:(

Made to feel fucked in the head about liking what I like, made to feel ugly for not being a super-fit dancer girl, made to feel unwanted by my date making out with another dude.

Disrespect me…you already did. So now what? Am I going to be sad to go home alone? Yes. Would I rather kiss and cuddle? Yes. However, doing so makes me attached, and if you’re clearly not attached at all, I’m better off with you staying. That said, seriously? You disrespected me when you kissed her while I was still in the room. That boat passed.

And WTF, N? Tell me to drop him and move on, then snap him up for yourself? He was mine to kiss and play with.

Shit night.

8/26

First, on the buggy note: it wasn’t bedbugs, it was fleas. While better in that they are somewhat easier to eradicate, they also transmit disease, so that’s not great. It took 21 loads of laundry to wash everything fabric I own. After that, vacuuming, and a flea bomb, I’m hoping my room is safe. The rest of our apartment is still unknown. God save me from the fleas. In the meantime, I have new pillows and a new comforter, and everything I own is clean (yay options!). This also was a good push to buy mattress protectors to keep me from getting bedbugs in the future.

For a quick update: Life is good. Work is picking up, but only marginally so. I’m set to go to the war zone the second half of October. I’m a little bummed to miss Halloween, but it should be ok. I’ve realized that my boss isn’t exactly great at his job, so that’s a bit strange. It’s going to get tricky soon enough, trying to do quality work to impress the bigger boss without showing up the immediate one. Ugh. But, I have training soon, and that’s exciting too. Taking training makes me feel like I’m taking concrete steps to better myself and advance my career, so I’m trying to get as much as I can while I’m in this job.

Otherwise, I’ve gotten even closer to some vanilla friends which is great. I met some new people and have been seeing them more, which is also great. The positive energy of these people is awesome. I got to see Cirque de Soleil, which was amazing. I got to catch up with the old roommates, and that was also very refreshing. We did a color personality profile – I’m Blue dominant and Red secondary. This means I’m motivated by intimacy.

These are the do-gooders. Intimacy: connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful.

Reds are motivated by power, “Power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.”  Blue and red are innately in conflict, because one seeks acceptance and the other approval, which are contradictory in nature. One seeks to share intimate details, the other seeks to hide intimate details. It was very interesting and insightful. Try it here: color code personality test.

So, while some things have been pretty good, I’ve had a lot of negative energy in my life the last few weeks as well. Aside from the fleas and relative discontent at work, some of my friends have been dealing with extreme relational complications. I take on the emotions of those around me a lot more than most, and it deeply bothers me for those I care about to be unhappy. I spent a lot of time trying to cheer other people up and listening to their issues, and the negative energy kind of seeped into me.

Thing is, I’m not big on being the center of attention, and while I can enjoy attention paid me, I don’t like all eyes on me especially during moments of vulnerability. I guess more specifically, I don’t like verbal acknowledgment or reminders that eyes are on me. If I’m in the throes of climax, I don’t want to hear spectators commenting on it, or on any part of the interaction. Even more, if there are any notes of negativity in those comments, the moment is entirely ruined for me.

This weekend, the negativity brought me down for a bit. I’m tired of people trying to make me jealous or mess with my head. Really, I need to stop being so willing to listen to other people’s issues. I don’t mind trying to be there for my friends, but sometimes what they are discussing intertwines too closely with things in my life and ends up leading to comparisons. I don’t want to be forced into situations where I’m putting my relationships and encounters side by side with someone else’s – it never ends well.

Basically, I need to learn either learn how to tell people to shut it, how to detach when listening to others, or how to minimize the time spent with people who bring me down.

Loving the Holidays Already

I know I’m homesick when:

Getting a card in the mail from the ‘rents makes me tear up.

Seeing all the holiday stuff in the store makes me emotional.

Seeing a missed call from my mom jerks the strings again.

Then, I get a phone call when I hear all about the endless drama at home. This proceeds to make me even more exhausted, tired, and stressed.

I need a vacation to someplace warm and sandy, with only positive, supportive people around me. Please?