Vulnerability

I put a decent amount of information about myself into the abyss. Some of it is easily accessible and connected to me, some is easily accessible so long as you know my pseudonym, and some is embedded.

My literotica stories and tumblr, for example, are linked to my fetlife profile. My stories and tumblr are linked from the blog. Those are easily accessible, as long as you know my fetlife handle. My blog, however, isn’t directly linked to my profiles anymore, but rather is inside an “about me” separate page on my tumblr. Sometimes, my WP stats tell me if someone was referred from there. Sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes people follow me and it alerts me, but rss readers don’t alert me.

My point is, I’m reasonably aware that people can access my erotica or tumblr, but have no clue when people are reading my blog. It’s a bit disconcerting, really, because sometimes I want to be very candid, but I’m worried people will read it and realize I’m talking about them (or think I am when I’m not).

Most people I know nowadays post everything via notes and journal entries on fetlife. I never like that, though, because then people’s response validates me or makes me feel rejected, and I don’t write for validation. Writing, for me, serves several purposes:

  1. It’s cathartic. I process emotions better when I write about them. I reinforce feelings of gratitude, I can logically go through problems, I can visualize my emotions and potentially apply reason to them. I’m not great at talking through emotionally heavy things with people, and I spent many years with lots of emotions pent up inside. That wasn’t healthy. Writing about these feelings, whether it be anonymously or privately, helps me release those emotions.
  2. The readers in my abyss may learn from me, and I can learn from their comments/responses.
  3. I may give someone wank fodder, which is kind of hot to think about.
  4. There’s a slim, slim chance that some Domly/Toppy dude will take an interest in me, stalk me, and get a whole bunch of insight into how my mind works, better enabling him to fuck with me and ultimately control me. Again, communicating about my feelings in terms of submission is possible for me, but I’m not great at initiating that conversation. Things on here sort of make that difficulty irrelevant.

Thing is, that last one, that’s the thing that I both want and fear. It’s a level of vulnerability to someone that I don’t normally have. Knowledge is power, and if someone stumbles onto this blog, they have a lot more knowledge about me than I do them, and that puts them in a position of power. That makes me nervous. There’s great potential for arousal and submissive feelings and all that fun stuff, but with that comes great potential for someone to hurt me. (Such is power exchange.) Up until now, the only men who have shared that they’ve read up on me are relationships that have not ended positively. It doesn’t bode well, but I still retain hope.

I really wish there was a better way to know who my readers are, so that I know when to self-censor on here and so that I could better prepare myself for interactions with different folks.

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