Day 30, 30 Days of Kink

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

This one stumped me, if you couldn’t tell by the more than month-long lapse in posting it. I’ve never been great with blank prompts, it’s why I went with the whole 30-day meme thing in the first place. Despite that, I’ve decided (with the help of a friend’s input) to provide a state of the kink type of post. Essentially, it’s been a long while (6 months!) since I’ve updated my “want to play with me” and “25 things about my sexuality” posts. Those are outdated and I’ve learned a helluva lot about myself since writing them, so ta-da! 30th day post.

The key to my kinky code:

  • I will start relationships (friends or more) by having trust, giving the benefit of the doubt, and confidently inviting you to any number of activities. I tend towards practical optimist, and I give a lot of energy and passion to the people I choose to have in my life. If you want things to stay that way, you should:
    • Initiate time spent together and plan things (in advance) – I should not doubt that you enjoy my company and want to spend time with me. If it’s all one sided, the above stance on our relationship – again, friend or more – will change drastically.
    • Avoid ambiguous or vague language, communicate clearly, and strive to not send mixed messages. I’m hyper-sensitive to changes in people’s moods, very empathetic, and overly analytical – honesty, bluntness, explicitness are all appreciated. Over-communication is much preferred to a lack of it.
  • I enjoy a variety of kinks, and am happy with a scene that’s just a spanking, a quick rope tie, or a full-on torment session. That said, certain things make the top of the list, and if you want to get me wet and daydreaming about you, you’ll be into:
    • bondage
    • teasing and denial, referring to orgasm denial or “edging” as some put
    • nipple torture – either really rough and painful, or just-barely-there gentle
    • physicality – throw me around, pin me down, beat up on me with your hands/fists, pinch, use pressure points, wrestle – I like struggling and not winning as well as the increased intimacy
    • covert public play; I’m not an exhibitionist, but the risk and struggle to maintain control while that limit is being stretched is incredibly hot to me
  • I’m not the best at direct verbal communication unless specific questions are asked. I try to hide, I blush, I stammer. I get awkward. It takes forever and just the right circumstance for me to bring up intense/controversial conversational topics.
    • If you have something you’re seeking out of a relationship, please let me know when we initially start talking. If you’re seeking play/friendship/romance, please be explicit early on.
    • I may not be very vocal during play. Sometimes, in private play situations when I know someone well, I’ll scream or moan or whatever. In public or semi-public places, or when I don’t know you well, I may squeak if taken off guard but that’s usually the extent of it. If you watch, listen, and read me, however, you’ll quickly realize that I am very responsive and expressive, just not verbally. Physically, I respond to even the gentlest stimulation. I shudder/shake/shiver uncontrollably. I’ll squirm and writhe, and as things get more intense I will literally contort my body – legs in weird places, etc. I squeeze things with my hands, rake nails, or bite depending on what’s available.
  • I tend to feel like a scene that doesn’t involve my top getting off is very self-centered. As a result, if that’s the situation we’re in, I need to know you enjoyed yourself, including how so. I want to know if you got turned on by it. I want to know that you participated on a mental level as well.
    • I give a lot during a scene – I let go and focus very intensely on the moment. I want to know that you are on the same page.
    • If I’m getting off and the top isn’t even turned on by it, I feel weird. I end up feeling like the top is humoring me, or I’m using them as a toy. It doesn’t feel reciprocal, and that bothers my submissive side. I connect with my partner, and I need them to connect on a similar level or it’s a no-go for me.
    • If we’re playing for fun, in a very light-hearted way (laughter and joking involved, no sexual stimulation), then I need to know you’re having fun but don’t need you to be turned on by it.
    • Tell me what you want and enjoy! I’m more than happy to try new things, experiment, or do something if it would please my partner (within my limits). It really doesn’t hurt to ask!
  • Presence and persona matter more to me than any physical attributes.
    • Humor and intelligence are of vital importance.
    • Confidence is sexy.
    • An element of nerd/geek is hot (yay IT and engineers!).
    • Be amused by me or with me, but not annoyed by me (regarding my high energy levels and quick enthusiasm).
    • Apathy is a huge turn-off, as is consistent indecisiveness.
