Day 30, 30 Days of Kink

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

This one stumped me, if you couldn’t tell by the more than month-long lapse in posting it. I’ve never been great with blank prompts, it’s why I went with the whole 30-day meme thing in the first place. Despite that, I’ve decided (with the help of a friend’s input) to provide a state of the kink type of post. Essentially, it’s been a long while (6 months!) since I’ve updated my “want to play with me” and “25 things about my sexuality” posts. Those are outdated and I’ve learned a helluva lot about myself since writing them, so ta-da! 30th day post.

The key to my kinky code:

  • I will start relationships (friends or more) by having trust, giving the benefit of the doubt, and confidently inviting you to any number of activities. I tend towards practical optimist, and I give a lot of energy and passion to the people I choose to have in my life. If you want things to stay that way, you should:
    • Initiate time spent together and plan things (in advance) – I should not doubt that you enjoy my company and want to spend time with me. If it’s all one sided, the above stance on our relationship – again, friend or more – will change drastically.
    • Avoid ambiguous or vague language, communicate clearly, and strive to not send mixed messages. I’m hyper-sensitive to changes in people’s moods, very empathetic, and overly analytical – honesty, bluntness, explicitness are all appreciated. Over-communication is much preferred to a lack of it.
  • I enjoy a variety of kinks, and am happy with a scene that’s just a spanking, a quick rope tie, or a full-on torment session. That said, certain things make the top of the list, and if you want to get me wet and daydreaming about you, you’ll be into:
    • bondage
    • teasing and denial, referring to orgasm denial or “edging” as some put
    • nipple torture – either really rough and painful, or just-barely-there gentle
    • physicality – throw me around, pin me down, beat up on me with your hands/fists, pinch, use pressure points, wrestle – I like struggling and not winning as well as the increased intimacy
    • covert public play; I’m not an exhibitionist, but the risk and struggle to maintain control while that limit is being stretched is incredibly hot to me
  • I’m not the best at direct verbal communication unless specific questions are asked. I try to hide, I blush, I stammer. I get awkward. It takes forever and just the right circumstance for me to bring up intense/controversial conversational topics.
    • If you have something you’re seeking out of a relationship, please let me know when we initially start talking. If you’re seeking play/friendship/romance, please be explicit early on.
    • I may not be very vocal during play. Sometimes, in private play situations when I know someone well, I’ll scream or moan or whatever. In public or semi-public places, or when I don’t know you well, I may squeak if taken off guard but that’s usually the extent of it. If you watch, listen, and read me, however, you’ll quickly realize that I am very responsive and expressive, just not verbally. Physically, I respond to even the gentlest stimulation. I shudder/shake/shiver uncontrollably. I’ll squirm and writhe, and as things get more intense I will literally contort my body – legs in weird places, etc. I squeeze things with my hands, rake nails, or bite depending on what’s available.
  • I tend to feel like a scene that doesn’t involve my top getting off is very self-centered. As a result, if that’s the situation we’re in, I need to know you enjoyed yourself, including how so. I want to know if you got turned on by it. I want to know that you participated on a mental level as well.
    • I give a lot during a scene – I let go and focus very intensely on the moment. I want to know that you are on the same page.
    • If I’m getting off and the top isn’t even turned on by it, I feel weird. I end up feeling like the top is humoring me, or I’m using them as a toy. It doesn’t feel reciprocal, and that bothers my submissive side. I connect with my partner, and I need them to connect on a similar level or it’s a no-go for me.
    • If we’re playing for fun, in a very light-hearted way (laughter and joking involved, no sexual stimulation), then I need to know you’re having fun but don’t need you to be turned on by it.
    • Tell me what you want and enjoy! I’m more than happy to try new things, experiment, or do something if it would please my partner (within my limits). It really doesn’t hurt to ask!
  • Presence and persona matter more to me than any physical attributes.
    • Humor and intelligence are of vital importance.
    • Confidence is sexy.
    • An element of nerd/geek is hot (yay IT and engineers!).
    • Be amused by me or with me, but not annoyed by me (regarding my high energy levels and quick enthusiasm).
