Stress, Learning, and Cravings

First, work is nuts. I never realized quite how much of a perfectionist I am, at least in terms of meeting my own personal standards. My boss’ incompetence is just growing and growing. He tries to do certain things administratively that directly contradict what the boss above him says. He takes too long to finish projects and is very behind, which is hindering the progress of our report. Furthermore, since I can’t trust him to do things, I have to do a ton more than I should be doing, and I simply don’t have time to do it. There are very intense deadlines being set by upper management, and the agency we’re working with is stonewalling us and not providing data we’ve requested. All this on top of catch up from going overseas, people’s holiday absences (including my own), and normal life pressures. EEEEEEP.

Otherwise, everything is busy. Trying to see friends and do normal life things (bills, dr appointment, groceries, job/fellowship apps and loan payments) on top of work and going in/out of town is leaving me very little free time. I alter between wanting to curl up in a ball, be intensely dominated, and have the shit beaten out of me. See below listing on options for realigning the internal stress.

It’s funny though…I’m going through a kind of kink withdrawal. Between going overseas for work for 2 weeks and the prep before/after that, and now leaving for a wedding, then leaving for thanksgiving, I won’t be able to attend a kink event until Rapture at the end of the month and I haven’t been to anything since Fetish ball. I’ve been experimenting with orgasm control/denial with someone new, but that’s a different type of torment and release.

On a relevant sidenote, teasing and denial has reiterated and taught me a few things:

  • One, when I’m incredibly aroused, I do indeed vocalize.
  • Two, when I’ve been teased for a few days, I can get aroused enough to take a dildo, which means YAY! sex is possible without the physical therapy my OBGYN recommended. Rock on.
  • Third, I have a bit of an oral fixation; sucking on things turns me on. Probably has something to do with my first kinky play partner’s “training”…but is also probably somehow related to:
  • Fourth, I literally get off on getting my partner off. When someone I like and am attracted to (important points, it’s not like every person I know getting off gets me off) is receiving pleasure, I physically react. They shudder, moan, get hard, and I shudder, moan, and get wet. Handy hardwiring, that. I realized this a good while ago, but the extent to which it holds true fascinates me.
  • Fifth, having been allowed to climax, I’m now missing the denial. I enjoyed the edge of arousal during the day. I hated, but also loved the torment of teasing without release.

But, back to the withdrawal and stress…Basically,  I’ve never been one to cry when I’m stressed. Working out and being productive does help a lot, but not quite enough. The frustration at work and everything makes me want pain to process it all. Options for processing/realigning the stress:

  • Warmth in blankets and hot cocoa while in a ball watching bad tv, basically hiding away from it all.
  • Drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
  • Finding my old roommate and recentering with her steady comfort and awesomeness. (Which hopefully happens tomorrow, so will hopefully improve my mental state)
  • Laughing hysterically with friends. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start spontaneously laughing hysterically alone.
  • Wrestling/grappling, or an excuse to fight really hard, use my energy, and still lose.
  • Bondage for similar reasons – I want to struggle, lose, then settle into helpless peacefulness.
  • Pain because it helps me release the pent up tension by creating tension of a different type, tension I can’t ignore and have to face but can then release.
  • Serving someone else in a very intense power exchange way, so that I don’t have to think or worry about anything. So much lack of control in a bad way from work/life, so it’s good to have an intentional, healthy lack of control in order to recenter and refocus.

Problem is, not really in a good place to get one of the latter options. I keep leaving town, so I can’t attend a kinky event to get someone to meet me up and help there. I don’t want to have one of my play partner folks help me out because it counteracts the control I’ve surrendered. And while I’m accepting enough of my need for pain to joke about it or talk about it with either a complete stranger (no risk) or a very trusted friend (no risk), I feel too exposed and raw bringing it up outside of those contexts. Basically, I still feel all dark and twisty for this way of coping, so I hate calling attention to it. So, stuck…annnnd stuck with this stress and mental frustration is not fun.

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