2/20 – Post DOWF

It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m  incredibly tired.

One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.

In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up.  It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.

Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.

Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).

In a collection of randoms…

  • I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
  • I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
  • The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
  • Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – http://www.minnalife.com/?gclid=COfmm5zpra4CFacQNAodxkzmQw. It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
  • My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.

Awkward Dating Experience

Bad, or at the very least confusing, day.

I went out with someone a few weeks ago. We had no problems conversing, and he’s a super nice guy. We had a few important and a few trivial things in common. Unfortunately, he’s also super vanilla and I didn’t really feel any particular spark. We tried to set up a second date, but after a few exchanges (and unfortunate timing of being in the middle of a really stressful week), I realized I just don’t have time. Or, rather, I didn’t feel a strong enough connection to make time. I sucked it up and wrote him an email “breaking up” with him because of where I’m at (and where it’ll be going in the next few weeks). He responded today, and apparently my email arrived concurrently with a family emergency. His response was so gracious, kindhearted, and nice and he reiterated his genuine interest…I feel horrid. Maybe I should have tried harder to make a second date work, to give chemistry time to develop, to see if maybe he was more openminded than I thought about kinky things… Ugh. We left it decently well, though, on the note that if things get less stressful and we’re both still around and single we could try again.

I hate confrontation, and I hate uncertainty. I care about people’s feelings, and it tears me up to hurt other people’s feelings. It also seems weird and sad to meet people who are great people and could be good friends but then to turn them down because of chemistry… I don’t want to be too picky, but I also don’t want to settle either. Why is it so complicated? Dating is hard.

I think this is why I’m going to focus a bit more on kinky events rather than specific dating, and see what happens naturally. I’ll be out of town for nearly all of December, and then my capstone project is going to start up full-swing, which will be debilitating on top of classes and work. I need to be job searching for spring and post-grad (which I’ve done a ton of today – I applied for 10 jobs, yay!). On many levels, I really don’t have time for dating or a relationship. But then, I had time this past weekend, I could make time here and there…

I was going to go to kinky happy hour tonight just to be social, but then I got overwhelmed by a paper, research assignment, job posting deadlines, etc. so decided to stay in. I’ve been productive (10! really!), but I missed going. Tomorrow I have plans to see my new family and friends from a few years back, and Thursday I have class, and Friday everything is due for school. Eeep!

I think I’m just PMS-ing, in part because my roommates didn’t check my room and thought I’d left so then they went out without me, I missed happy hour, I got this awesome email from the great guy I turned down, I’m missing my family a lot, and it just makes me sad. I need to pep it up! I hate being needy, but tonight is a night for hugs.

Self Awareness and Personal Growth

This weekend has been a whirlwind.

It started with rope and fun times, then went into a super-deep conversation with my roommate about self-acceptance and personal growth. I did laundry, had a great dinner, saw a really funny movie, and bought lots of magazines for super cheap. I had a massage, bonded with a friend, bought a beautiful painting for my mom, went to church for the first time in years, had dinner with some great new people, and had some very, very deep conversations about religion.

There are many things at play in my life and in my knowledge of myself.

I am very much a mix of melancholy and sanguine (http://armchair_academic.homestead.com/PersonalityComp.html). I like rules, structure, order, and pleasing others. I dislike social awkwardness. I’m attracted to traditional societal norms and roles for these reasons. I like preppy clothing and high etiquette. I am on a journey to figure out what exactly my faith means. I love a lot of myself, but I find it difficult to accept certain things that I know are unhealthy traits. I struggle with insecurity at times, primarily stemming from too much concentration on what other people think.

This is who I am, this is the reality of things that go through my mind. Feminist, traditionalist, impatient, stubborn, adventurous, pure, spiritual, kinky, sexual, trusting, skeptical, inquisitive, analytical, cheerful, accepting, unforgiving, adaptable, polite, friendly, loyal….these are all words that could be used to describe me, no matter how contradictory, pleasant, or unpleasant they may be.

I am continuing on my journey to discovering what makes me who I am and how I can confidently be who I am going forward.

Awkward, much?

I’m so awkward with men it’s ridiculous. I don’t know if it is obvious to them, or just in my head, but it drives me crazy because I am aware of it. I don’t know if it is a product of my shyness with new people and submissiveness, or something else. I am normally very socially adept. I make people laugh, have solid friends, can host fun events, network, etc. But, for some reason, when it’s with men – especially ones I know are kinky and Dominant – I fail. Even if I’m not interested romantically, I still get all awkwardish. I don’t know the right thing to say, the right way to act, what’s ok to infer, etc.

