Disassociating…or re-evaluating.

Lately, I seem to have random bursts of passion about things instead of my usual zest for all things in life. I think I need some mental relaxation. A lot has been going on, basically.

First, I’m back in the States! Yay! Another bomb went off while I was there, and it was a much closer call. I was definitely happy to be going back home. As much as I consider going for a year (financially, it’s the best decision), I can’t make myself face the risks. That, and after two weeks I was twitchy from loud noises; a year would give me actual PTSD.

On the positive side, my bosses at work are recommending me for a promotion, unprompted from me. I really hope it happens. Either way, it’s nice to have my work recommended.

I’ve been oddly uninterested in kink for a while now. I think it started by dating a religious guy and making me re-evaluate casual play – combined with feeling shitty after playing with too many coupled people and casual encounters. I haven’t really done much lately. I went to the rope event in May, and played at Rapture in March…but that’s been it, really. I haven’t been to the Crucible or BR in months either. I’m still very much enjoy bondage and pain, but I only want it with someone who I’m submitting to, which is rare to find. Basically, I’m seeking a Dominant man for a relationship, surprise surprise. The other kink stuff I really only want to do with a regular romantic partner, preferably one with power over me.

It’s a weird mood to be in, really, especially prior to Fusion. I’m not very excited for this year’s Fusion. I’m not prepared – I’m not packed or shaved, I don’t have classes selected, and I don’t have playdates all set up. I’m going without a partner (with friends, yes, but “solo”). There will be 1,000 people there and limited bathrooms. I have to cook my food and I don’t know if we have the right equipment to do so. It stresses me out. I am worried I will just end up retreating somewhere and reading for several hours. I just feel lonely in my kink. I need someone looking out for me that I can play and grow with, and without that, it all feels empty. I’d love to be the type for casual encounters, but I have never mastered that, emotionally or physically.

On the other hand, I’ve had some shitty family stuff get even shittier lately (that gets a post of its own), and combined with the warzone crap, I could use some BDSM. As the title of the post indicates, the more shit that I think about, stress about, etc., the more I just disassociate altogether and start feeling like nothing matters. It makes me question what I’m doing with my life. I’ve intended to find a place to volunteer, start going to services, and work out more – but I seemingly never have time to catch up, let alone get ahead. Ugh. I could use something to make me feel, make me forget and stop thinking, and allow me to let go. I just don’t know who I can trust to take me there anymore.

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