Day 19, 30 Days of Kink

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

So, so many…

My self confidence has grown immensely. I’m more confident about my body – what it is capable of, what I enjoy sexually, that people find it attractive. I’m less hesitant around both new people of all types and men specifically. I’m able to flirt and tease, ask people to play, interact with strangers and create intimate spaces within minutes. This sense of self, feeling of confidence in who I am and what value that is, was something I seriously lacked prior to kink. Well, prior to the last two years, and kink was part of that (so was grad school, moving a few times, independence, etc.).

Moreover, I am much more accepting of other people, other cultures, other sexualities, and other paths in life. I have seen and experienced so many things I had no idea about before, and the increase in knowledge has only broadened my mind in positive ways.

I am much more flexible and forgiving of myself and those around me. I see more shades of grey in the black and white that our society puts forth. I know how to create situations that work for me instead of accepting what other people say has to be.

Lastly, I’ve met so many great people! Kink has been a great way for me to get connected to my community, both in Pittsburgh and DC. It has helped me make friends and have amazing experiences. Kinky people are the best! I love my ‘nilla friends, but kinky folks seem to be better able to balance work and play, which has been a nice change. They are supportive, open-minded, mostly non-judgmental, and overall the best and most unexpected part of kink.

1/31 – Bye Bye January

I got the job! Well, sort of. I have moved on to the next stage of processing, aka extensive paperwork hell for security and medical clearances. I don’t have a salary offer yet, nor have I signed (or been asked to sign) an acceptance letter yet. But, they offered me the position contingent on all this crap. Crazy! So, now I have to decide how dangerously I want to live. I never thought about working in Afghanistan before. That said, I always said that if I was in better shape I probably would have enlisted…this is my civilian way of serving my country. The danger scares me, and in some ways the job isn’t ideal – it’s a male dominated office, the office has a bit of a bad rep, some of the jobs on contracts could be dull. On the other hand, having a top secret clearance, experience working with contractors, int’l experience, and lots of training/prof. development opportunities is a great deal for a first job. I feel like in many ways, it isn’t somewhere I want to be long, but is a good place to be for a short while. I’m going to move ahead with paperwork , and see what happens in the meantime.

I heard officially that I can’t stay where I’m at past Feb 22 – that’s the FINAL line. I’m now refocusing on something to fill the last 9 weeks of the semester so that I don’t go crazy with boredom. Hopefully, I’ll find something that will be good experience.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close made me cry (as expected), but was a great movie. It definitely deserves the nomination for best picture.

The number of people registered for DO:WF has surpassed 1,000. I’m more than a little overwhelmed by this. Hopefully I will not be hiding in a corner the whole weekend.

In other news, I’ve basically realized I’m afraid to date a vanilla guy at all. This is why I say no to second dates and shy away from flirting sometimes. I think I could handle not doing kinky stuff in a relationship, at least for the short term and I’m willing to try it. Thing is, I cannot and will not lie about who I am, and some members of the kinky community are good friends now. I can’t pretend to have not gone to events or participated in activities. I don’t know how to explain the friends without getting into the activities. I don’t know how to explain the activities at all without seemingly like some sort of crazy deviant, sex addict, or moral-less slut. I know I’m not a slut, but for someone unfamiliar to kink, it sounds ridiculous.

How do I explain the level of experience (or inexperience, rather) I have sexually whilst still making sense of the number of times I’ve been in intimate situations with folks – ala less clothing, pain, etc. Kinky play evokes sensual reactions, even when there is no outright touching or sexual contact – so is it sexual experience? Is it something I mention? How do I explain my enjoyment of pain, or do I not say anything? How do I tell them about my erotic stories, which are all kinky, without explaining the rest of my kink? How do I have a relationship with someone without mentioning any of it? I wish vanilla guys of interest would just somehow magically figure it out and be the one to bring it up or go there.

Basically, I don’t know how to be myself with a vanilla person. I acknowledge that certain vanilla people are open minded and may be able to talk about it without being into doing it, but I’ve not mastered how to discern who those people are yet. If I could find out VGF’s level of acceptance and/or interest in kinky things, maybe I’d feel less afraid of the possibilities there. Part of the appeal of meeting someone through the kinky community or an Alpha/dominant “vanilla” guy is that they make the innuendo, they bring up the out-of-the-norm sex stuff, they make the moves.

So, back to the search for a kinky partner in the meantime. I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up the kinky community and the openness and exploration. On a lot of levels, it’s fun and I’m young so why not have fun? At the same time, it’d be great to have someone looking out for my best interests, to play with regularly, to get sexual with, and to go out with in vanilla ways sometimes.

1-22

I feel a little bit like I’m leading a double life lately. I mean, I kind of am, but it’s been a bit more real. I have to alternate which group of friends to hang out with, and I can’t divulge details about one to the other. It really became noticeable this weekend. A lot of my female vanilla friends keep encouraging me to get together with one of our male vanilla friends. It gets tricky because I do have some feelings for this guy, but he’s as vanilla as they come and he leans more s-type anyhow. I’m not to the point where I feel comfortable saying I can go without kink or without at least talking openly about it in a relationship, but nor am I at the point where I think it is a necessary thing either… I don’t know. I’m just not ready to risk a solid friendship, especially added to the fact that we are in classes and everything together too. I can’t explain the kinky reasoning or this dilemma to the friends pressuring me, so they don’t get why I’m not going for it. Seriously, it gets messy and I don’t have time for drama.

That aside, I’ve realized that I have issues with authority. I find this highly ironic given my intense attraction to authoritative figures. Thing is, I’m a skeptical person. I don’t just accept what I’m told – I question and figure out for myself whether or not to agree or accept things. I like to make up my own mind. Once someone has proven themselves knowledgable or essentially just gained my respect, I fully defer to their authority and I love having it there. I just don’t accept it as easily initially as most people. This translates into my BDSM interactions too. Basically, I’m not going to defer to someone who isn’t worthy of it or whom I can’t respect.

I keep warring between accepting and reveling in my masochism and kind of shying away and hiding it. It’s so complicated. I experienced my first cutting scene (which was horrifying and exhilarating), and I can’t wait to do it again. On some levels, I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how much pain I can endure and enjoy, and I’m excited that people want to hurt me. I want to show off my marks and play with pain. But then, at the same time, I’m worried I’m going to seem too extreme and scare off potential partners. I don’t want to be too extreme, or considered even freakier among the kinky community. I don’t know, my brain gets too confused about it sometimes. I don’t like being outside society’s norms, and I feel like my masochism pushes me even farther out than most of my kinky interests.

Random, but we have a 2 hour delay for work tomorrow. I’ll have to skip some lunches or something to make up for it if I want the money, but the extra sleep will be worth it. Since I start earlier than 9 normally, it’s even more sleep for me! I guess I’ll have to head out at 10:15am, which pretty much makes my day.

I was supposed to go dancing on Saturday night, and my friends flaked. I still got to hang out with some great people, but still it kind of was a kill joy. I realized that I don’t have people down for adventure around DC. My friends are fun and no matter what we do, I enjoy it. Occasionally, I can convince people here to do something random and different. Thing is, I’m used to at least having one person always down for a last minute road trip or dancing or snow tubing or something. I understand getting tired and introverted, or wanting there to be more people involved, but it’s nice to have one person who’s always up for it. I’m spoiled because last year I had that person, and this year she’s back in Pittsburgh. I need to figure out who that person here can be.