Slowly Incorporating Submission

A couple of things have been on my mind lately, as a result of different conversations and photos and things.

First, I can’t stop thinking about chains, handcuffs, and cages. Rope is great, but it has been over a year since I’ve been bound tightly enough that I couldn’t escape. As a result, while I still love it, I think I’m comfortable with it. I still feel like I can escape. Metal bondage doesn’t allow for that, which is frightening but also appealing.

The more I think about D/s, the more I get nervous. In books, Dominants are great about sensing when a submissive is nervous or afraid and tailoring their approach. I’ve never met anyone who was that observant. I’ve never had a Dom comfort me or talk me into a submissive headspace.

If I’m going to submit to someone on a deeper level, I need to build trust. Everyone emphasizes trust, which is great, but how do you build trust other than giving it time? How does someone assert control in small ways to build that trust?

I’ve been trying to think about ways to do that. One, I think service is a great way to do this. Bitch make me a sammich isn’t really the hottest or best way to exchange power, but little requests/commands like that change focus. In the book I’ve been reading, the Dom forces his potential sub to make eye contact, to answer questions immediately and without hiding. In my mind, introducing rules early on would help. I think it’d be best to have vanilla sex before kinky sex (or at least, mostly vanilla – no toys/bondage, but power dynamics ok). That said, even before that, a couple can establish some sexual tension and D/s dynamics.

For example, when we spend time together, he can require I ensure my legs are spread a certain amount to be available to him. I can be relegated to the floor. Maybe he’d have me kneel until I ask to sit differently – ways of forcing me to ask him for something. In ways like that and others, he can force me to acknowledge my submission and the fact that with that comes communicating all my needs, comforts, etc. to him.

My inclination is to endure or suffer in silence. I don’t make a lot of noise during play, and I don’t like asking for help or depending on others. D/s is all about enabling a submissive to depend on her Dom for order. If I want a D/s dynamic to work, I need to have honesty/communication/vocalizing drilled in early on. Thankfully, those are things that can happen with less sex, so they can happen earlier on in a relationship.

Thing is, do I bring that up with a potential Dom? Do we sit down and have a conversation about how to build trust/control? I mean, really, wtf is the protocol here?

Someone I was talking to did bring up an interesting point about pride, though. I mentioned how begging is difficult for me because it makes me feel like others will view me as weak or needy (but also how it’s super hot). He asked if thinking of begging as a submissive act that shows how good a submissive I am would help. I think it would, actually. If I had a Dom who encouraged begging, who acknowledged it and praised me for doing it – even if not giving me whatever I’m begging for – I think it would be a helluva lot more doable on my end.

I’ll do a lot to please my partner. If begging pleases him, and he makes it a positive act and not a degrading one, then I think I could take pride in it. I think, too, it would help to know that asking isn’t futile. I will vocalize a lot more if I know it won’t be futile or punished, like it has been in other aspects of my life.

Why do I like being hit?

Someone asked me this today, and it made me think a lot on why I enjoy pain. I hadn’t visited the subject in a while, so it took some processing. Here’s my general thoughts on the matter.

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with pain, and it definitely depends on the purpose/context. Where did it come from? Probably, like my desire for submission, from some combination of things in my past that involved me having to maintain strict control over myself, my emotions, — too deep and not pertinent. The real question here is – Why do I choose to engage in behaviors that involve me receiving pain? A variety of reasons:

  1. Emotional release. I find it difficult to let go and cry sometimes, even when I really need to. Pain can provide an excuse to cry without feeling like I’m being irrational. It’s a catalyst, of sorts. I’ve found stingy pain gets me to this point much more quickly, but isn’t always as satisfying.
  2. Focus. I find it hard sometimes to stop thinking and just feel. Pain makes me think of only it, the person administering it, and what’s happening in the moment between us. That, in turn, allows me to just feel and enjoy things instead of over-thinking them. Additionally, if I’m really stressed or anxious about something, pain is something else I can’t help but focus on instead. (So is submitting in general, with or without pain.)
  3. Challenge. I like pushing myself, and seeing what my body can do.
  4. Fun (ie sexy) endorphins. Pain in certain places, from certain implements, with certain people can get me off in and of itself. Namely, thuddy pain in the ass region with someone I am attracted to, or any type of pain to the nipples with someone I’m attracted to, or rough body play/biting with someone I’m attracted to (notice the trend there?).
  5. Control. Pain is a physical manifestation of power exchange. Every spank can reemphasize that I am submitting to this person, that I am letting them have control over me, that I trust them not to harm me and to stop if need be. It hurts, but I’m letting them do so because it pleases them, which satisfies a deeper mental submissive desire on my end. If they enjoy hurting me, then I’ll get off on it all the more.

