Confidence

My dark chocolate today said ‘it’s OK to be fabulous AND flawed.’ The irony being I flawed in eating the chocolate…

I’ve been doing relatively well on my nutrition and fitness habit-building, except for when I have visitors in town. I got really excited about some food-tourism stuff with my dad, namely liquid nitrogen ice cream and a gourmet rice krispy treat store. I also didn’t make it a point to delay our plans for me to work out. As a result, I’m not feeling super great about my weekend in terms of my plan, although it definitely was fun and great to spend time with my dad.

I’m struggling a lot with my mom, too. It was really hard to have my dad in town and not her. I’m so used to planning around things she’ll enjoy. I’m used to shopping, and as materialistic as it is, it’s sad not to have someone to buy me things anymore. My mom was the one to send me money sometimes, or if she knew I was looking at a sweater or dress but couldn’t afford it she’d buy it and send it to me without me ever asking, or she’d suggest or proactively get me some of the necessities – toiletries, haircut, bras, etc. – when I was in town or the same place as her. My dad doesn’t proactively spend money on me, it’s a request, must be a necessity, and even then is rare. It’s an adjustment, and buying those random things reminds me of the loss. Sometimes I’ll get excited to tell her about something before I remember I can’t. I want to ask her for advice or get reassurance before a new thing, and I can’t. I was so nervous about meeting my boyfriend’s mom, and I wanted nothing more than to talk to my mom about it, but I couldn’t.

It’s hard, too, because I can’t really fill in the reassurance/validity gap. I get that in an ideal world, I’d be so majestically self-assured that I wouldn’t need anyone to reassure me or validate me. My nerves or anxiety are usually based around other people’s thoughts, opinions, or reactions, and at the end of the day, my thoughts, opinions, and reactions are the only ones that should truly matter. I generally know how I feel – I’m that self aware – but I do still like to get others’ opinions to inform my decision, and it makes me happy to please those around me. Does that make me insecure? Maybe. Generally, though, I got that validation from my mom, and that was enough to keep me from seeking it out elsewhere. Now, when trying to seek it out elsewhere, I’m getting comments about how it seems insecure to need that type of reassurance or validation, and those comments are right, which sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I do generally like myself. I’m happy with my strengths and personality, and I am thrilled with where I am in life. I don’t mean that sarcastically – for real, financially, professionally, romance and friend-wise, etc. – it’s all amazing. Currently, I’m unhappy about the loss of my mother, and I’m unhappy about my weaknesses. I’m always unhappy about my weaknesses and trying to improve on them, it’s a constant struggle, but lately other people have commented on some of them. With the loss of my mom’s cheerleading, having these things commented on is like a sucker punch to my confidence.

Basically, I need to work on improving my self confidence. I think generally working on my fitness and nutrition help with that, as it gives me a ‘proud of myself’ cookie. Moreover, I need to find ways to accept that in life, there’s no ‘right’ way to do something, I’m never going to be doing something right or wrong or good or bad. I can’t seek out guidelines by seeing what pleases people around me or what fits into society’s norm. My metrics have always been the following, and I need to refocus on that:

  • whether something would make me happy,
  • if I’d regret not doing it,
  • if I feel happy with how much energy I put into something, and
  • if it will improve my life more than take away from it.

Some handy advice to keep in mind or try soon (from lovely various internet sources):

  • Get crystal clear on the things that truly matter to you.  If they’re not in your life, you need to bring them in.
  • Write a list of the things you’re tolerating and putting up with in your life, then write down how you can remove, minimize or diminish each one.
  • Take a few minutes each day or just each Sunday (or any day that fits you) to use a journal to write down how you have grown, how much closer you are to your goals now, what you have overcome and learned and so on.

The last one, in particular, I think may be a good exercise to add on to my gratitude journal. Instead of just saying the great things in my life, focusing on something – just one thing – that I’ve improved or done well or learned can shift that a bit to be more introspective.

In the meantime, revisiting strengths and weaknesses will be helpful in me identifying which strengths to use to overcome weaknesses.