    • Apathy is a huge turn-off, as is consistent indecisiveness.
  • Big, multi-day kink events don’t really do it for me by themselves. They appeal because of classes, cool equipment, or interesting shows (gender blender at DO:Winter Fire!). I’ll go, but only if I have people to share sleeping quarters/expenses with and if I know people to both hang out and play with. Otherwise, the cost, logistics, and anxiety aren’t worth it for me.
  • I want to try switching. I want to top with rope, but also potentially experiment with other forms of play. I enjoy pleasing my partner, and this can be done by messing with their sensations and experiences with me as a top. I have no idea what this will do to my sexual attraction for a person.
  • I’m bratty as all get out. I can be submissive, and I tend towards that way in my dynamics with men. That said, I’m playful. I like to struggle and be overpowered, as I mentioned before. I enjoy being told no, spoken to sternly, and feeling my partner’s authority (only after power is willfully/consensually ceded). I like to push, and I will push until I hit a wall or feel someone push back strongly.
  • Begging, eye contact, and dirty talk are all very hard for me. Very hard. Also, very hot.
    • Begging is hard because of my own stubborn pride. I don’t want to give in. I don’t give up or surrender easily, for anything. I rarely ask for help or rely on other people for things. I’m extremely independent. Begging involves needing or wanting something so badly but being helpless to achieve it alone, thus requiring me to acknowledge the power my partner has over me. I hate other people having power over me. Again, I also find it incredibly hot, and begging is a very clear-cut embodiment of power exchange, which is why it arouses me. It’s just usually very difficult and somewhat embarrassing for me to expose that vulnerability to that level, and patience as well as some tenderness if I get to that point are appreciated. Teasing can be ok too, but if I hit desperation-begging, then teasing will make me withdraw or get extremely insecure emotionally.
    • Eye contact is grounding, which can take me out of subspace. It also forces me to face what is happening and my active role in the proceedings. It makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, which makes me nervous and awkward, so I normally end up shutting my eyes or looking away during play. Sometimes, being forced to make eye contact will greatly enhance my feeling of submission in a scene.
    • Dirty talk, well, I was raised rather prudishly. I can write about things, but I don’t normally talk about my deepest, darkest desires out loud (surprisingly). I sometimes feel cheesy saying dirty things, or embarrassed depending on the situation. Hearing it is hot, and sometimes being forced to vocalize, despite the slight embarrassment, is also arousing.
  • I will only participate in pick-up play if I am incredibly attracted to or feel a very intense connection with someone I meet at an event. It’s not that common anymore.
    • If I’ve fetstalked you, seen you play with someone else, or met you through a friend, your chances increase.
    • If it’s for rope practice/lab time or a suspension, then it’s more about trusting you and enjoying your company and the connection/attraction thing is less true. If this is the case, then there will be no sexual play in our encounter. Above-the-waist touching may be ok, situation specific.
    • If I am trying something new with an expert/very experienced top, it’s another exception. This is usually a “for science!” situation, at least for the first time I interact with this person.
    • I don’t have sex in public. I have to really be in the moment to be able to even come close to getting off in public. I don’t have sex with someone I’ve just met, no matter what the level of attraction. Ask before touching me sexually.
    • If you’re new and want to try something, I may be willing to serve as a demo/practice bottom of sorts. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and can get into the right headspace in this scenario if it’s planned properly. If this is the case, there needs to be a more experienced person (at whatever item/thing is being utilized) present whom I trust and like.
  • Why do I go to public events at all? Furniture/equipment! No noise restrictions, no nosy roommates or neighbors. Fun times with friends and existing play partners. Meeting new people. Watching interesting scenes. It’s not always about the play. Sometimes, I may sit on a couch alone and watch the room for a while – and that’s ok. I’m not unhappy, or depressed, or pathetically sad; I will usually appreciate company and conversation, but I find a certain peace of mind from just being in the kinky environment and observing sometimes. It lets me process all the crazy kinky shit going on in my mind before I come here to write it up :).

