Disassociating…or re-evaluating.

Lately, I seem to have random bursts of passion about things instead of my usual zest for all things in life. I think I need some mental relaxation. A lot has been going on, basically.

First, I’m back in the States! Yay! Another bomb went off while I was there, and it was a much closer call. I was definitely happy to be going back home. As much as I consider going for a year (financially, it’s the best decision), I can’t make myself face the risks. That, and after two weeks I was twitchy from loud noises; a year would give me actual PTSD.

On the positive side, my bosses at work are recommending me for a promotion, unprompted from me. I really hope it happens. Either way, it’s nice to have my work recommended.

I’ve been oddly uninterested in kink for a while now. I think it started by dating a religious guy and making me re-evaluate casual play – combined with feeling shitty after playing with too many coupled people and casual encounters. I haven’t really done much lately. I went to the rope event in May, and played at Rapture in March…but that’s been it, really. I haven’t been to the Crucible or BR in months either. I’m still very much enjoy bondage and pain, but I only want it with someone who I’m submitting to, which is rare to find. Basically, I’m seeking a Dominant man for a relationship, surprise surprise. The other kink stuff I really only want to do with a regular romantic partner, preferably one with power over me.

It’s a weird mood to be in, really, especially prior to Fusion. I’m not very excited for this year’s Fusion. I’m not prepared – I’m not packed or shaved, I don’t have classes selected, and I don’t have playdates all set up. I’m going without a partner (with friends, yes, but “solo”). There will be 1,000 people there and limited bathrooms. I have to cook my food and I don’t know if we have the right equipment to do so. It stresses me out. I am worried I will just end up retreating somewhere and reading for several hours. I just feel lonely in my kink. I need someone looking out for me that I can play and grow with, and without that, it all feels empty. I’d love to be the type for casual encounters, but I have never mastered that, emotionally or physically.

On the other hand, I’ve had some shitty family stuff get even shittier lately (that gets a post of its own), and combined with the warzone crap, I could use some BDSM. As the title of the post indicates, the more shit that I think about, stress about, etc., the more I just disassociate altogether and start feeling like nothing matters. It makes me question what I’m doing with my life. I’ve intended to find a place to volunteer, start going to services, and work out more – but I seemingly never have time to catch up, let alone get ahead. Ugh. I could use something to make me feel, make me forget and stop thinking, and allow me to let go. I just don’t know who I can trust to take me there anymore.

Randomness.

Life is mostly going quite well, minus work today. It’s ironic, because my friend just mentioned an insight I had forever ago about how it’s much easier and more liberating to submit to one person since then you don’t have to submit to everyone. I kind of forgot I’d written about that. Thing is, that’s really at the root of my cravings for some power exchange, I think, especially relating to work.

Specifically, I’m trying so hard to do my best and please people, but my manager doesn’t give me any rules or boundaries to do so. As a result, now all these other people that I should be pleasing aren’t all happy, but I don’t know what to do to fix it, it isn’t my fault when I had no way of knowing how to do so, and yet I still feel guilty and upset that I’m not what they want me to be (or arguably what I should be). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t massively screw things up or anything, but there are little things that I could have done better and didn’t know until it was too late. I want to be the best at what I do, but I can’t do that without guidance. Anyhow, I really want to just focus on pleasing one person, on obeying and submitting to his will, and knowing clearly what boundaries exist and whether or not I’ve crossed them.  Someday.

On to all the positives!

First, I know many people aren’t religious at all, but I do believe in a higher power. Getting that out there. Over the holidays and in the new year, I’ve put a huge focus on getting my finances in shape. It isn’t that they were out of shape before, so much as I want to budget better, save more, put more away for retirement, and eliminate any debt I have control over. (In that I don’t have control over student loan debt because it’s large and I’m working on public service repayment, but car loans, credit card bills, etc. I control.) I had this nagging stress because of my stupid credit card bill and no immediate or quick way to pay it down. Then, I did my taxes…and POOF! My return is almost EXACTLY what I need to pay them off! It’s amazing! To me, it feels something like a miracle for the level of relief it provides. I feel like my prayers were answered, and it’s awesome.