Strengths:

  • Loyal
  • Give good, unbiased, logical advice
  • planning/logistics
  • organizational skills
  • connecting people
  • seeing the positive in things/easily amused
  • diverse interests…musical theater, books, writing, reality tv, board games, stand up comedy shows, outdoorsy adventures, classes, food/restaurants, travel, movies
  • leadership
  • my job – synthesizing lots of information, research, data analysis,  writing, questioning people/data procurement
  • research
  • my passion…for public service, my family/friends
  • enthusiasm/energy level

Weaknesses:

  • Stubborn
  • Impatient
  • care too much about what others think
  • over-commit myself
  • don’t always communicate my needs effectively with others
  • don’t always properly prioritize my own health/fitness

I had a rough day thinking about all this, but ended it well. My lovely boyfriend talked me through things, and was really understanding about my needing certain types of validation/positive reinforcement for a while. He also emphasized that it isn’t weak to ask for compassion and encouragement from my friends, that actually it’s totally natural since we all deserve love and compassion. It kinda drilled home that I can ask others for those things I don’t think I’m getting directly, and maybe they won’t think less of me for it, maybe it’s just that they don’t 1) realize I need things or 2) know what to do that could be helpful.

Back to Basics: Kinky

I went to the introductory kink night at our local dungeon this weekend. Originally I intended to take a newbie friend, but I ended up going because a man I met some time ago was hoping for a familiar face. I wasn’t sure what to expect for a few reasons: 1) I’m not a newbie, and I don’t need beginner lessons anymore, 2) I hadn’t been to the club in several months, and 3) I had no idea what dynamic was going to play out with the person I went with.

Overall, it was a good night. It was nice sort of watching and taking in all the kink stuff again. As per usual, I learned a few things that merited introspection.

First, I’m a know it all. I hate it about myself. I noticed it last night, and now I can’t stop noticing it. When I understand something, I take great joy in getting to share that knowledge. When someone asks me a question, it opens the door for all this (sometimes unwanted or unwarranted  information sharing. Basically, I need to watch carefully to make sure I don’t volunteer too much information, and I don’t give my opinion unless asked.

Second, I’m weird with naked people. I’ve known this, in that I’m much more modest than most, but I figured it out a bit. I don’t mind nudity at all if it’s with a lover or all that much if it’s a friend I know very, very well.  If it’s a stranger, I’m a tad discomforted, but it isn’t a big deal. Now, if it’s someone I’ve only met once or twice but anticipate hanging out with or seeing somewhat frequently, it totally freaks me out to see them naked. This came up in a conversation with a new contact from CollarMe recently too – I don’t like nude/dick photos or phone sex until after I’ve met someone in person, preferably not until we’ve done sexy things in person that merit me seeing them. It’s way too awkward for me otherwise.

Third, I need to boost my confidence. People want to play with me, and people find me and my reactions beautiful. Not everyone will, but those who disagree with that shouldn’t be who I judge myself on. The cane demo Top last night was very enthusiastic about me, telling me I’m beautiful and my reactions merit being in porn. I’ve had multiple partners reiterate how gorgeous I am when I climax…so I need to embrace that.

Lastly, I love impact play. I reallly, really, really love spanking and paddles. There’s just something so unbelievably hot about it, especially when paired with bondage. I got a few gentler spanks last night, and all it did was tease. I want more, harder. It sucks too, because I’m all submissive and shit and I hate asking people things. I would have totally gone for a much harder spanking with the person I went with last night, but I had no clue if that’s something he would have been game for, and I wasn’t going to ask.

No Hiding Allowed

I’ve noticed a nervous habit of mine that has been driving me crazy as of late. First off, when I was training for some major scholarship interviews in college, I learned I have the habit of raising my voice at the end of statements. This generally would occur when I wasn’t 100% certain of what I was saying. Similarly, when posed a question that I wasn’t 100% sure of, I would sometimes say “I don’t know,” but then proceed to answer the question. Once, a mock interviewer compared me to Sarah Palin because of that habit. I no longer have those problems in the professional world – trust me, there’s nothing like comparing you to a mocked public official to shake you of a habit.

While I don’t always have those tells, I’m still less than terrific about being persuasive when I’m not 100% sure of my argument. If I’ve done the proper research and analysis, then I’m confident that I can withstand any argument (legal training for the win). If I haven’t done the research, while I may know more about a subject than those debating it, I don’t know enough to stand up to my own standard, so I get uncertain and self-doubting. It’s a very female problem, and it’s obnoxious. I’m working on acknowledging my own expertise (and I have been for quite some time), and I’m excited to read the book On Being Certain: Believing You Are Right Even When You’re Not by Robert Burton.

