Struggle

Feeling strangely alone and sad.

Close friends all out of town or busy. Others have loved ones and plans. Others yet don’t even think to be in touch.

Superficial people seeking and receiving all the attention. People placing such emphasis on appearance and popularity.

Work reassignments, promotions going away, politics and incompetent leaders.

Men being self-revolved or not making efforts to woo me.

Feeling as if few people would notice if something were to happen to me. Knowing it isn’t true, but feeling it.

Stress, lonely, horny, overwhelmed. Frustrated by so many people. Jaded. Curious but hating the answers I’m finding.

I want someone else to take the reins, make the decisions. I want to relax. I want to just concentrate on the rope wrapping around my skin.

Reading about damaging yourself to escape the pain, and knowing that’s how I process too. Feeling lesser for processing the way I do. Feeling damaged. Feeling rejected by some friends and wondering if it’s related. Am I crazy, wrong? Should I be attending church and therapy and ignoring all of this? Is there a middle ground?

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