I am not an exhibitionist at all. I will go to public events when I know many people going in order to hang out with friends, to take a class, to play with specific equipment, or for the safety element with a newer partner. When I first got involved in the DC scene, I was much more open to casual/pick-up play, so I went out a lot. I learned quickly though that most of my motivations for play stem from deeper desires – D/s, personal expression, sexual – and I’m not very comfortable doing those things with strangers or in public. Because of that, I think 2 and 3 above are the only motivations that ever really came out in the public-playspace type setting. Maybe 4, in rarer instances.

Since that realization, I’ve only played with S&m things a handful of times. (This is also because things like 1 and 5 require much deeper trust and people who are willing to take care of what they break down, which is harder to find and do in shorter instances or with people you’re not in an ongoing relationship with.) All of the above still applies, I’ve just been much choosier in how I engage in those activities.

Awkward

I started my new job this week, and so far, it’s been pretty good. I hate not having a work friend, though. Everyone is nice, but it isn’t the same.

I feel like I’m being pompous or boring because people keep asking me about Afghanistan, meaning I repeat the same stuff over and over.

Today, I got defensive about someone saying something derogatory about my undergrad, and I really should have responded differently. I need to learn to keep my tone steady, regardless of how I feel, when dealing with coworkers.

I like my new bosses. I was told by our staffing coordinator that she advocated for me strongly and even stronger to get me on the job I’m on because of my experience. That’s gratifying, but the content is less interesting than I’d hoped for, and the direct supervisor is a little behind the times. So, we’ll see how that goes.

I’m also struggling to accept the fact that I have to start totally fresh and prove myself all over again. I feel a bit rejected that people were hired in June and I wasn’t until November. The other hires are extremely competent and some have ridiculous levels of experience, which makes me feel inferior.

Blerg. I’ll get there, it’s just going to take a while to settle in.

Submissive Shortcoming

I’ve wondered a lot about why my dating interactions with “Dominant” men always seem to fail. On the surface, it’s been obvious (distance, one of us is less into the other, etc). I’ve always wondered, though, if it was just that I got so nervous that I wasn’t really being myself. Maybe, had I been my normal, slightly snarky, bubbly self instead of shy, quiet, and totally acquiesing, they would’ve been more into it. A conversation with a friend tonight is leading me to believe that in fact, maybe it hasn’t worked because of who my normal self is.

It’s frustrating. I’ve always been nervous and afraid that more dominant men will rule me out as an option because I’m very type A and generally have my shit together in day-to-day life. I’m shy with new people, but otherwise, I’m outgoing and energetic. I have a lot of energy, am not afraid to ask questions, and I lack much of a filter. Dominant men frequently just have this flirtatiously commanding persona they embody around submissive females (usually the quiet, more timid types), and they almost never act like that with me. Really, the ones that do tend to be the very experienced men or women, oftentimes “old guard” folks or those over 35/40. (Random, but part of why black rose appeals to me a lot is that most of the people I’ve met in that group tend to be of that “old guard” mindset, and don’t immediately disregard my submissive potential.)

I’m not submissive with everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less submissive. I have opinions, and I’m a planner and taking charge doesn’t frighten me. I’m capable of managing, both myself and others, but that doesn’t make me any less obedient to those with authority above me. I’m not totally new and inexperienced, but there’s a lot I have to learn and I’m very willing to be taught.

I’m strong, but I’m willing, able, and in fact sometimes near desperately desire to submit to someone else’s will. People never seem to see it. My closest friends see it, but potential partners never do. I’m a people pleaser. I will go out of my way to make sure those around me succeed, are happy, and have what they need. I will use all of my passion, energy, and enthusiasm to effectively serve my partner. It just takes me a bit longer to get there.

I can’t act like that with anyone. For me, it takes a great deal of trust. We have to have fun together, get along as friends, and have physical chemistry. I have to respect you, your actions, and the decisions you make. If you start taking a stronger/more commanding tone with me, I’ll respond to it. You’ll notice my starting to look out for your desires more and more.

And really, if you take that commanding, flirtatiously dominant persona with me from the beginning and you’ve establish some quick initial respect, you’ll generally be able to see the change in my reactions to you.