So while I’ve noticed, acknowledged, and been working on improving my tells regarding certainty in those realms, I haven’t really done a lot with it in the dating world. In my defense, it’s rare that a guy makes me nervous enough to fall into those habits. It may sound heartless, but while I date a lot of men, my level of interest is usually only moderate. I might get nervous about being awkward on a date, but I don’t get that “squee” feeling frequently. Notably, when I date people who are Dominant in nature – from date 1 – the problem is more noticeable  Essentially, the rules surrounding dating are altered, I’m less familiar with that type of dynamic, and as a result I’m uncertain. Part of the D/s dynamic involves keeping the submissive a bit out of her element, nervous, anticipatory, etc., and having less power – not having control – pushes me out of my comfort zone. I like it, but I fall into these stupid traits.

Basically, when someone asks me a question about feelings or thoughts, I may say “I don’t know.” I generally do this whenever I’m uncertain or doubtful of a response to something I’d say. It sort of gives me an out for whatever I say. By saying I don’t know, it looks like I’m just sort of pulling something together, so I’m asking someone to take it as a less certain truth. This goes against so much of what I believe, though, and I piss myself off when I do it. I’m all about owning your emotions and statements. If I have an answer, than I DO know. I’m saying it, so people should take it however they want, and saying I don’t know is a cop out. It’s an excuse and a placation, and it is me hiding.

I want a relationship where I’m not allowed to hide. I want my partner to force me to answer the difficult questions…I actually want him to enjoy my discomfort. (There’s a great line in an erotic story I read recently that captures this dynamic: see here, in the fifth section.) I want my partner to make me awkward, uncertain, flustered, and visibly enjoy that slight humiliation. I want him to either make it clear he enjoys my emotional predicament, or to command/sooth the awkward away, but it’d be delightful for it to be intentionally exploited.  When I get strangely uncertain and nervous, and I have these tells, it’s a prime opportunity for a partner to dominate me, should he share my interest in power exchange. It’s in these sorts of ways  that the power dynamic can be established gradually over the course of time, in unassuming ways.

8/8 Quit Playing Games With My Heart

Yes, I just quoted a Backstreet Boys song…deal with it.

Game playing in the romantic world has come up more than once in my life lately, and it kind of took me by surprise. In the universe’s (The Universe has a twitter, btw) typical fashion, it even showed up in my webcomics – see today’s Questionable Content post.

I guess on some level, you could say that all the so-called rules we follow in the dating world are playing games, because they aren’t us acting entirely on intuition. By this I mean things like waiting a few days to call someone after getting their number, not texting back immediately, not always being available during the initial time you’re asked out for, texting the morning after if you had a good time, etc. In my (potentially naïve) view, though, playing games has always been a negative thing, and has always been something that people do intentionally. It’s playing hard to get or acting uninterested in order to attract someone.

I have hidden my interest in men before, but usually because I was afraid of rejection and I wanted to judge their interest first. I realize now that is the same thing as playing a game because it isn’t being direct and forthright with your feelings. I’ve also come to realize that sometimes games aren’t all negative, but are natural. I didn’t intentionally think to play hard to get. I don’t lead people on or tease them on purpose. If I’ve ever done so, it’s been a measure of my own uncertainty or insecurity in that particular situation.

I’ve basically been a bit of a hypocrite. I make a big deal about owning how you feel and being honest, but when it comes down to it, I’m not that blunt. When asked for an opinion or asked how I feel, I will be unfailingly honest. I may even overshare and give way too much information. That said, I tend to not volunteer information. In the past, in all situations – with friends, family, romantic partners – volunteering emotional information has more often than not ended very poorly. It’s a trust thing. If someone has asked something, I trust they care about the answer and I am ok making myself vulnerable because they did so by asking. It’s rare for me to trust others enough to become vulnerable with them on my own initiative, and that is where I’ve been “playing games.”

I don’t know if how I act is really game playing, I just know that I need to be more direct. I’ve known this for a while, but I’m still working on acting on it. I’ve gotten better recently in a series of interactions in the kinky and vanilla world, in terms of play and dating, but I still have a ways to go. I was taken aback a bit this weekend, though, when someone suggested that I was playing games, when in my mind, I was just uncertain of his interest and of how far I was willing to go with him. I didn’t intend to give mixed messages, and I cleared it up right away. On a similar note, when playing a game that asked “what would make an unattractive person appealing,” one thing brought up was directness about sexual interest. I don’t think I’d fit in the unattractive persons group, but it’s interesting to hear from others how directness is admired rather than seen as off-putting.

Now to go on building myself up and forcing myself to be more direct. Putting my money where my mouth is can be hard.