Day 29, 30 Days of Kink

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Nope.

If I’m in a relationship, and someone has a pet name or nickname for me, I’m for it. It has to be something natural to our dynamic and unique to me. If you play with four girls and call them all kitten, well, don’t call me kitten or I’ll get annoyed because it isn’t special or unique to us, so it doesn’t feel natural or nice.

As for referring to others, I’m respectful but I don’t use titles. If someone in the scene goes by Master, Mistress, Mr., etc., I’ll use that as their name unless or until they get douchey about it.

I don’t use Sir, M’am, Master, Mistress in a scene unless I organically feel it or we share some form of commitment. It just feels cheesy otherwise.

Day 28, 30 Days of Kink

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

I always find clothing for kink events to be an annoying dilemma. I’m right on the border of plus size clothing, meaning it’s more difficult to find fetish wear that fits well and is also flattering. My upbringing made me a bit too modest to strip down to nothing right off the bat. Combined, well, it’s an adventure.

If I’m attending a rope event that will mainly be practice, I’ll wear leggings, tights, or shorts and a dress or skirt over it, paired with a cami or tank top of some sort.

If I’m attending an event where I’ll want to do some S&m play, I’ll either wear some form of chemise or fancy nightgown, or a a lingerie cami that I have. I have way too many fancy nightgowns, you know, the lace and silk lingerie that women are encouraged to wear to bed. They can pass off as dresses usually, but sexier, hence their appeal. I’ll pair some nice panties, maybe tights, fishnets, or thigh highs depending on the time of year.

I have tried to buy more fetish-appropriate clothing in the past few months. I have a corset dress that I bought that’s especially kinky, although it’s difficult removal makes it harder for pain play. I have another corset shirt as well.

Of course, if I’m in private and I have the right type of relationship with someone, I’m ok going with just undergarments or nothing. There’s also one particular party I attend regularly where I’m comfortable enough to go down to skivies for a scene rather than go over my clothing.

There’s no special significance to anything I wear, other than trying to find something that is flattering, easy on/off, and relatively slutty (compared to my normal very demure clothing). I’d bought the corset because it is a type of restraint that appeals, and I bought the thigh highs and garters after learning a few people I play with really like them, but otherwise, no particular reasons.

Day 27, 30 Days of Kink

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Short answer, no.

Longer answer:

I’m not really the type of person who has a short set of discrete interests. Someone recently called me a polymath, which seemed like a flattering interpretation of my reality. Basically, I have a lot of interests and things that I enjoy doing. I have ADHD symptoms, and so I’ve gotten good at entertaining myself despite a relatively short attention span. I’d say the easiest go-to “hobbies” would be reading, writing (short stories, this blog, on occasion lyrics), watching tv, surfing the internet (I love researching new subjects and planning events/vacations), and spending time with people. I have full supplies and go through phases where I am more or less into making jewelry (beading, specifically), painting, photography, singing, and crocheting. I also love to dance and occasionally get into crazy fitness spurts. I enjoy cooking.

Most importantly, I enjoy spending time with friends and trying new things. When I have the option to hang out with people, no matter what it is that they’re doing, I’ll usually take it. I plan things so that I can have new experiences, whether it be a new movie or restaurant or whitewater rafting. When I’m not with other people, I either get really crafty or delve into a book or tv. I’m also one of those nutsy folks who can paint or read or write with music or the TV on…again, short attention span, lots of energy.

None of those things are kinky. My natural inclination to seek out new experiences and interesting people, well, that kind of overlaps with my general involvement in the kink community, but that’s as far as I’d say it goes. If anything, my interest and involvement in kink is more of a hobby than anything else I do regularly or semi-regularly.

Day 26, 30 Days of Kink

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

As with all of these things, my opinion has greatly changed over time. Like many, I began my journey in kink online. I was far too young to be even talking with people about such sexualized topics, and my innocence and naivete have biased my current opinion.

First off, I think it is very possible to create a deep emotional connection via the internet. Written word, audio files, and webcams enable communication and make it possible. If both parties are willing to dedicate time and they trust one another, something could be created there. That said, I think that it is far too easy to be deceived online, and thus I wouldn’t trust or recommend it for serious relationship development. There are three situations that I think online BDSM play works best for.

1) Online BDSM play as a prelude to a first meeting – maybe give it a month or less – sure. Online dating works, and online kink interactions can be the same. Exchange messages, feel one another out, then meet and see if you have a connection. Develop trust in real life. Then, if need be, you can maintain your relationship through continued online play.

2) Online BDSM play as a training/explorative tool, great. You can find someone to give you tasks, or discipline you into creating good habits, or to guide your own sexual exploration. The reason this works well is because really, you are depending and trusting yourself more than anyone else. The other person is serving as a sounding board and counselor as you figure out what works for you in terms of power exchange and kink. If you have lots of questions, it’s a way to get them answered. You have to be aware that the answers you’re getting are all relative and potentially biased, but you can get them online.

3) Online BDSM play is also great for wank fodder. You’re lonely and want to get off, online roleplay or kinky chat can really facilitate that.

As far as prolonged long-distance relationships that initiated via online communication and don’t involve meeting in person for months or years – I’m wary and I advise others to be cautious. I know from experience how easy it is to lie about your age. People lie about all sorts of things. They can send photos of other people, or that are years out of date. You have no idea what is real and what is not. It’s tempting to get involved in this type of play when you feel there are no other options – maybe you can’t share with a spouse, you’re living with family, etc. – but please, folks, resist or proceed with caution. Don’t meet people in private unless you’ve met them in public first. Chat on the phone before meeting at all. Get references.