I do ok at it, in general, depending on the person and the situation. It isn’t like I’m off in a corner by myself, surrounding myself only with females. I have male friends, but again, in the kinky world it’s different. I enjoy the feeling of being flustered around Dominant men when it is intentional on their part, but when I can’t tell if it’s intentional the flustered-ness makes me uncertain.

Uncertainty and I aren’t all that familiar – for the most part, I’m a woman who knows her own mind. I like boundaries and I push until I find them, but once I have them I operate in a blissful world. Not knowing the boundaries can be fun at times, but is also hugely frustrating for me.

Anyhow, I’m working on it, getting better at it, and I understand it. It’s just a process I wish was faster.

In other news, I have a kind of ironic hesitancy to use the word please. As submissive as I am, I’m also stubborn and somewhat competitive (with myself more than anyone else), and so giving in isn’t always easy, even when I really want to. The irony is that being made to (or just tormented to the point of needing to) beg is a huge turn on, even though it is sooo difficult and embarrassing for me to do. Have to love paradoxes!

Sad Day

Not really, unless classes on Friday make it sad.

But, I can’t go to kinky happy hour tonight, which bums me out a bit. I really wanted to check out the bar it’s being held at, and it’s the last chance to mingle in a public, non-threatening setting before the play party next weekend.

I’m signed up for the play party, and I am supposed to be helping at the registration desk for a while. I *do* know people attending…like, out of 130, I know maybe 9 or 10. I don’t really know anyone very well, though, which makes it intimidating as hell. People are going to get naked and get kinky, and I’m not so sure how I fit into that. I wouldn’t mind playing, maybe, but I can’t see myself asking someone to do so. I really don’t want to just stand around and awkwardly watch the entire time, though.

It’s like a big kinky networking event or orientation meeting. I HATE walking in alone. It is the absolute worst part. I like having a security blanket person with me. When I have someone with me, I am funny, charming, and myself from moment 1. When I am alone, I am shy, nervous, and awkward until moment 25.

Ick. I need someone to go to this event with, rather than alone, but I don’t really even know how to go about that. I don’t want to cancel last minute – I paid money for this and I’ve committed to helping. But, I’m afraid and nervous. This is why I didn’t attend kinky events for so long, until I knew someone else who could come with.

I realize people aren’t scary, and are nice. Telling my inner psyche that, though, rarely works prior to an intimidating social situation.

 

*Edit*

I am now committed to the registration table. I have to get there at 6pm to be briefed on the rules, and then at 8:30 I help out. This will ensure my attendance, even if I’m awkward and shy the entire time.

Also, there is another non-threatening event this week I can go to before 4P! Kinky game night. Hopefully I can make that happen.

Nosy-ness

Everyone has moments of jealousy, possessiveness, curiosity, interest, fascination, lust, etc. Most people feel these emotions towards a specific person, sometimes more than once.

I’ve realized that for me, the curiosity reigns. I knew this before, but damn son, I’m a nosy bitch.

I want to know all about people. I want to know their love life, their interests, their passions, their triumphs and dismays, etc.  There are some people, obviously, who I don’t want to know all this about… but for the most part, I want to know as much as people are willing to tell me. People fascinate me. I love learning about them, learning who they are and learning from them. Its a type of deep pleasure for me.

Part of this is because when I know someone, I know if I can help them, if I can make them laugh, if I can please them or help them get ahead…but a large part is just a natural curiosity that I’ve never stifled. When I was younger, learning about others (and the world) took the attention off of me, which is still an added bonus.

Anyhow, I ask a lot of questions. I’m good at it. I can direct a conversation, even if unintentionally.

Basically, I was thinking about some people I know today. We played some drinking games the other day, and I loved learning about people’s sex lives and whatever they want to share. I’m just that nosy. I like facebook because I can see what’s going on with people, learn about them, etc. I love being back at school because there are tons of people to observe and question.

Don’t get me wrong, when I’m close with someone, I don’t just interrogate them. Sometimes if people want questions, I’ll ask them, but there’s a lot more to interaction and I get that. I just realized that how I deal with meeting new people is questions, and how over time that’s seeped into my very appreciation of social interactions. I’m just wired weird like that.