I’ll do a full update on life and a bunch of other stuff, but in the meantime…It was a great weekend!

Storm almost killjoyed the whole thing, but made it into camp on Saturday morning. Took many rope classes, played with electricity, rope, and pain at varying times, and had an overall fantabulous time. Main highlights – I made out with a girl, made myself climax with a few others doing the same thing (what’s the girl name for a circle jerk?), danced sluttily, and got beaten so hard I came (multiple times…pain slut, much? Methinks yes.).

I learned a lot about myself, but the one thing I remembered most today: it is nearly impossible for me to voluntarily keep my legs still when I’m experiencing intense pain or pleasure. My thighs are incredibly sore from being punished for my inability to keep them from contorting. I may not always scream, but I do contort. <– I think this is part of why bondage appeals. The unavoidable struggle when I’m turned on just reinforces my helplessness and gets me off more. I did like the verbal command/predicament though…the hint at deeper domination was really hot.

Otherwise, on to a busy week of catching up with people and getting my shit together. Oh, and figuring out WTF to do with vanilla guy. I have a good time hanging out with him…which blows. Because really, do I preemptively break it off, not say something and see what happens (knowing shit will hit the fan at some point), or just try to bring it up and see his thoughts? None of these options are good or easy! Damnit! After a weekend like Fusion, it’s just reinforced how much fun being kinky and open with it is.  I was more open than I ever have been with my sexuality, and I enjoyed that freedom.

Rope, bondage, experimentation, humor, and roughness/pain/domination are all core elements of my sexuality and what turns me on. I don’t know that I could be fully satisfied without it. That said, I haven’t really been in a vanilla relationship since being out in the kinky scene, so it could be possible. I just really don’t want to lead this person on, but I’m interested and very hesitant both at the same time and I don’t know how to communicate that hesitancy without outing myself. Ick. It’s much easier to date kinky men, and it makes me want to horridly blow this guy off with no explanation and run away from the situation altogether to find a kinky person instead, but I just couldn’t do that to someone. I don’t think it’s fair not to explain the real reasoning, and I’m not sure how much of that desire is a deeper fear of commitment making me self-sabotage. God, romance and crap is difficult.


4 responses to “6/25

  1. Weekend sounds pretty awesome!

    Regarding the vanilla… some guys are surprisingly adjustable and will do pretty much whatever to you if it’s going to make you come. 🙂

  2. Here are my thoughts: Because you really like the guy, it seems to me that you have two choices. Ask yourself this – Would you be happy ‘teaching’ the ‘ropes’ to someone who is interested, but inexperienced? I personally, being a sub, would not be interested in ‘teaching’ someone the ‘ropes’. That is because I like being controlled so much that this would actually turn me off. But, if you are comfortable with that, then you could approach the subject two ways…first have sex and see if he has any dominating tendencies. If he doesn’t show any control at all, then for me personally, I would have to say goodbye. Because I am happier being a sub to someone than wishing that I could be. AND THEN/OR you could mention bdsm and ask him if he is familiar with it. If he says no have no clue, then leave him to investigate that and then be the one to come to you if he shows interest. If he says yea that is sick or something like that, than for me, I’d have to find someone else. That is just my opinion. It sounds to me like this would be something that you would really miss in your life.

    • Thank you so much for the thoughts! I think at this point, I’m not ready to guide someone, as that messes with the Top/bottom dynamics I enjoy. Really, I enjoy the people I play with and hang out with a ton, and kink is important to me – I want someone that can be a part of that. I just need to own my needs, be honest about them, and state them more explicitly in my online dating profile.

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