I realized I haven’t been blogging nearly as much lately. I think part of it stems from having a weekly gratitude journal. I used to write about what was going on, but with my weekly “what was awesome in my life” private entry, there’s not as much need for that. I also think time (of course) and hesitancy from worrying who sees what I write have gotten to me.
More than anything, though, the time has been a factor. I have spent several months now always on the go, and it’s a pace I don’t particularly love. I enjoy doing fun and awesome things, but balance is a struggle, as always. My time always gets even more stretched whenever I date someone. I told someone this weekend that I know when I need to break it off with someone when I would rather be with my existing friends than them. It isn’t necessarily that I dislike someone or don’t like them as a friend, but there has to be more than that to prioritize that date over other activities.
Weirdly, the guy I’ve been seeing most recently is moving at a glacial pace. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to rush into things – I don’t commit quickly, and my preference is to date for a while and/or be exclusive before sex is involved – but this was too much for even me. Nothing makes you feel less desirable than a guy not making a move to do more than peck you on the lips after 5 dates. I mean, really? C’mon now.
So, unfortunately, that means that needs to end, because I don’t feel as excited or giddy before or after our dates. I don’t have a bad time with him, I actually enjoy myself a decent amount. The problem is, I can’t relax or let my interest grow if I spend so much time questioning where he’s at or if he even finds me appealing at all. At the end of the day, it’s time and energy I don’t have, especially if it makes me feel worse about myself afterwards. I hate it because I like him and thought there was real potential there.
More than anything, though, it’s taught me a few things about dating. If I could communicate “rules” to people I may date, they would be this:
- Never split the bill. On a first date, the man should pay (call me old fashioned, but I’m old fashioned). After that, either he should pay or you can take turns. When one person pays, showing gratitude and offering to pay is also polite. Or, for example, if one person grabs dinner, the other can grab the movie tickets. Going straight up dutch feels cold and, to me, platonic.
- Make one another feel special. You’re not just hanging out as friends, so don’t act like that – pay a compliment here or there, tease or flirt, hold hands, open doors, or remember something they mentioned on a prior date.
- If you had a good time, text after getting home or the day after to reiterate that.
- If you want to see the person again, make plans at the end of the date to do so. Don’t ask for a specific second date too early, or traps the person into answering yes. You don’t need to hammer out details, just the day. If this fails, ask me 2-3 days in advance.
- Once in a while, make a phone call instead of texting. It’s so rare that it is immediately woo-ing.
Other than that, life is good. Many positive things have happened, and finally the bride-zilla wedding is over. I’ve been more removed from the kinky world than ever, though. I go to the vanilla board game events with kinky people attending, and I’ll be attending a party this weekend for the first time in months. I feel so jaded about it. I want to play and do kinky things, but I really have no desire to do so with a stranger in a public space. I also am sick of going to happy hours where I don’t know anyone and have to deal with bunches of creepy men, superficial youngsters (and yes I realize they’re my age), and painfully awkward folks. I know there are cool people at those places too, but it’s so much effort to find them. My kinky chosen family has seemingly dissipated, because people have paired off and are all engaged or about to be married, and they don’t all get along anymore, so common hanging-out events don’t really happen much. That, or the other friendly faces are always out of town.
The positive of less kink is that I’ve been reading more and connecting with my grad school friends more frequently. Those friends are fun and smart and awesome, so I can’t complain. It’s just a strange transition.