Fetlife Labels

Currently, my label on Fetlife reads “submissive.” I chose this label because a Dominant as a partner would be most likely to meet the majority of my needs. The reality, however, is that a variety of labels suit me depending on the time, place, and people involved. I don’t want a potential play partner or romantic interest to rule themselves out because of my label, hence this post. At the end of the day, I am who I am, and I could not care less about labels. Thing is, marketing is important in terms of addressing the right audiences. So, here goes.

Kink Labels, Roles, and Identities:

My primary role is submissive. You wouldn’t know it at first – I’m in no way the type to kneel down to everyone. I don’t call all Dominants “Sir” or “Ma’am.” I don’t submit during casual play. I’m very opinionated, independent, ambitious, energetic, and snarky. All that enthusiasm and passion goes towards pleasing my partner when I’m submitting to someone (with a side of humor), but it can be a bit intense at first. It takes someone with their shit together who is confident and unafraid of their own power for me to submit. I react strongly to powerful people. When I acknowledge someone’s authority over me, I surrender to it wholeheartedly. It’s just that because that level of vulnerability, intimacy, and devotion is such an intense thing, I don’t do so casually. I need to have a solid relationship foundation first. I’m currently seeking a Dominant man, preferably mostly monogamous, for a long term relationship. I’m not interested in full 24/7 D/s, but more of a bedroom-certain activities type of thing. I’m new to this, and have much room for growth.

My primary need is my masochism. I both love and hate this part of myself – I have a mixture of pride, shame, fear, lust, and excitement that all kind of go with it. At the end of the day, though, it’s an elemental part of who I am. Pain is a fantastic emotional release for me. It’s cathartic. When I’m stressed, pain forces me to be in the moment and relax enough to embrace it. With the right partner, pain is also pure pleasure for me. I can get off purely on pain sometimes. My biggest kinks relate back to my masochism (teasing and denial, nipple torture, covert bondage/teasing). I have a high pain tolerance, and I enjoy – need – to push those limits. It’s extremely difficult for me to find sadists to play with, which is frustrating. I need more than service tops pleasing me with pain; I need to know that the person administering the pain is getting off on giving it. I don’t want them to just hurt me until I cum – I want them to stop only if and when they want to, unless I safeword. I want my desire to please to be manipulated so I can take more. I want them to want me to suffer for them, and I want to endure for them. I’m seeking a Sadist who can push my limits to whom I’m sexually attracted and emotionally connected.

My primary fetish is rope bondage. I enjoy all bondage as a bottom (and am alway up for some time in chains/straps/cuffs), but rope is the big fetish. With rope, I switch. I enjoy tying and tying others. I enjoy rope for fun, for sex, or for restraint. I enjoy rope by itself – I’ll sleep with it sometimes. I enjoy the feel of it on my skin and the sensuality of it, the smell. I enjoy the possibilities, the stretching of muscles and testing of my flexibility. I like using it for leverage to grapple. I enjoy the options – you can be tied to anything! I love it, I get off on it, and I find peace in it. I’m always seeking more people to tie me up or to practice on, whether just for fun, for practice, or for a more elaborate scene.

My recreational kinky hobby is letting my inner sadist play. I like to play, to tease, and to have fun. I enjoy flogging others and sensory play. I like messing with knives, tickling, my nails, and wartenburg wheels. I like wrestling and winning, then taking advantage. I’m learning – I’m VERY new to topping – but I get a lot of giggly glee from messing with my friends. I have to really trust someone’s communicative abilities to do any of this, though. Most frequently, topping for me is a service thing or just for fun, I’m not into creating a really intense, fearful, surprising, creative scene…at least not right now. I’m not really seeking anything with this, but rather catch me in the right mood and I’ll give it a go.

My primary sexual identity is heteroflexible (code: mostly straight). There’s some flexibility there, but it’s selective. For the most part, I’m interested in forming romantic relationships with men, and I’m interested in sex with men. For kink, though, it’s a bit different. I’m only comfortable with above-the-waist sexual play with females, and I’m very new to it. It’s rare, but when I’m feeling it with someone I’m willing to go with it. I do enjoy scening with woman however, assuming a certain dynamic with them and mental connection. I find the tender, giggly sadism that woman tend to have very appealing.

