Grieving

Emo title, I know. I’m falling totally behind in my awesomeness journal entries. I was doing decently well, despite my mom’s slow recovery; I had been diligent in working out, and things were good with the dude, and friends were good…and then my mom died, just over a week ago. It’s been extremely rough, to say the least. It wasn’t expected and I’m still reeling. There are so many things I can’t stop thinking about, and it all kills me.

I got back home last night (super late, after many flight delays), and was able to spend an hour or so with some friends at a bar downtown. I appreciated people stopping by to say hi and show support. It’s hard, though, because people say call them or let them know what they can do, etc., but when it comes down to it, everyone has their own lives and they’re going to live them (as they should), and I don’t want to intrude on that. All the people I saw last night had plans today, and I’m not going to ask people to cancel them or force myself into their plans. As a result, tonight I’m home by myself, and it sort of sucks. One roommate is home, but she’s not really socializing much today. I had two friends offer for me to come over, and I should have gone, but I didn’t really want to leave home either. I don’t know. They live near the boyfriend, and since he had other things in mind for the evening it would’ve been even more frustrating to be right there and not with him. Plus, I didn’t have the energy to go out and do things, I just want to be at my house around familiar things. I just didn’t really think I’d be doing that alone, either.

I had been thinking all week I guess that I’d spend the weekend with the dude, but he had shit he wanted to get done at home today, so that ended up a bust. I don’t know, to me, the weekends are for errands and fun, but I can get my errands and such done around plans with other people. Dude is out of town next weekend, and I was excited to spend a night alone with him without worrying about getting up early or whether or not too much wine would be an issue or something. I’d been researching all these different things we could have done…arlington county fair, comedian in town, movie, country bar, etc…but really, watching TV with some wine would’ve been awesome. He makes me happy, and I really like him, so I wanted to spend time with him. He was awesome this past weekend, and I got excited to continue building on those feelings, and since we weren’t really alone that whole time I was excited about the weekend’s possibilities.

I didn’t really want to push the issue either, though, because if he has stuff to do I’m not going to be the reason he doesn’t get things done. I’m also a bit gun-shy because this feels like my interest level is more than his, which makes me feel nervous and like I’m being needy. I’m already sensitive to feeling like I care more than he does given everything that happened last month, so it goes into that some too. The bitch of it is that he ends up not doing the shit he’s needed to do anyhow, and if you’re not going to do it and you know that, why not plan fun things?

My failed assumption wouldn’t normally be as big a deal to me if I wasn’t grieving and sad. I’ll see him tomorrow, and I totally get that people need to live their lives and may want space or time to themselves and such. I get that, I really do. I know us not hanging out isn’t him trying to be hurtful or avoiding seeing me or him being not into me, and that it mostly lies on me for not explicitly stating I wanted to spend Saturday night with him earlier on. That said, it’s like, I feel like I’m imposing to call people and ask them to cancel their plans to come keep me company so I’m not super sad. With the boyfriend, I guess I figured I wouldn’t have to ask/specifically state things or need for him to cancel plans. He knew that I struggled at nights before going to sleep with thoughts of my mom, and he kept calling me and saying all these things that we could be doing if I were with him, so I assumed that if it was a weekend and I was in town, obviously we’d be doing those things. Plus, I guess I thought he’d be equally excited for us both to be in town and have the weekend night together, so I figured he’d be assuming or planning on taking that time together too (not all the day both days of the weekend, just saturday night). I didn’t want to have to demand or impose on him to be here, but since he’d so clearly planned otherwise in his mind, that’s how it ended up seeming to me – like I’d be imposing if I tried to convince him to spend time with me. I didn’t have it in me to entreat someone to be here with me.

I think I should’ve just stayed in Indiana with my dad the entire weekend, because he’s all alone right now too. The irony is I didn’t because I wanted to do things with the dude that I’d had to cancel the weekend before, and I figured him and/or other people would want to hang out. I never told the dude that’s why I was coming back early, but since he’s out of town next weekend, I wanted us to have time together. I guess I should’ve been much more clear about that.

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