I guess I just wish men would see the potential behind the day-to-day self, and would be willing to take on someone who is maybe a bit more of a challenge, or at least is more teasing in nature. I want men to take on a more commanding air in my presence.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 (It begins…)

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

That’s a helluva loaded question. I’ve been blogging for over a year and a half trying to figure out the answer to this question, and I’m still a little stumped. I know how I would’ve answered this when I first started out in kink, but nowadays it’s a bit more complex. Anyhow, enough walking around the issue. Continue reading

Masochistic Ponderings

First off, stupid hurricane. I spent all day drinking and hanging out with friends with only minor rain in the background. (We watched The American President and The West Wing  – very DC.) They leave, and BOOM the rain and wind pick up hardcore. I’m really not a fan of storms (too many tornados and bad loud noises in my life), and I wish this would’ve happened earlier. Now I’m just hoping our power is on tomorrow.

The main kink thing on my mind recently has been pain. This is a subject I frequently revisit because it constantly confuses me and in general is very mysterious. I originally went into my first kinky experiences thinking I would only like pain insomuch as it was a demonstration of my submission, a manifestation of the power exchange. Then, I played with pain several times, realized just how much I got off on it, played some more, and called myself a masochist.

Pain with power exchange is undeniably and incredibly sexy to me. That’s really the primary way I’ve experienced it, and by that alone, yes, I like pain.

I was using my clamps while playing around a bit the other day, though, and I realized that while yes, it still intensifies other feelings and sort of quickens up the arousal, my pain threshold is much, much lower and I enjoy it much less. Really, I’d get the same effect (if not a possibly stronger one) from just playing with my nipples without clamps for another 5-10 minutes. This begged the question, do I like the pain, really, or is it more than that?

I think I’ve come full circle to the realization that while pain with sex can be good and intensify the arousal, pain with power exchange trumps that, and pain with power exchange and sex trumps all. Pain with none of those things is a no-no on my part.

So, am I a masochist? I’m not sure. I enjoy pain primarily when I am being subjected to it by a Dominant man whom I trust and am attracted to in some way/shape/form. My pain threshold is partially dependent on trying to take more to please the person hurting me, on wanting to give up the control. My enjoyment is partially dependent on pleasing my Top with his subjugation of me through the distribution of pain, and on my Top’s enjoyment of providing said experience.

So, if I’m ever craving pain – which I do sometimes – I think I need to remind myself that I’m really just craving submission. I want to release control, and letting someone hurt me is a great way to do that. Bondage is another great way to do that, though pain is more of an emotional release, while bondage is more of a stabilization method. All are turn-ons, of course.

And the power is flickering even more… so off to bed I go.

Life Finals

Talk about the longest week ever…a day of finals, errands, packing, and driving to DC, followed by two days of hard core networking/conference (on tech-heavy, complicated things), followed by two days of interviews, networking, and logistical nightmares, concluded with apartment hunting and more traveling. Have to unpack, do laundry, repack, and off to travel some more. I’m going nuts.

Some good things for the week:

  • I got a particular fellowship for this summer that guarantees me $2500 and an internship in DC. My close friend also got it (1o were awarded from about 50 applicants, so crazy that we both won).
  • I found an apartment for next year in DC! Great location, amenities, price… really it is perfect.
  • I got to see a friend that I rarely see
  • I got to see Secretary Chu and a variety of other awesomely interesting influential speakers

Some bad things:

  • I lost my ID card, AGAIN. This is the 3rd time this year. It costs $25 to replace, so I really need to figure out a way to not do this.
  • Apparently I grind my teeth in my sleep…not good
  • One of my group members entirely abandoned our group paper, leaving the rest of us in a crazy lurch

I have to write a whole bunch of thank you/follow up emails before I leave, and I really don’t want to. I’m so sick of doing everything. I worry about logistics, and I like things to be organized and efficient. (aka, I’m a bit of a control freak.) DC does not work that way sometimes, and it drags on me. Add to that my 4 hrs of sleep, and I’m irritable as hell today. I’m in that weird in-between, partially sleepy, partly loopy, slightly horny, and in general wanting to submit. I need to come up with a better description for this mood, as it happens frequently (especially after particularly stressful times).

I still haven’t decided if I should drop my Tuesday night class next semester. The professor is great, and the class would teach some good skills, but I really would rather have Tuesday free for kinky things and the other class I’d take would be markedly easier. Choices, choices.

Can I just how sad I am to be leaving this city in two months? I’m just starting to really feel like it is home here. DC seems so overwhelming and large. Everything is complicated, and there are just so many people. Even the kink community there is huge. I kind of like the more intimate feel of the Pittsburgh scene, because people are very welcoming and willing to make friends with new people. I feel like I’ll lose that in DC.

Random, but I’m also still seeking a new vibrator. Suggestions are welcome.