It all falls apart

I know people love me. I do. Conceptually, I get that. My mom and dad, my sister, my aunts and uncles, my grandmother. But really, it doesn’t always feel like it. My family – all of them – I don’t talk to them on a daily basis, I don’t hear words of love all that frequently. I did from my mom, but she’s in the hospital, has been for a month, and there’s no sign of her being able to converse again, if she’s even able to cognitively understand that I’m her daughter and she loves me.

My friends from childhood aren’t much better. I don’t see them much, and talk and communicate even more infrequently, and so I don’t feel their love all that much. To be fair, I’m sure they feel the same about me.

My friends here in DC, well, it varies. I like these people because they live exciting, busy, worthwhile lives…but sometimes, it feels like people don’t have time for me, and only want me on their schedule if I can entertain them. I get that is likely untrue but when real shit goes down, there aren’t many people I feel OK calling. They may be OK getting the call, but because they don’t call me, I feel weird relying on them like that. And those people that I do feel OK with, well, they don’t live super close, and they have their own shit.

I’ve been barely hanging on by a thread lately because of what’s going on with my mom. I hadn’t really figured out how to cope with things yet. I kept thinking how everything was going so well otherwise – I had success at work, an amazing boyfriend. My sister is married, my dad is doing well at work. I was already in a “how come not everything can be happy at once” mood.

I had FINALLY let go of my insecurities and mistrust about my relationship, and let myself believe the thins he said about his feelings. I was excited for us to finally – FINALLY – after nearly 2 months – be in the same place at the same time, and be able to build something more steadily.

And of course, he ends it. And now I feel broken.

He said he wasn’t sure he could see us together in the long-term/marriage way, and that it isn’t fair to waste my time while he figures it out. He said that I’ve set a high bar for future women, that I make him happy, that he’s sexually attracted to me, that there’s no behaviors that bother him that I could change, just he doesn’t feel the same way. Not, “let’s slow down because we’re not on the same page,” but “I think we’re done because of X.” I pointed out how he’s been gone so much, and how much time we’ve really spent together, and that any “rush” or “time wasting” is projecting and not how I approach relationships. I pointed out that I had issues too and it wasn’t like I was dying of love yet either. He seemed a bit regretful, given those things he hadn’t considered, but when I talked to him via text after, he seemed extremely definitive in his decision. I just don’t comprehend someone making you happy but then also thinking there’s no way you could be happier or feel differently for someone. I don’t even feel like that about people I’ve known for years.

And now it’s over. I don’t really know how to handle something like this. I don’t know how to extricate him from my life. He’s become such a part of it. I finally let myself depend on him and trust him…and now he’s gone. I don’t know what to do, other than cry right now.

And of course, I feel more alone than ever. I know logically that isn’t true, but it doesn’t feel like it. One of the only things that’s been keeping my mind off my mom was him lately, and now he’s gone. All I want now that he’s gone is my mom. It’s a terribly vicious circle. My main support people are far away, overwhelmed with their own life things, or asleep. I’ve been g-chatting with one friend (thank god for him), but he’s far away too. There are a few other friends I could maybe call, but they don’t come to me with issues, they don’t include me when initiating plans (or if they do, it’s infrequent), and so I find it hard to go to them with serious sadness. I want someone to hold me, but the person who would do that just left me.

He left sad, saying it would take him a long time to get over me too…but that just makes it worse, because I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how he can so sincerely, genuinely say he’s still completely happy with me, will be upset to not be with me, but yet, isn’t feeling it enough to be with me. It makes no sense. It’s like he’s scared off by the thought of emotion he encouraged and fostered me to have.

And of course, he loves TV, and all these shows I watch, so I don’t even know what to turn on to take my mind off him. I have a painting on my wall I made with him. He lives next to two of my closest friends. He’s met all of my family…ugh.

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