  • Big, multi-day kink events don’t really do it for me by themselves. They appeal because of classes, cool equipment, or interesting shows (gender blender at DO:Winter Fire!). I’ll go, but only if I have people to share sleeping quarters/expenses with and if I know people to both hang out and play with. Otherwise, the cost, logistics, and anxiety aren’t worth it for me.
  • I want to try switching. I want to top with rope, but also potentially experiment with other forms of play. I enjoy pleasing my partner, and this can be done by messing with their sensations and experiences with me as a top. I have no idea what this will do to my sexual attraction for a person.
  • I’m bratty as all get out. I can be submissive, and I tend towards that way in my dynamics with men. That said, I’m playful. I like to struggle and be overpowered, as I mentioned before. I enjoy being told no, spoken to sternly, and feeling my partner’s authority (only after power is willfully/consensually ceded). I like to push, and I will push until I hit a wall or feel someone push back strongly.
  • Begging, eye contact, and dirty talk are all very hard for me. Very hard. Also, very hot.
    • Begging is hard because of my own stubborn pride. I don’t want to give in. I don’t give up or surrender easily, for anything. I rarely ask for help or rely on other people for things. I’m extremely independent. Begging involves needing or wanting something so badly but being helpless to achieve it alone, thus requiring me to acknowledge the power my partner has over me. I hate other people having power over me. Again, I also find it incredibly hot, and begging is a very clear-cut embodiment of power exchange, which is why it arouses me. It’s just usually very difficult and somewhat embarrassing for me to expose that vulnerability to that level, and patience as well as some tenderness if I get to that point are appreciated. Teasing can be ok too, but if I hit desperation-begging, then teasing will make me withdraw or get extremely insecure emotionally.
    • Eye contact is grounding, which can take me out of subspace. It also forces me to face what is happening and my active role in the proceedings. It makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, which makes me nervous and awkward, so I normally end up shutting my eyes or looking away during play. Sometimes, being forced to make eye contact will greatly enhance my feeling of submission in a scene.
    • Dirty talk, well, I was raised rather prudishly. I can write about things, but I don’t normally talk about my deepest, darkest desires out loud (surprisingly). I sometimes feel cheesy saying dirty things, or embarrassed depending on the situation. Hearing it is hot, and sometimes being forced to vocalize, despite the slight embarrassment, is also arousing.
  • I will only participate in pick-up play if I am incredibly attracted to or feel a very intense connection with someone I meet at an event. It’s not that common anymore.
    • If I’ve fetstalked you, seen you play with someone else, or met you through a friend, your chances increase.
    • If it’s for rope practice/lab time or a suspension, then it’s more about trusting you and enjoying your company and the connection/attraction thing is less true. If this is the case, then there will be no sexual play in our encounter. Above-the-waist touching may be ok, situation specific.
    • If I am trying something new with an expert/very experienced top, it’s another exception. This is usually a “for science!” situation, at least for the first time I interact with this person.
    • I don’t have sex in public. I have to really be in the moment to be able to even come close to getting off in public. I don’t have sex with someone I’ve just met, no matter what the level of attraction. Ask before touching me sexually.
    • If you’re new and want to try something, I may be willing to serve as a demo/practice bottom of sorts. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and can get into the right headspace in this scenario if it’s planned properly. If this is the case, there needs to be a more experienced person (at whatever item/thing is being utilized) present whom I trust and like.
  • Why do I go to public events at all? Furniture/equipment! No noise restrictions, no nosy roommates or neighbors. Fun times with friends and existing play partners. Meeting new people. Watching interesting scenes. It’s not always about the play. Sometimes, I may sit on a couch alone and watch the room for a while – and that’s ok. I’m not unhappy, or depressed, or pathetically sad; I will usually appreciate company and conversation, but I find a certain peace of mind from just being in the kinky environment and observing sometimes. It lets me process all the crazy kinky shit going on in my mind before I come here to write it up :).

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