A Missing Element

I always talk about how it’s so close to impossible for me to submit to someone, how rare it is, and how I bottom because of those things. I’ve been exploring this concept in my head a lot recently.

Over the last year or so, I’ve delved into kink quite a bit. I bottom for scenes, and have been enjoying experimenting with all sorts of new things. I like playing, and I like most of toys in some fashion. I realized a few weeks ago that despite that, I’ve still left most of my biggest kinks unexplored.

I love bondage and pain in all forms, but in my most recurring fantasies it’s teasing and denial, begging, nipple torture, and discreet bondage or play in public that take center stage. Bondage and pain play roles in all those fantasies, but it’s these other things – things that focus on power exchange, vulnerability, intimacy, control, etc. that appeal to me. All these things that I masturbate about, write erotica about, but at the end of the day, I don’t do.

When I realized that, I started wondering why not, and it’s because to me they are things to be done within a relationship because of the trust involved. They also involve my submitting to someone, not just bottoming for them. So, what does it take for me to submit to someone? That’s the question.

For me, submission isn’t something I take lightly. I don’t fake reactions or emotions, and I’m terrible at acting. Role-playing submission doesn’t work well for me. If I’m submitting to you, not just letting you play within a set of negotiated limits – if I’m letting you into my head – it’s a different can of worms.

First off, I’m very proud, stubborn, and independent. I am terrible at asking for help and admitting weakness. I have issues with inferiority, and I don’t like others to see me as anything other than strong, focused, and in control of my shit. Submitting is letting someone not only see me when I’m vulnerable, it’s letting them create the vulnerability. I like submitting because it allows me to trust someone, be at my most vulnerable, not worry and stress about being in charge all the time, and relax. That said, I’m used to people seeing me vulnerable and taking advantage in negative ways, and I’ve spent my life training my mind to avoid mental and emotional pain by avoiding vulnerability. As a result, submitting is the thing I crave most sometimes, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to let people in.

Second, I’m good at organizing things, planning, logistics, and leading. I do so in my vanilla life, and I do so quite well. I’m decently intelligent and successful. If I’m going to submit to you, I have to trust that you can do all these things, and do them as well or better than I can. I rarely encounter people that can do that who are also single and kinky, let alone who I also am attracted to/share ‘nilla interests with.

Third, I have a very, very active sense of humor. It’s not just one kind – I laugh at sarcastic comments, crude jokes, lame jokes…really it’s all good. I will kid around and make snarky comments as much as possible…so kill me, I like having fun. This tends to throw people off or annoy the Domly Dom types. Apparently, it makes me bratty. I’m fine being put in my place for it if it’s done with good spirit and humor in response, but I can’t really shut it off.

Lastly, I’m the type of person who will push until someone pushes back. I used to joke in school that I did the least amount possible to get the highest grade possible. If I could get away without doing my homework for a week, I would. If it means a low score or failing a test, I’ll change my behavior. This means yes, I could have done better, but it allowed me to also have a life and I still did well enough to achieve my goals. It’s sort of the same with submitting. If I can get away with being bossy or snarky, fighting back, etc., I will. If I am put in my place or hit a boundary that is a clear boundary (not a humor thing, but actual one), I will not do it again. Most people will kid back or take me at face value – rarely do people step up and establish boundaries.

All that aside, pleasing my partner is incredibly important to me. I like service when it’s self motivated – I enjoy cleaning and if I know it pleases my partner, I’m likely to volunteer to do it; command me to do it and I’ll be annoyed. I work better by being told how to please my partner and then being given the opportunity to do so, less so with direct orders unless in the bedroom. Protocols tend to make me feel stressed or bogged down unless they are simple or natural. Titles seem cheesy to me unless I genuinely feel your power in my blood. I respond best to quiet authority.  Gentle assumptions of control over time that are seamless within our interactions work best for things outside of a scene; during a scene, I’m all for force, struggling, etc.

So I don’t label myself as submissive, because it seems so difficult for me to find. I bottom. I switch, sometimes. I can find happiness without ongoing power exchange, as long as there’s some kink present. I can allow the surrender of pain and bondage suffice, and not really notice a difference. I also could very likely find happiness as someone’s submissive, with much greater levels of mindfucking, and all the predicaments and vulnerability that may go with that…I just haven’t found the right person to explore it with. My experiments with D/s thus far — online interaction for a year with one person, being formally “taught” by someone for a few months (real life thing but long distance excepting a weekend), dating for a few months but casually and poly, dating someone into high protocol that scared me out of D/s altogether for a while — none of those situations allowed me to deeply delve into this realm.

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