3/4

My capstone project has been the bane of my existence Friday and today. Group projects never really go smoothly all the time, but this one has been painful lately. Namely, I tried to raise a point that my other group members just dismissed, then today one of our advisors raised my exact point and now we’re switching paths.  It’s frustrating because it seems like people really have no faith that my concerns are legitimate and not just pulled out of my ass.

I do think, however, that I bring doubt on myself because of a lack of confidence in my own knowledge. I made my point clearly and repeatedly, and it was a logical argument (and apparently a correct one), but I was willing to back down from it. I didn’t trust that I was right and agreed that I could be wrong, whereas another more vocal member was more assertive and confident in his thought (even though he turned out to be off course). I think my own slight uncertainty encouraged the other members to dismiss my perspective.

This is a common female issue — women apologizing before asking a question or stating an opinion, or wrongful inflection making should-be statements into questions, etc. — but I need to get over it before I enter the professional world full time. This was an issue during important mock-interviews in undergrad, was raised again in speech class, and yet I still do it. I’m so afraid of appearing overconfident or being wrong that I lead others into not trusting my opinion. This is really not a good thing.

On the other hand, when I’m 100% sure of something, I can almost always convince others to go along with me. When I believe in something, I can pull out countless arguments and my passion alone tends to convince people. I just can’t claim that certainty when I don’t know that I have it; I’d need to go do all the research, line up all the evidence, and have rebuttals to counter-arguments first. This isn’t helpful during spur-of-the-moment debates or discussions, or when I have more knowledge than those around me even if I’m not an expert, as was the case here. I need to learn to accept that even though I may not be an expert in the subject, if my subject matter expertise is higher relative to those in the discussion, then I’m allowed to be “fully certain” when making my case.

I was reading up on this, and found this to be especially relevant and interesting:

Why it that some people, the Donald Trumps of the world, seem to believe only the best about themselves, while others—perhaps especially women, perhaps especially young women—seize on the most self-critical thoughts they can come up with? “It turns out there’s an area of your brain that’s assigned the task of negative thinking,” says Louann Brizendine, MD, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and the author of The Female Brain. “It’s judgmental. It says ‘I’m too fat’ or ‘I’m too old.’ It’s a barometer of every social interaction you have. It goes on red alert when the feedback you’re getting from other people isn’t going well.” This worrywart part of the brain is the anterior cingulate cortex. In women, it’s actually larger and more influential, as is the brain circuitry for observing emotions in others. “The reason we think females have more emotional sensitivity,” says Brizendine, “is that we’ve been built to be immediately responsive to the needs of a nonverbal infant. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Why-Women-Have-Low-Self-Esteem-How-to-Feel-More-Confident#ixzz1oCxJTVMY

So, at least I’ll probably be a really good mom?

Other randoms:

  • My paper on nuclear reprocessing has reawakened my interest in international energy security and nonproliferation. I actually applied to grad school based on my interest in that topic, but chose to pursue a skills-based program instead of a research-centric one. I ended up stumbling into homeland security as a subject area, but I do still find energy security fascinating. I love reading up on it and talking about it, imaging a world with different policy decisions and altered political environments.
  • Dirty Things ranks as my second-favorite DC-area event, second only to Rapture (which is only first at this point because of my friendships with the people there). I had a fantastic time this weekend going to Baltimore for the event.  I really can’t imagine ever getting sick of rope, both watching and participating in play with it.*
  • I realized that while I see the world in a variety of gray – when presented with options, I always end up with some combination of the alternatives – when it comes to my participation in things I’m either all or nothing. I am fully engaged, or not engaged at all. I understand something or I don’t. I don’t do things halfway at all, even though I’m one of the biggest advocates for compromise and middle paths. Odd realization.

*It’s been a while since I’ve clarified on that, but whenever I talk about how much I love playing with rope, it’s really all contingent on who I’m playing with. Yes, playing with rope by itself can be fun (that’s why I own some), but there are certainly different levels of enjoyment depending on if it’s for practice, the connection I have with the other people involved, the surrounding environment, etc. and there are times when it isn’t enjoyable at all if one of those things is really off. I love rope and I’ll demo in a public learning environment for whoever needs a bottom, but real actual enjoyment (of the sensual sort or the relaxation sort) comes more from the “something more” that isn’t found with all and sundry.

Randoms, 1-24 (Pot, Religion, Family, et al.)