Important Notes for Play:

  • I don’t do pick-up play well…I find the idea of being one of a long list of appointments in an evening very distasteful. I prefer to play with friends, and make arrangements to play with them. I make exceptions if there’s a strong initial attraction, if I’m experimenting with something new with an expert, if I’m demo-ing, or if we have mutual friends who really recommend it. It comes down to attitude; when I “scene” with someone (not random experimentation, but an actual scene), I focus 100% on them, and I want the same in return. I don’t want to hear about other play dates scheduled and I don’t want to feel rushed. I want interruptions minimal and ignored as much as possible. I need to trust my partner, be comfortable with them, and not feel overly awkward (nerves are ok). I need to have a strong mental connection and some form of attraction, whether it be physical, intellectual, or something else. Point of this tangent – if you ask to play, I may put you off because of the above. It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not interested, but it may be too soon, the mood might not be right, or I may just not be comfortable with the particular location.
  • Added to that, I don’t do sex in public, and I don’t do scenes where my sexual pleasure is the focus unless we are regular play partners. There are certain private play parties where this may vary, but that’s the exception not the rule. Don’t pull out vibrators for a scene in public – let me suggest them if I want them. Sexual touching without discussing it first makes me uncomfortable. Scening does not mean I’ve given you permission to mess with my nipples or genitals.
  • Lastly, public humiliation and degradation aren’t my kinks. I like teasing and being flustered, I don’t like being made to feel worthless. I don’t like being condescended to. Face slapping, feet stepping on my face, crawling, bizarre/attention-drawing toys, writing on me, name-calling (other than ‘slut for me’ or ‘my slut’) – all are no. In a relationship, in private, they aren’t necessarily limits…but otherwise, no. It’s safer to ask before doing anything along these lines.

A Missing Element

I always talk about how it’s so close to impossible for me to submit to someone, how rare it is, and how I bottom because of those things. I’ve been exploring this concept in my head a lot recently.

Over the last year or so, I’ve delved into kink quite a bit. I bottom for scenes, and have been enjoying experimenting with all sorts of new things. I like playing, and I like most of toys in some fashion. I realized a few weeks ago that despite that, I’ve still left most of my biggest kinks unexplored.

I love bondage and pain in all forms, but in my most recurring fantasies it’s teasing and denial, begging, nipple torture, and discreet bondage or play in public that take center stage. Bondage and pain play roles in all those fantasies, but it’s these other things – things that focus on power exchange, vulnerability, intimacy, control, etc. that appeal to me. All these things that I masturbate about, write erotica about, but at the end of the day, I don’t do.

When I realized that, I started wondering why not, and it’s because to me they are things to be done within a relationship because of the trust involved. They also involve my submitting to someone, not just bottoming for them. So, what does it take for me to submit to someone? That’s the question.

For me, submission isn’t something I take lightly. I don’t fake reactions or emotions, and I’m terrible at acting. Role-playing submission doesn’t work well for me. If I’m submitting to you, not just letting you play within a set of negotiated limits – if I’m letting you into my head – it’s a different can of worms.

First off, I’m very proud, stubborn, and independent. I am terrible at asking for help and admitting weakness. I have issues with inferiority, and I don’t like others to see me as anything other than strong, focused, and in control of my shit. Submitting is letting someone not only see me when I’m vulnerable, it’s letting them create the vulnerability. I like submitting because it allows me to trust someone, be at my most vulnerable, not worry and stress about being in charge all the time, and relax. That said, I’m used to people seeing me vulnerable and taking advantage in negative ways, and I’ve spent my life training my mind to avoid mental and emotional pain by avoiding vulnerability. As a result, submitting is the thing I crave most sometimes, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to let people in.

Second, I’m good at organizing things, planning, logistics, and leading. I do so in my vanilla life, and I do so quite well. I’m decently intelligent and successful. If I’m going to submit to you, I have to trust that you can do all these things, and do them as well or better than I can. I rarely encounter people that can do that who are also single and kinky, let alone who I also am attracted to/share ‘nilla interests with.

