Day 2, 30 Days of Me

Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I’m afraid my interest and involvement in kink will someday negatively interfere with my professional or personal ambitions.

I live in the nation’s capitol, so you can probably guess that I work with government in some way. I work in the world of security clearances and political aspirations, where privacy is a privilege. Currently, I don’t do anything in kink that poses any specific threat, nor do I hold a job that I risk losing because of my sex life.

Someday, however, I may have interest in running for some small local office. Maybe City Councilwoman, or a local auditor. I’d consider running to be a state representative, or who knows, maybe something higher up within certain agencies. I’d love to possibly get involved in education and counseling for children someday, or maybe advise a bigger politician on policy issues. Thing is, all of those things invite people to scrutinize your personal life.

If my kink is outed to the world-at-large, it wouldn’t kill me. I would never sell government secrets, and I’d get over it. My immediate family is pretty forgiving of sexual things, and my extended family would probably just try to ignore it. The world wouldn’t end. Even so, I don’t want my business everywhere, and the public does not generally accept what it is that we do. I would either have to take up kink and sexual freedom as a personal issue I fight for, or I’d need to pretend to repent for my sins of sexuality. I don’t really want to do either of those things.

Primarily, I’m afraid the choices I’m making now will greatly complicate  decisions I’ll need to make later.

I’m afraid of never finding the right person to marry and have a family with.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I want the whole 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence thing. I want to have a family of my own (no kids now though! Hell no!). I want to find someone to share my life with in every way.

I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, and I never have. I don’t imagine I’d ever let being single stop me from enjoying life. That said, the thought of being in my fifties and never having married or had kids horrifies me. I won’t settle, and I would rather be in no relationship than an abusive one… but I also want love and marriage and the baby carriage. So sue me, I’m a bit of a traditionalist.

I’m afraid of letting people down. 

This is a biggie. I have a pretty huge inferiority complex. I had a rough childhood, and my attempt at getting noticed in my family was to collect achievements. If I got good grades, they’d be proud of me. If I won a scholarship, they’d be proud of me. Etcetera, etcetera. Cue violins. I had specific family members who are very elitist, and I wanted to succeed in ways that fit their measures of success. I want to make my family proud of me, my friends proud of me…basically to please the people in my life I care about.

I temper my fear with a hard dash of realism in order to not be crippled by it. I try not to let my fear of failing keep me from trying. I have a realistic outlook on life and can find happiness anywhere, and I can always find something to cheer me up or to be proud of…but at the end of the day, I can also always find something to be improved upon. I strive to be good enough, to not fail. The thought of someone I respect, admire, or care for having a negative opinion of me scares me. I know I should live for myself and not anyone else, and I try to repeat that whenever I make big decisions. At my core, however, is someone who hates conflict and wants to contribute to the happiness of those around her.

 

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