1) Legalization of Marijuana

I’ve been working on a project for a class/government agency on public opinion of marijuana since 1970. My personal responsibility has been to become an expert on past laws/propositions in the marijuana world. We are going to use this data to chart public opinion, and to get an idea of where trends are going in certain states.

I knew about prop 19 before this class, but I didn’t realize how far medical marijuana had progressed. 15 states and DC have medical usage laws in place, and in 2010 another 18 had laws on the ballot/in the legislature. Certain states, like Maryland, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, and Minnesota are only a year or two away from passage. Personally, I’m not against this, but I didn’t realize as a country how far we’d progressed.

Technically, within federal and international laws, medical marijuana is illegal. I doubt the federal government will enforce that superiority law, but it puts an interesting perspective on things. Another interesting point I’ve learned is that the wording of Prop 19 in CA actually made it illegal for a workplace to discriminate against a drug user, even while federal policy made it a legal requirement to have a drug free policy. Also, under federal law, any money made from illegal activity (such as taxing legalized marijuana) can be seized at any time by the federal government. Those discrepancies make the failure of the proposition much more comprehensible.

Another interesting point is that of 50 states and DC, 46 have had SOME type of MJ law – decriminalization, medical, legalization, therapeutic research, etc. Indiana (my home state) is off the list, as are Utah, Kentucky, North Dakota, and Idaho. I knew my state was conservative, but I didn’t realize we were among the same ranks as Utah and Idaho.

2) Bible Belt

This kind of goes with my next interesting point. I overheard some international students on the shuttle today discussing religion in the US. One made the point that every time he visits the US, he discovers a new religion. They were jokingly going through a listing of local churches. In my hometown, the city is literally called the City of Churches. Within 5 miles of my house, there are two evangelical christian mega-churches, a catholic church, a lutheran church, baptist, episcopalian, three churches of God/united Church of Christ, and I think a presbyterian. If you go another 2-3 miles, there will be a dozen more. That’s a LOT of religion.

People ignore Indiana. They disregard it. No-one understood why I was SO amazed when the state voted democrat in 2008. I mean, we are one of the 4 most conservative states in the nation. We’re more bible belt than some southern states. We do have a lot of factory workers, rural employees, and labor union type of folk, and we *are* right next to IL, so Obama makes some sense. But, IN is also traditionally one of the most racist states. Muncie, IN was used as Middletown America in a variety of national studies to represent small-town america. I have a new sense of appreciation for my hometown.

3) I’m questioning Big City living.

I keep thinking about leaving Pittsburgh in May (or August, whenever it happens to be). I don’t know how I feel about it. I really am passionate about public policy and public service. I want to work in energy policy. I love it, it keeps me on my toes. I want to be in the center of it all, and the best place to be is Washington, DC. But, when it comes down to it, I want more out of my life than a career. And yes, if it’s a career in public service than it is making a difference, but I want a family and a home life too. I just don’t know if I’ll find that in DC.

I’m not from a “small” town. My town has 250,000 people, and my high school had 2,000. I went to college with people from high schools of 200. In Indiana, my town is the second largest. When I visit larger places, however, I realize that even though my city was big by IN standards, it is very small compared to the Eastern Seaboard cities.  I’m all about an informed public and being around people like that, but I also value midwestern morals and manners.

I’m a nice girl. I smile at people, I talk to people. I reserve judgement, and try to be nice to everyone I meet. I can find joy in simple pleasures. I like open space and nature. I don’t mind discussing corn, or spending a weekend just hanging out by a lake. I enjoy long drives to get places. Don’t get me wrong – I love the culture, museums, art, music, sport, and educational benefits of a large city. I just don’t know that I want to live in one…definitely not long term. I want to be near enough to one to take advantage of the nighttime and weekend activities, but I want my suburban/semi-rural living.

As much as I’m a “career-woman,” I’d also be a great soccer mom. I’m not ready for kids just yet, as I don’t feel I’ve lived enough yet (plus I’m not patient enough or settled enough), but I want them someday. I want a house, a husband. I don’t want to have to give up my job, though. I know in government, they’re cooperative. And, in theory, if I get the right federal appointment, I could transfer to a smaller town in a few years, maybe.

Hard choices. I’m still staying on the DC track of my program; I understand the logic of how much it will get me ahead. I’m just revisiting choices I made when I moved to Pittsburgh; a smaller school, in a smaller place would have suited me. I’d be just as happy working in a local government office in the long-term, even though I’m pursuing jobs at the national “super ambitious” level.