Third, I have a very, very active sense of humor. It’s not just one kind – I laugh at sarcastic comments, crude jokes, lame jokes…really it’s all good. I will kid around and make snarky comments as much as possible…so kill me, I like having fun. This tends to throw people off or annoy the Domly Dom types. Apparently, it makes me bratty. I’m fine being put in my place for it if it’s done with good spirit and humor in response, but I can’t really shut it off.

Lastly, I’m the type of person who will push until someone pushes back. I used to joke in school that I did the least amount possible to get the highest grade possible. If I could get away without doing my homework for a week, I would. If it means a low score or failing a test, I’ll change my behavior. This means yes, I could have done better, but it allowed me to also have a life and I still did well enough to achieve my goals. It’s sort of the same with submitting. If I can get away with being bossy or snarky, fighting back, etc., I will. If I am put in my place or hit a boundary that is a clear boundary (not a humor thing, but actual one), I will not do it again. Most people will kid back or take me at face value – rarely do people step up and establish boundaries.

All that aside, pleasing my partner is incredibly important to me. I like service when it’s self motivated – I enjoy cleaning and if I know it pleases my partner, I’m likely to volunteer to do it; command me to do it and I’ll be annoyed. I work better by being told how to please my partner and then being given the opportunity to do so, less so with direct orders unless in the bedroom. Protocols tend to make me feel stressed or bogged down unless they are simple or natural. Titles seem cheesy to me unless I genuinely feel your power in my blood. I respond best to quiet authority.  Gentle assumptions of control over time that are seamless within our interactions work best for things outside of a scene; during a scene, I’m all for force, struggling, etc.

So I don’t label myself as submissive, because it seems so difficult for me to find. I bottom. I switch, sometimes. I can find happiness without ongoing power exchange, as long as there’s some kink present. I can allow the surrender of pain and bondage suffice, and not really notice a difference. I also could very likely find happiness as someone’s submissive, with much greater levels of mindfucking, and all the predicaments and vulnerability that may go with that…I just haven’t found the right person to explore it with. My experiments with D/s thus far — online interaction for a year with one person, being formally “taught” by someone for a few months (real life thing but long distance excepting a weekend), dating for a few months but casually and poly, dating someone into high protocol that scared me out of D/s altogether for a while — none of those situations allowed me to deeply delve into this realm.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 (It begins…)

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

That’s a helluva loaded question. I’ve been blogging for over a year and a half trying to figure out the answer to this question, and I’m still a little stumped. I know how I would’ve answered this when I first started out in kink, but nowadays it’s a bit more complex. Anyhow, enough walking around the issue. Continue reading

July 18th

Flatwater tubing = amazing fun. Whitewater tubing = extremely challenging. Shenandoah River Gorges = beautiful.

Sidenote: I strongly dislike it when people I don’t know very well say definitive things about what I am feeling. How do they know? Don’t put words in my mouth.

If you hadn’t guessed, I’m more than a little stubborn. It takes a strong hand to get my submission rather than just my snarky bottoming self. Part of me balks against the idea and reality of people telling me what to do. When a man does so in a certain way, though, and I trust him completely, I want to please him more than I want to continue to be obstinate/stubborn. It’s a fine line.

Random fact: air poppers are man’s best friend.

I don’t have a catchy title

Last night was a whole host of interesting. Yesterday on the whole was, really.

First I got to work on my campaign finance paper. I may have mentioned one guy in our group is an expert on the topic, so I’ve been more than a little intimidated to work on the paper. He very much supports the Act, and I wasn’t as confident in it. Well, I was able to prove him wrong about some of the language in the bill, and I held my own debating it, and got im to concede. It pretty much made my day. That, and I forgot how much fun it is to be intellectually challenged when  I’ve researched the topic at hand. It almost (almost!) makes me miss mock trial.

Then, I found an apartment for next year that will cost only $2000 for 3 people – in DC! With free parking, 2 blocks to metro, and all utilities included. I pray to God that the place is as nice as it seems when we see it next week.

