Surprises

I was a little surprised by some things this past weekend. I’m at a point where there are so many options that I’m a bit paralyzed. I guess more than anything, there’s just a variety of situations that I’m open to now.

First off, I’m thrown by my interest in topping. I still have no interest in being the dominant partner in a D/s relationship, but I do enjoy messing with someone. I like pleasing people, I like swatting things, and I like having fun – if someone has fun and gets off on being swatted, then why not top? I shouldn’t be surprised, since I used to hit my friends with branches/newspapers jokingly all the time when I was younger, but I am. Mainly, I don’t get off on having control, but I do get off on my partner getting off. It’s a tricky combo.

On the exact opposite side, I really do want to pursue a D/s relationship. I’ve played more with some people who exude power, and it not only turns me on but makes me feel safe and happy. I like pleasing people, and being given opportunities to serve or please my partner. I like being forced to stay within certain boundaries. I’m rarely faced with true authority. I’m not manipulative, per se, but I’m persuasive and analytical, and even at work where I should be the subordinate, I usually get my way. Since I’m single and only responsible for myself, I have autonomy over my life and my decisions. I’m heavily influenced by friends and family, but at the end of the day, no one has authority over me outside of the law. I do things well, but it is so relaxing and amazing to be able to trust someone else to get shit done. It’s great to have someone else’s opinion to defer to. No matter how good I am at being in control and leading, I will always find more satisfaction in yielding that control to someone else, so long as that other person is qualified. It’s really just a matter of finding someone I respect and trust is that qualified person.

With that, I didn’t realize fear would turn me on so much. I tend to stay in my head quite a bit. I’m open with my reactions, but not with my emotions (at least not outside of this blog). If someone can get in my head and make me afraid, and is confident enough to fuck with me, well, that’s incredibly hot. Fear is an expression of vulnerability, and while I do everything possible to minimize vulnerability in my vanilla life, I really enjoy it in my romantic and sexual relationships. I’m craving that vulnerability now. I want someone to command me and get in my head.

Lastly, I’m slightly less put off by sexual play with women. I’m still not really comfortable with certain sexual things, but I do find some females and queer folk attractive. Who knows where that will go.

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