Second, Rapture was this past weekend and it was fabulous. I didn’t do many scenes, which fit my mood, but I did get to play with two of my very good friends. I feel like lately playing with folks has been more ridden with anxiety, stress, and worry than with pleasure, and it’s amazing what playing with friends changes. Namely, there’s no anxiety, worry, or stress, just pleasure. I can relax. I trust them, and I can just enjoy it. Plus, both people are great at the whole shit-eating-grin-sadist thing, making it all the better. Actually, in one scene, some random guy from the party popped in and interrupted us with “I just bust a nut!” taking me completely off guard and making me crack up, then later another friend made all of us dissolve into hysterical laughter. So much fun. I really just do better only playing with people I know very, very well. Not a surprise, per se, but annoying when I’d love to be the type of person who could play with anyone at will.

Another Rapture-related thing – I’m now training to be a DM. It means more work at parties, but I don’t mind. I learned during our first training session that I know a lot more about rope and safety than the average kinkster. I’m going to be compiling a list of safety points to share with the other monitors.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with new experiences lately too. I went to an Indian cooking class with a friend, which was fun and informative. Raw meat is disgusting, lentils are amazing, and I need to master spices. I also had Korean food for the first time and did karaoke with a group of mostly new friends. I always forget how much I love singing until I do it for a while. I’m also working on slowly building my spice tolerance so I can enjoy spicy food; hopefully one of these days I can avoid being the one to order mild everything.

Other random thoughts of the week:

  • It is really important to recognize and acknowledge the importance of your friendships with others. Moreover, knowing whether or not your love for another person makes it worth changing behaviors for them is vital but extremely difficult.
  • Yes, I’m type A. The satisfaction I get from planning things and executing them well, looking at a full calendar, crossing things off lists, and organizing my junk is unmatched. I hate how easy it is to be ashamed of these habits. When I embrace them, I’m much happier.
  • Being Type A doesn’t mean you can’t be submissive…it just means there’s more benefits there for the Dominant partner, should he choose to make use of them. It also often makes me that much more inclined to submit.
  • It’s wrong of me to stereotype groups of people by assuming they are going to stereotype me. Assume = ass out of u and me.
  • Despite all the progress and growth of the past few years, I still frequently fail at flirting. Unfortunate, that.

It’s a New Year!

I haven’t posted about what’s going on or anything like that in a while, so here’s a random assortment of things.

First, went snow tubing this weekend, which was a blast. Restaurant week was just announced, and I got super excited and made a bunch of reservations before even committing people to go to them. Work has mildly improved, because I was finally able to figure out a way for my bosses to take ownership a bit – and thereby take the burden off of me – and our senior-most person just resigned. I got super-cheap transit tickets to NYC for the end of March and I have a free place to stay. I might be able to go to Puerto Rico for cheap too :).

Kink-wise, I’ve been making it a point to go to DC Rope events and Rapture things, but that’s about it. I’m sick of going to events that focus on pick-up play because I can’t relax and be that intimate with people at the drop of a hat. I need to find events and happy hours to go to where I can meet potential kinky partners that doesn’t involve sexual situations, but easier said than done.

Generally, I feel relatively on top of things and happy about that. I also keep feeling more than a little emotionally detached from things, which isn’t good at all. The lack of sunshine in my days, the stress at work for so long, and the lack of any romantic interest is getting to me. I’m not depressed, just out of sorts a tad.

Currently very much into: planning recipes and Goodreads.

Highly Recommended: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, Zedd

Stumbled Upon Quotes:

“A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to.” -Zen Habits

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” -Bill Cosby

“You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” -Erin Gloria Ryan

“Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who make you laugh, who help you when you’re in need. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.” -Karl Marx

November Rapture

As per usual, I’m thoroughly exhausted after this month’s Rapture. I’m also deliciously sore and bruised and on a happy high from interacting with so many of my favorite new and old friends. One notable moment was getting an amazing paddling from a good friend. I’ve been craving a heavy beating for a while, and I wanted to play with someone sadistic enough to really push my limits. I definitely got what I asked for. I didn’t end up sobbing entirely, but was teary. I also let out a few bloodcurdling screams towards the end that surprised even me. I’d love to play that hard regularly, but I think I’d scare the ever-living shit out of people at most public events. Generally, it seems I’m a much heavier masochist than most people that go to those events.That beating was more of a cathartic release, although I was still mildly turned on from it, and the aftermath could have been developed into climax pretty easily had there been opportunity. Later in the evening, I came from some nipple torment while bound… not for the first time. Seeing as how I can climax from pain to the nipples, yes, I’m a masochist, pain slut, whatever people may call it.