After that, I headed over to Macys to try to pick up another suit of some sort. Turns out, they’re having a massive sale, and this Macys was giant! I was able to get a suit, a career dress, a winter jacket, and a button down all for only $150. The coat alone is normally $280. Getting a bargain always cheers me up.

I moved on to the kinky meetup thing in my area, and got to meet a bunch of new people. I got to talk energy policy with an energy trader (always fun for me, again back to discussing things I know a lot about). I got a few good book recommendations. I got to be more myself around kinky people, which is always a challenge for me. For some reason, when I’m around people that know I’m submissive, I get way quieter/shier than I normally do. It’s like my brain thinks it’s ok to revert to that, whereas I push past it in my normal interactions out of necessity.

A few of us moved on to someone’s house for an “afterparty,” which ended up being super fun.  I got to be tied up quite a bit, and flogged. It’s kind of funny, though – I’ve never been just flogged. I’ve experienced it two times now, and both times my reactions to the pain weren’t quite enough so the Top has brought out more evil toys. I think a large part of it is that flogging over clothing is not as intense. Either way, I again freaked myself out by how much I generally get off on pain. I really need to get over that uneasiness.

I was in a super good subspacey place, then we started to play this game of sorts, and I kind of freaked out. I don’t know why, but I got sort of confused and embarrassed all at the same time. I think it was that I was afraid of saying the wrong thing with people watching me, combined with drawing even more attention to myself and being forced to come “back to reality” to think about things when I’d been on the verge of subspace. Either way, I feel really bad that I had such a strange reaction. Logically, I realize that the whole thing was a game, and done in good humor, and the people there weren’t judging or anything. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the logic to communicate to my submissive self. I also got to try a tens unit out, which was fascinating. It’s just so bizarre how you can’t control your muscles.

Now I’m in that happy submissive place I get into, and I need to push past it. I have to take an exam, study for an exam, take another exam, add to a paper, pack, print off a bunch of stuff (including resumes!),  turn in timecards late, and hopefully have some time to do laundry, all before I leave mid-afternoon tomorrow. Eep!

Pain, revisited

I’m a masochist.

There, I said it. (Clearly, this is not easy for me to do.)

I get off on receiving pain. I am turned on by the sadistic, evil gleam in your eye that tells me you are going to be relentless. I like knowing you have the power to torment me. When you’re rough with me, I feel more desired, more cherished, more wanted.

I can take a lot of pain and I don’t mark easily. I like being challenged, and I like seeing how much I can take before having to call uncle. I often take pain quietly, especially in public spaces.  Pain has always been a way for me to express myself in that moment, though I never caused any type of damage to myself. Even more, pain has been a way to focus myself.

I’ve enjoyed all of my kinky and/or sexual experiences with pain. I mean, it hurts, don’t get me wrong, but a second or two later, and I am enjoying a crazy endorphin rush – from both the act of surrender, the clear display of control, the evilness of it, and the endorphins from the pain itself.

…And yet, I’m scared of being a masochist. Mainly, I’m afraid that by saying I’m a masochist, my partner will feel like I want more pain than really do. I’m afraid it gives a man permission to hurt me, even if I don’t want him to. I’m afraid it will go too far, it will be too dangerous, or if I stop enjoying it or don’t enjoy it than I will be disappointing my partner. I’m worried about being the freakiest of the freaky people. I don’t want to like, I don’t want to enjoy it or desire it happening.

I don’t know how much I *need* pain. I am afraid that being a masochist means I won’t be able to be in a relationship without pain involved.

I’m not certain about any of this. I’m not positive about my reactions to all types of pain, or different levels of it, or it in different situations. I am learning, I am exploring. I only hope that as my exploration continues, I learn more about myself and my limits. If I was more positive on what I could handle, and I was able to vocalize it better, I think I’d be more confident saying I’m a masochist. I have to be more careful about who I trust to hurt me or restrain me. I have to be very prudent and safe.

Whatever else, this is a step forward for me. I’m a masochist, and it isn’t the end of the world.