Discipline: I lack it.

I lack it.

Don’t get me wrong, I get shit done. I know very well how to accomplish things, and I am good at achieving the goals I’ve set (even if it takes dogged persistence to get there). That said, when it comes to exceeding my goals, I often fall short.

I have a very rigid set of standards for myself. In addition to that, I have a level of success I want to achieve in order to maximize my happiness. I am good at achieving the latter, but not always the former. For example, I know I want to make Dean’s List or Honor Roll and I do so, but I get the minimum grade necessary to do so. The standard would be to get a 4.0.  Often, I prioritize happiness or fun over reaching certain ideals as long as I’ve achieved a certain level of success.

This trend is carrying over into life, and it worries me in terms of long-term happiness. I’m doing well at work, with family, with friends, etc. I’m living my life and I’m not unhappy with things. That said, I could (and should) be working out regularly, planning meals more regularly, reading more, maintaining better contact with loved ones, spending less money, and spending more time at home. Basically, I need to prioritize taking care of and bettering myself over fun sometimes…and I lack the discipline to do so. Not doing so isn’t penalizing me (I have enough money, no one is mad at me, I’m eating meals, I’m healthy)…but it is in the long run. My health won’t last forever, and it would serve me to have more money saved. I’d be more focused and less stressed were I to spend more time at home.

A lot of my lack of discipline comes from not wanting to do things alone or not wanting to say no to things. I want to spend time with my friends living life to the fullest. That’s not a crime, but I need to feel more empowered by taking care of myself.

Often, I long for a Dominant because I’d love to entrust someone to keep me accountable. Friends keep me accountable sometimes, but not always. The size of this city doesn’t really help out in that – it’s hard to have a gym buddy when potential ones live 30 minutes away. I don’t want someone to create goals for me and hold me to them, train me to be a different person…but someone assisting in behavior modification at my initiative to help me achieve my goals – that’d be awesome.

Anyhow, I will say that at the very least I have two routines in my life. I have few routines normally, other than going to work. Seriously – I haven’t had routines in forever. For the last several months, however, I’ve spent every Sunday night with my roommate watching Game of Thrones and every Tuesday night potlucking and playing games with two other friends (Settlers of Catan, Kingdom Builders, and Dominion are our frequent games). It may seem minor, but this consistency has done wonders for my life and sense of self.

Moral of this story: I need a meal planning routine and a workout routine.

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