I posted a week or so ago about how I like rules and structure in life, and how that permeates seemingly every aspect of my life. I realized today why that is, and how that impacts how I view myself. It’s amazing how 1) once you notice something about yourself, you see it everywhere and 2) one other person can give you so much insight about yourself.
So, I like rules, structure, and discipline. It’s what I value more than almost anything else. I realized – I had almost no discipline or structure in my family life or growing up. The only discipline I’ve had has been self-installed, provided through school, or from God (or my interpretation of my spirituality).
Creating and following my own standards and rules has given me the order I need to get through life successfully. Lately, I’ve been super stressed out, and I had a hellish week last week. I feel like I completely humiliated myself more than once at work, and then I got super strung out a couple of times this past weekend – high strung to a level I haven’t been in a while. I recognized that this weekend – that my inability to control things lately has made me a bit crazy, and my lack of kink or surrender has just further facilitated that – but tonight, it hit home even more.
After a date’s comment a few weeks ago, I started noticing that I have a tendency to act like a know it all, be stubborn, or speak before thinking in ways that overstep boundaries I feel are in place. Acting like a know it all with friends is something I thought I got past in middle school. Letting my impatience and stubbornness impact my ability to stay humble, respectful, and deliberate at work is something I thought I got through too, but I’ve messed that up. In the scheme of my losing my internal shit the last few weeks, I overstepped my self-imposed discipline, which I haven’t been able to let go. I disrespect myself and am so embarrassed for my lack of discipline in these work situations.
I know that while yes, at the exact moment of these incidents, people may have thought differently of me, but likely forgot it immediately following. I need to let it go. All I can do is know that this is a tendency, work to improve and forgive myself, and try to be as best a person as I can moving forward. I think I may discuss it with my immediate supervisor, just to ask him if he has any feedback on how I can manage those situations and if it’s in my head. I can apologize for being too opinionated or overstepping his management, and ask him to be honest if he feels I’ve done that.
Anyhow, more reason why sometimes, I think I’m too harsh on myself. I set up high standards, then sometimes lack discipline to follow them, and instead of being able to be punished and let it go, I harp on it over and over. Someday, I hope to find someone who can give guidance and instill structure in my life.