Day 25, 30 Days of Kink

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

I’m more open than I ever thought I’d be, but definitely not as open as many folks I regularly hang out with.

For example, my parents and family are unaware of my kink involvement, and I prefer to keep it that way. My mother would likely be unsurprised to find out my proclivities, and I hate to say that I’m sure her and my father have experimented with some kinky shit in their time. My elder sister was at one point actively involved in kinky things in our hometown, and she’s aware I’m involved in stuff, but doesn’t know details other than that I bottom and go to parties. I have an open-minded, over-sharing family, but I am more modest than they are many times and it squicks me to think of them knowing details of my sex life, even if they wouldn’t disapprove.

Professionally, no one knows, and I pray to God it stays that way. I know people say it doesn’t matter, because if they see you, you see them and whatnot. I don’t buy that. It matters to me more than it may matter to other people that my kink stays out of my job. I don’t want to risk my professional future, and so sex and kink should stay separate from work as much as possible. Now, if I should happen to run into a coworker at a kinky event, depending on the person, it could be fine and even be a bonding experience, but again, if that never happens I’d be happy.

Personally, most of my close friends know some level of my involvement. My two ex-roommates and closest friends in DC know the largest amount of things, which is kind of ironic since one is very, very religious and conservative sexually. Even so, they listen well, give advice on my kinky dating, and one even attended some happy hours with me when I first got involved. My two closest high school friends and about 4 of my college friends know I’m kinky, some just knowing I go to kinky things, others knowing a bit more about what that entails. If someone is genuinely interested after I throw out the “I go to kinky happy hour” comment, then I answer their questions and trust them to go into more detail. There are a few grad school friends that know I attend stuff, but that’s the extent of their awareness.

Basically, once I told one person it got easier to bring it up. And really, I’m kind of a social coordinator amongst my friends, so when I was unavailable a lot due to my attending all these things, it got hard to explain. It’s easier when I can be honest about my time conflicts. It’s also much simpler to get advice about dating when I can get more into the complexities of kink. It’s never fully great, since my vanilla friends, despite their acceptance of me, are still very vanilla. I think only one person fully understands my interest enough to “get it.”

It’s still difficult for me to bring it up, especially with vanilla folks I’m dating (I need to work on that…), but I hate lying and would much rather have things in the open. As long as I’m sure things won’t threaten my professional life or ruin a friendship due to unnecessary over-sharing or judging, I’m comfortable being open about my kink with friends.

For a slightly different interpretation of this question, I’m pretty transparent about my kinks with my kinky friends and play partners. If people take the time to link to this blog and read my fetish list or about my fantasies, they are aware of most everything. I’m not that self-absorbed, though, and I realize most people don’t do that. In negotiations, I usually will talk about my interest in pain and in bondage, and leave it at that. When or if things progress and I have more trust and comfort with a play partner, I’ll approach my deep interest in teasing and denial, domination, and nipple torment. Those things are a bit too intimate for pick up play at clubs, at least to me, so I’m not as upfront/open about them as I would be with other interests.

Day 24, 30 Days of Kink

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

A lot of these things are going to overlap from other posts, but so be it.

First, honesty, humor, intelligence, and an adventuresome spirit are the most important things to me. I need to be able to trust you, laugh with you, debate and converse with you, and travel and try new things with you.

I also look for passion, whether it be about work, a hobby, politics, tv, whatever. Apathy is a huge turn off. I want to feel your enthusiasm and energy – to know you care deeply about things and are moved to pursue your passions wholeheartedly. I love learning about other peoples’ passions, and letting their passion enthuse me.

Another important quality I seek is politeness, or manners/etiquette in general. It’s important to me that my partner be able to behave in a variety of settings and interactions, and nothing is less attractive than someone who is rude to other people. (Kindness is generally underrated.) Adaptability kind of goes hand in hand with this.

On a different note, strength and decisiveness/dominance are also qualities I admire and look for in a partner. I like knowing I can count on my partner to plan something, handle emergencies, and generally take control. I am capable of taking control, and I run things and plan things quite well. That said, I need to be able to depend on my partner to keep shit together should I be unable to, or in situations where it would just be terribly exhausting for me to do so.

Kink and sex-wise, I look for people I’m attracted to, who tend towards the Top-ish side, and who are sadistic and into bondage, particularly rope bondage. I tend to be attracted to guys who are a bit nerdy, primarily engineering types. That said, I’ve been attracted to many men outside of that spectrum, it just depends on the person and our chemistry.

It seems like a lot to ask when listed out like this, but hey, it’s what matters to me.