4) I need to reassert my comprehension of my own knowledge.

I started qualifying my answers again. I’m one of the youngest people in my grad program, and sometimes I feel really incompetent. I forget that I’m just as qualified to be in the program, that I’m intelligent too. I doubt myself. When that happens, I start to preface my answers to things with “I don’t know, but…” then I give the answer. I raise my voice at the end of statements, indicating uncertainty. This only makes people doubt me. NO MORE.  I DO know what I’m talking about. A friend recommended that I think “what would a man do” before I speak up…which is sad, but true. Men aren’t afraid to be falsely confident, and they rarely show fear at being wrong. I need to absorb that mentality.

5) Valentine’s Day –> Cupid = Santa?

If Cupid were Santa, and I could ask for anything romance-related that I wanted, it would be this:

I want to go on a date with a Dominant fellow, and surrender control for the entirety – no decisions. That includes dinner and whatever activities. I don’t want to pick the restaurant, or the movie. I am ok giving input when requested, but I don’t want to make the choices. The specifics don’t matter as much – I don’t care what activities we do (I’m really easily pleased), but that’s the gist of it.

If Cupid was feeling particularly generous, the fellow and I would have enough attraction that I’d enjoy him touching me, and he could assume temporary “ownership” for the evening as well. That could include discrete torment or teasing throughout the evening or afterwards. Maybe not full on sex, but again, that’s the gist of it.

Either way, the first part would be enough. I’ve experimented with different types of kinky play, and I enjoy doing that and will continue to do so. I want to experiment more with actual power exchange, in an everyday scenario, when it isn’t as sexual. I want to feel that type of submission. I realize it’d be all the better with someone I really like and am attracted to, and have hope of a relationship with, but I figured I’d keep my Cupid requests on the lower expectations side of things.

~

If I haven’t said so before, I like things in multiples of 5, so that’ll be all.

Rambling Thoughts, Jan 5-6

No night terror last night = win.

In other news, I’m going back to Pittsburgh with what feels like more crap than I had when I moved. I know, that’s an exageration, but seriously it will take me about 6 trips to get all this stuff into my apartment. I think I overdid it on the shopping…but letting my mom buy me nonperishables and free laundry is worth it.

I am getting seriously excited to see all my Pittsburgh people again. I am a bit nervous about all the busy-ness that is coming my way, though — between working 10 hrs/wk, taking 60 units, being active in 3 extracurriculars, seeing my friends, and participating in kink events, my time is going to be GONE. That’s how I like it, really.

I’ve also decided that I am going to work on focusing on improving what I want to about myself, with no comparisons to anyone else’s expectations or feedback. Namely, no comparisons, no jealousy, no crazy, and no drama. And yes, I used the oxford comma – it’s the only way.  I’m also going to try to understand the whole “I’m afraid to be a masochist” thing.

For a different note of randomness, I realized how much I enjoy primping. When I have the time and some spare change, here comes the teeth whitening and nail polish! Being a girl has moments of satisfaction. Although, in theory, those two specific examples could be enjoyed by either sex.

Post-holidays, I also ended up with a whip/tickler thing. What was meant as a gift for a friend for the holidays ended up mine due to travel plans getting changed around. Can’t say I mind too much, but that one definitely requires a partner for use. Oh – I get to use my new vibrator for the first time this weekend when I get back, which is really exciting. I’ve always had mediocre, never mind-blowing orgasms, and I’m hoping this thing will change that around.

And, because my kink world got really busy, I need to decide if I should go to a play party on Saturday. I’m sort of afraid to go alone, since I don’t really know anyone other than the host, and him only from a brief meeting… but it’s a free night for me, and a chance to learn and explore. I have to make up my mind soon.

Similarly, I have to determine what I’m going to do about the kink event in January (giant dungeon party) that I registered for that my security-blanket BFF didn’t get to (the event sold out early). I either get some balls and show up alone, or sell my ticket to someone else. I know people attending, but since it’s a play party, I don’t want to stand in a corner not playing…but I don’t really know what else to do/how to approach people and things. There was a slave auction that could have mitigated the options for me, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.

My insecurity/shyness about attending these events drives me crazy. I’m seriously only ever unsure when it comes to kinky sexuality things. The rest of the time, watch out. That’s another 2011 goal – get the hell over it, suck it up, and treat the kinky world just as I do the professional world and own it. Who cares if people don’t think it’s fitting for a submissive – I submit to those who earn it.