I’ve been a bit stressed and wacked out lately, and I realized (yet again) that my brain is inclined to be in a state of stress at all times. I work better with things to strive towards. Goals, making God/friends/partner/boss happy, improving myself… I make so many lists, and I appreciate structure and moving forward. Kinky fun can often force me to be in the moment, as can extreme activities. I love trying new things, because when I’m in nature, by water, traveling, or doing something like whitewater rafting I am in the moment, appreciating everything I have and why life is often.
I have my gratitude journal entries that help me reflect on the positive so I can live more in the moment… but I still seem to overfocus on what and where and who and how I want to be, not on who I am now, where I am now, etc. I make so many plans I don’t have time to just be. It’s a work in progress.
Lately, talking to different people and reading and stress made me revisit submission. I’ve been mildly obsessed with tumblr (see link at right), and it’s kept me horny and thinking on dirty terms before bed. It’s a good change for my sex drive to be on high, since when I’m un-partnered sometimes that fades a bit. Anyhow, I really like the idea of a Dominant partner ‘forcing’ me to enjoy things that scare me or things that are for his, and not my, pleasure. Orgasm conditioning, of a sort.
The cane, for example, scares me quite a bit. (I know they can be sensual, but my experiences have all been of the ‘hit hard enough to break the cane’ variety.) Being denied and kept on edge, forced to beg for something that scares me, and then for my partner to use said implement to ratchet my arousal, alternating intense pain with teasing touches so that I crave more from the implement of my panic… sounds really hot to me. The first guy I got kinky with in person experimented a bit with training me to be aroused when sucking cock. It worked surprisingly well – a month where I couldn’t masturbate without sucking on something, and even now, three years later, I still get more turned on than before when giving head. It’s a mild mindfuck, but a fun idea.
I need to write another story and incorporate some of these ideas: offering myself up for something I don’t want, begging for something I don’t want, being used for my partner’s pleasure…focus on the subjugation, the surrender, and the mental tease more as much as the physical edging and/or pain. Maybe someday I’ll have time…
In the meantime, I’ve learned 1) I can have multiple orgasms (yay new toy and sexyfuntimes), 2) being fucked with for fun turns me on but the idea of serious mindfucks scare the shit out of me, and 3) I really need to get some action, soon.