Another notable thing – I topped a guy. Well, I co-topped him with another female. I find it interesting. Part of me gets great joy from being evilly mean and having him respond positively to it. It  makes me giggly. On the other hand, I’m really afraid of going too far or hurting my partner, and I’m a little insecure about it, so it freaks me out. I think I’m to the point where I don’t get off on being in control, but I can have fun topping. Mainly, I see topping as a service thing to please my partner, and if I know what they like and I’m doing it, it’s just a different manifestation of pleasing them. Do I want to play with fear, surprise, control – not so much. Flogging, sensory play, riding crops – maybe. We’ll see where this tangent goes as it continues to develop.

In other news, registered for Winter Fire tonight. I’m really excited for this event because so many people I know are going, which will make it a LOT of fun. Hopefully this week won’t destroy me at work. We have lots of meetings, deadlines, and such and I also have an important application and narrow deadline to meet as well. Saturday is christmas event day in Old Town, though, then I’m going ice skating Sunday, so there should be a lot of fun going on :).

Columbus Day Recap

So this weekend was AMAZING. Seriously. This post is super-long and not really overly informative, but I like having recaps for later reflection and review. On I go.

First, a moment of reflection. A year ago, I was crazed with school and work, and had only been in the kinky community a tiny bit (think two TNG happy hours, one BR class, one Rapture party, and one DC Rope meeting). I was dating this guy who was dominant and poly, but who didn’t really have his shit together. I was pseudo-dating a second guy who did have his shit together, but who was really into high-protocol types of stuff. Things were weird. I went to the Fetish Ball, and had a horrible time. I only knew a few folks, I hate crowds, and I was all emo about my date’s poly partner and lack of attention. One great benefit – I got close to one of the girls who I now consider a great friend.

Back to the weekend… This weekend was chock-full of fun and activities. I was a bit bummed going into it because a ‘nilla friend was having a house party Friday night and some ‘nillas were hitting up Oktoberfest Saturday, which would have been fun. That said, it was totally worth it doing what I did.

Friday and Saturday were dedicated the BR event. I only knew a few folks going in, and no-one that I normally play with, so I was hesitant. Friday night, I ended up participating in the auction with my submissive friend. We were auctioned off as co-bottoms, and went for $11,000 (in fake money). It was something I never would have had the courage to do alone, but am really glad I did it! It got people knowing I was interested in playing, and guaranteed I’d have some action. I ended up tying up my friend later in the night, then hogtying myself. I played voyeur for a bit too, which was interesting.

Saturday, I started the day by going to a class on face slapping. I’ll post a separate thing as a result of that – I ended up really thinking about degradation and what triggers me and why, which was good growth. I went to vending and bought an underbust corset that I’ve wanted for a while (yay curves and cleavage!). I then went to the singles lunch, which was kind of a bust on meeting a potential partner, but the people were still nice. I then tried to go to a class on fire play but instead took a short nap (I stayed up all night Friday finishing the Hunger Games series). I went to a class on hogties, which was cool because they were all done with a single column and double column tie, which I know how to do – aka I can now do many more ties than I realized. Afterwords, I hung out in the lobby, met some people, then went to a really delicious dinner with some friends.

Later in the evening, I did some suspension stuff with a friend for a while, then went into negotiations with our auction-winner. We ended up dividing and conquering since apparently my friend and I have vastly varied interests, and they went to play. I ended up doing an impromptu scene with someone from NY; we did some flogging and paddling, and it was great because I really needed to let off some emotional steam. I ended up staying up pretty late talking to some folks in the lobby before heading to bed. Sunday, I scened with the auction-winner, and then I went to a class on self-bondage before rushing off to the Fetish Ball.

