I’ve been told by my roommate and a few friends that I date a lot. I sort of laughed, because really, I don’t think I date much at all. I guess comparatively I do, because vanilla friends don’t really date. They’re either dating someone, or they aren’t dating at all. (Sidenote – how do they get to one without the other? Does not compute.)
In the kinky community, people are more vocal about what they are seeking, and seemingly everyone is seeking something, whether it be play partners, sex partners, or primary partners. Sex and love are primary focuses, and it’s not taboo to be interested in them like it often is in the vanilla world. I get used to that culture sometimes, and forget it’s apparently weird to date a “lot.”
Anyhow, that aside, I’ve gone out with 8 distinct men in the last 7 months, the most recent of which was a 3-month long thing. There were a few other “interests” in that time, in the flirting/group dating/kinky play way, but not in a romantic way.
I’ve got entertaining stories, but I learned some important lessons.
From the casual dates, I learned the following: I need to date someone who is self-sufficient, including able to handle logistics. You need to be able to get from point A to point B in an efficient way, and not depend on me to figure that out. Cars help. Taxis and metro exist for a reason, as does Zipcar. Figure it out. Second, I’m not quite to the point where I’m willing to handle young children. Third, I’m very hesitant to get involved with recent widowers or divorcees. Fourth, jobs help… Fifth, I need someone within 15 years of my age.
From the most recent 3-monther, I learned the following: On a personality level, a willingness to try new things, honesty/bluntness, passion, decisiveness, and humor matter a lot to me. Interest in stand up comedy, board games, travel, new restaurants, and books/movies/TV (some combination thereof) will keep us compatible. A focus on long-term commitment, and solid values appeal to me.
What has really stood out wasn’t just from this time period, but is reflective of the last several years. Namely, I’ve gone out/been involved (in real time) with six “Dominant” men. It totally fucks with my worldview, for some reason. When I’m with these men, I don’t act like myself at all. I get emotionally involved way too quickly. I’m turned on at the slightest of touches, my sex drive active in ways it never normally is. I don’t speak up for myself, joke the way I normally do, or take initiative in ways I normally do. Basically, I get so freaked by the D/s potential that I don’t know how to act, and I stifle myself. The issue: when I’m myself, people like me, but I’m not myself when I like people.
Of those six men, one never had a chance since I moved right after we met. Another was poly, so that didn’t go anywhere since I’m not. Another was arrogant, young, and way too slow on initiating physical affection. The other three were bigger fuck-ups. One involved pressured sex and edge play I didn’t consent to. One involved someone not being honest about his emotions, trying for too much control too soon, and attacking my worth. The last was my fail, in that I got so awkward about life that I forgot to be myself.
I need to learn to ignore the whole D/s thing until I agree to be in an established D/s dynamic. I get that logically, but emotionally and sexually I need to acknowledge that. The problem is, my sex drive sort of staggers along with men, but when there’s power exchange, I respond quickly. Shitty self-worth guy was shitty, but helped me realize that my interest in orgasm denial is a very real thing – I have no issues staggering along when that component is there.
Sooo I may not know how I’ll fit into a D/s relationship with my in-control self, but I do know that interest is most certainly there. The last longer dating endeavor ended more than anything from a lack of sexual chemistry on my end, and it was beyond kink. He was willing to learn kinky things. I had issues with other personality and compatibility things, but he was a great guy, bright, involved, and willing to go along with a lot. He just wasn’t very decisive and lacked initiative. Those outside-the-bedroom traits leaked into my interpretation of bedroom things, to the point that rope wouldn’t have fixed it. It isn’t the rope, or the spanking – it’s the attitude that goes with it. I want someone to fuck with me, to tease me, to relish taking control from me. Otherwise, getting off is more work than play. The first interactions are fine, because they have an element of discovery that makes the whole attitude thing less important…but later on, it’s unfortunately necessary.
I just wish that there was a way to vocalize and apologize for the uber-awkward moments that stem from me not knowing what the fuck to do with myself with openly Dominant men. Or, you know, find someone who realizes thats what’s happening and exploits the shit out of it in a way that’s mutually hot. That would work too.