A good deal of my friends and activities are centered around the kinky community.

He gave me an opportunity to talk about kink on date 2, in that he mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. I alluded about my friends who were disappointed in how the books represent kink, but I didn’t mention my own interest (basically, I’m a chicken-shit). I mean, he’s bright, maybe he can draw some conclusions, but most people wouldn’t have any idea how involved the kinky community can be. Alas, I’m confused. Do I just pre-emptively cut it off? Do I try to bring up kink? I don’t want to lead him on, but I honestly just don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker for me. Unfortunately, I’m suspecting it’s more of one than I thought it would be. Which means, for future encounters, I really should try to mention it in my profile directly or in a first message…but how to do so without threatening my professional life? Grr…

In other things, I attended a class last week on play negotiations and contracts. I really appreciated the presenters point of view, and it was a great class. One thing that stuck with me was her comment that when you’re seeing someone regularly for several weeks and attending events based on one another’s attendance, then you’re in a relationship with that person. You may not be romantically involved, but it’s definitely something more than acquaintances. She suggested some ways to bring up romance in a nonthreatening way should you want to bring play into something more. I really appreciated the class because it was the first time someone directly addressed how to deal with the messed up relationship strata that make up kink.

I was also informed by some vanilla friends this weekend that I’m really not great at showing when I’m interested in someone. It stems from a fear of rejection and of appearing too clingy, combined with my innate stubbornness and pride. Not good. I’m working on growing into my flirty self.

I started my new job today. It’s a bit of a boys club, though; I was the only female in orientation and it looks like most of the women are in HR. I really liked everyone I met today, though, which was great. The IT folks, HR people, security folks, and other new hires were all very friendly and welcoming. I still don’t know who exactly I’ll be working with, but I’m handling it. I’ve never worked in this small of an office, and it’s really nice. IT isn’t just a nameless division, but is a handful of people who I can get to know. It feels more close-knit, which is an interesting change. I also learned more about what deployment would look like, and while it sounds rough and scary, I think it could be a great thing. You get 170% of your salary while there, as well as a bunch of overtimes and such – and housing and food are free! Going for a year would be a super fast way to pay off student loans…but could also result in death. So, you know, trade offs.

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