Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
I’m more open than I ever thought I’d be, but definitely not as open as many folks I regularly hang out with.
For example, my parents and family are unaware of my kink involvement, and I prefer to keep it that way. My mother would likely be unsurprised to find out my proclivities, and I hate to say that I’m sure her and my father have experimented with some kinky shit in their time. My elder sister was at one point actively involved in kinky things in our hometown, and she’s aware I’m involved in stuff, but doesn’t know details other than that I bottom and go to parties. I have an open-minded, over-sharing family, but I am more modest than they are many times and it squicks me to think of them knowing details of my sex life, even if they wouldn’t disapprove.
Professionally, no one knows, and I pray to God it stays that way. I know people say it doesn’t matter, because if they see you, you see them and whatnot. I don’t buy that. It matters to me more than it may matter to other people that my kink stays out of my job. I don’t want to risk my professional future, and so sex and kink should stay separate from work as much as possible. Now, if I should happen to run into a coworker at a kinky event, depending on the person, it could be fine and even be a bonding experience, but again, if that never happens I’d be happy.
Personally, most of my close friends know some level of my involvement. My two ex-roommates and closest friends in DC know the largest amount of things, which is kind of ironic since one is very, very religious and conservative sexually. Even so, they listen well, give advice on my kinky dating, and one even attended some happy hours with me when I first got involved. My two closest high school friends and about 4 of my college friends know I’m kinky, some just knowing I go to kinky things, others knowing a bit more about what that entails. If someone is genuinely interested after I throw out the “I go to kinky happy hour” comment, then I answer their questions and trust them to go into more detail. There are a few grad school friends that know I attend stuff, but that’s the extent of their awareness.
Basically, once I told one person it got easier to bring it up. And really, I’m kind of a social coordinator amongst my friends, so when I was unavailable a lot due to my attending all these things, it got hard to explain. It’s easier when I can be honest about my time conflicts. It’s also much simpler to get advice about dating when I can get more into the complexities of kink. It’s never fully great, since my vanilla friends, despite their acceptance of me, are still very vanilla. I think only one person fully understands my interest enough to “get it.”
It’s still difficult for me to bring it up, especially with vanilla folks I’m dating (I need to work on that…), but I hate lying and would much rather have things in the open. As long as I’m sure things won’t threaten my professional life or ruin a friendship due to unnecessary over-sharing or judging, I’m comfortable being open about my kink with friends.
For a slightly different interpretation of this question, I’m pretty transparent about my kinks with my kinky friends and play partners. If people take the time to link to this blog and read my fetish list or about my fantasies, they are aware of most everything. I’m not that self-absorbed, though, and I realize most people don’t do that. In negotiations, I usually will talk about my interest in pain and in bondage, and leave it at that. When or if things progress and I have more trust and comfort with a play partner, I’ll approach my deep interest in teasing and denial, domination, and nipple torment. Those things are a bit too intimate for pick up play at clubs, at least to me, so I’m not as upfront/open about them as I would be with other interests.