D/s

I attended some friends’ collaring ceremony this weekend, and that, combined with the fact that I’ve been going out with a kinky Dominant-type dude, has put D/s on the mind again.

I go back and forth with power exchange pretty regularly. Sometimes, I feel like my independence and individuality would be sacrificed were I to become someone’s submissive. I worry that my humor will be suppressed, and that I won’t be able to maintain relationships with various friends. I worry that I won’t be able to speak my mind, and anyone that has ever met me knows that I have pretty much no filter.

At the same time, being submissive to someone seems like it would be focusing, calming, and comforting in ways that don’t exist presently in my life. It’s indicative of so much trust. The idea of someone possessing me is arousing and exciting.

I look at pictures of women kneeling, crawling, or otherwise subjugating themselves for their Doms, and it freaks me out at the same time as it turns me on. I have so much pride, and my partner’s respect for me is so important to me that I worry I’ll lose that. I want to be vulnerable, but I want to be respected, and I don’t want be belittled in my vulnerability. It’s a maddening combination.

My friends who had the ceremony seem to be doing it right, though. They have a lot of love, and they seem to attack life together as equal partners while maintaining a strong M/s dynamic. She doesn’t seem to have lost herself at all. In some ways, it gives me hope that I can find that too.

I haven’t craved a collar since before graduate school, before I’d even gotten involved in kink in real life. I’ve played a couple of times with a collar on, and I enjoyed it. In some ways, it felt like permission for me to give up control. Sometimes I need permission, or reminders that it’s ok to surrender. It was focusing and comforting. At the same time, I can’t wear a collar without associating it with ownership, and I want collars I wear to be associated with one person. I want to wear someone specific’s collar.  I like the idea of a symbolic representation of my power exchange, even if it’s just a necklace. Thing is, it’s really hard to grasp the level of commitment a collar represents since it’s so different to so many people. Hell, for all I know, most kinky dudes think collars are nuts or a waste of time.

All I know is, with my recent ennui and strange shit at work, some bondage, pain, and subjugation sound pretty awesome right about now. Hell, sitting at someone’s feet with a collar and cuffs sounds pretty great too.

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