Asking Permission

I’m still with the new dude, and for the most part, things are going well. We had a drama-filled encounter with some friends of mine, and he handled it super awesomely. While I was upset for my friend who was suffering, the issue let me see a side of the new dude that I really appreciated.

I’m struggling for a few reasons, though. One, I think he’s generally a quieter guy, but I’m not used to that, so sometimes I expect more conversation to happen. Two, I swapped my OkC profile to “Seeing someone,” and he said he would too…but 48+ hours later, and he still hasn’t, and he shows as having logged on a few times. This, in turn, is making me insecure and making me wonder if I should be concerned. He was the one pushing for exclusivity at first, so it’d be frustrating if he were seeing multiple people after that agreement was made. If you want to date around, just say so, and we can be open about it. I feel sort of nuts/in my head about it, though, and it makes it harder for me to bring it up. I don’t want to ruffle feathers. It is such an inconsequential thing, but yet, it still really bothers me, which bothers me more because I know it doesn’t really matter. Ugh.

Lastly, and on a totally different note, I’m not sure entirely how to incorporate D/s into things. In the bedroom, there’s an element of it. I don’t want to freak him out, though. He said he’s into toys and things insomuch as it turns me on, but I feel weird and extra freaky for wanting pain and things he isn’t really naturally inclined towards. He said something offhand today and I mentioned that it’d be hot, and he was all “you think everything is hot.” I’m sure he didn’t mean that negatively, but to me, it feels that way because I feel like I’m more screwed up in the head than he is in terms of my fantasies. I’m trying to take it slow and let things build, and just see what happens, but it’s difficult.

In the meantime, we have a rule that I’m to ask for permission before climaxing. This shouldn’t be difficult, but it’s hard as hell for me. I keep thinking it’ll be easier to ask next time. When we’re together, I don’t have an issue with it. When his hands are fucking with me, begging seems more natural. By myself, when he’s living his life and doing whatever, the thought of calling and interrupting his day to ask is humiliating and scary. I convince myself he’ll say no anyways, so why bother asking? It’s so stupid, because having to ask is hot as hell to me, and the thought that I would call and he’d say no is arousing too. I’m not really sure how to make it easier.

Sooo I have no clue how to go about dealing with these things, but that’s what I’ve been up to lately.

*edited* to add that I did at least tell him I was struggling to ask…worried that he’d judge me for the timing or I’d impose/interrupt him. He pointed out that the point is to give up control, which requires actually doing so and surrendering to him. Moreover, he reinforced that my asking turns him on, and is what he desires. Imposing implies that he wouldn’t want the call…I need to get it in my head that he wants my surrender, and that he gets off on that. Perhaps if I can frame it in my head as calling him pleases him, demonstrates my submission/obedience to him, than I will want to do it more.

It’s interesting, because he mentioned that part of the current arrangement we have is freedom. I’m allowed to touch myself however and whenever I want, as long as I ask for permission. It isn’t like he’s telling me to touch myself every day. He mentioned that he has no desire for the latter, because it may mean I was touching myself when I didn’t want to, which isn’t as thrilling for him. I tried, and will have to think of a better way to explain later, that if I’m touching myself in order to follow a rule, that in turn arouses me. Even if I didn’t want to before doing it, I’d enjoy it more because of that, because it meant I was doing it for him and the act of submission turns me on more than the touching. And, if something was really bothering me or I wasn’t able to enjoy it, I would let him know I was struggling, and if that really bothered him, we could waive the rule that time. As long as there’s consistency (like if waiving it, maybe require something different or extra time next time or something so that it isn’t too easy to skip out) it’s all good.

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