The auction scene went really well and was really fun, but I kind of flipped a bit at one point. I came very close to climaxing, but I’m terrible at vocalizing, especially with multiple people involved, in public, and gags…so when I couldn’t articulate what I needed to orgasm, I ended up feeling like I’m too complicated to deal with and wasn’t meeting expectations, which upset me. Really, I need to know better than to try to get sexual with someone I’ve only met recently. It never ends well. Anyhow, I ended up going back to the hotel room and using five minutes to get myself off quick and hard.

The Fetish Ball was Sunday night, and as part of DXS Rapture’s volunteer staff I was set to get there early. We helped load-in the dungeon equipment, and then were DMs for the evening. I really love all of those people more than I can say. I ended up flogging two of my friends (and a stranger…), which was a total first for me. Surprisingly, I found it very, very fun. I kind of wanted to just flog the night away so I could improve my aim and such. One of the Rapture lovelies mentioned I could earn a flogger from them, and she would be willing to teach me how to use it properly. I guess I’m officially switchy now?

I also met some cool new people, and ended up getting a flogging myself. (The funny thing was, I think I borrowed my friend’s flogger 4 times in total over the evening? I really need my own.) I mysteriously ended up in a very submissive headspace with that scene, which is rare for me but was a nice change. It’s funny, because right when I start to wonder if I’m submissive at all because I so rarely feel that way, boom! I meet people who put me in that space, and I’m back to the multiple-label mess I was before. I also casually scened with an old friend with wartenburg wheels and tickling, and that was really fun.

Monday, I slept super late catching up on things (and woke with the start of a head cold, boo). I then vacuumed and cleaned up from the weekend before scrambling off to meet my old roommates for dinner. As per usual, spending time with them always puts me in a great mood and refreshes my perspective on life, plus it was a great meal :). I went over to a friend’s house for his birthday and tried to watch Lord of the Rings 2, but we really ended up just talking through it. I met another of his friends who is super cool, and it’s funny because I think we know a bunch of the same people but somehow have never met.

This week at work we have five interviews and some internal meetings, so things have finally gotten busy, thank God! I am so much better when I can be productive. I think I have something planned every night through the end of the weekend, minus tonight, but all fun things. Life is good. If only I could skip my work travel and just keep having fun here!

7/31 Rapture! (And growing up.)

Rapture was this past weekend, and I had a blast as usual. It took a bit of jager and some hip hop, but I let loose and danced for about an hour.  My general whiteness, prudishness, and pudginess keep people from thinking I can dance, but I can bust a move. I was blessed with good rhythm, took dance classes when I was young, and did choreographed competitive routines in high school. (Plus, all people from my area of the Midwest dance like they do in Detroit. Our high school dances were all bump-and-grind, at least until chaperones forcibly stopped us.)  So, I danced! I danced with women, I danced with men, I gave lap dances – all in a corset! Predictably, the next morning my thighs were incredibly sore from dropping it like it was hot.

I also played again with needles…and I climaxed just from that. Talk about endorphins! It still amazes me that I can react that way to pain, let alone to needles. I hate needles! They scare me, puncturing skin squicks me out, and I don’t like blood. Throughout play, I’m squeezing someone’s hand or a table with a death grip, and I squeak a bit, but it also sends all sorts of tingly messages elsewhere in my body. Plus, with the gauge of needle we used, there were no marks and no real lingering soreness, making it far too simple to use this is a way to fill my occasional pain cravings. 

Otherwise, as I alluded to a bit ago, I ended things with vanilla guy (finally). I may have gotten a tad over-anxious in the lead-up to that…I definitely used friends and google as resources. I eventually ended up with something about how it was missing the connection I was seeking in a longer-term partner. While true, it still kind of sucked. Thankfully, he was really civil and nice about the whole thing, and I’m proud of myself for growing up, owning my feelings, and not wasting his or my time.

Honestly though, it’s amazing to me how you can get along with someone so well yet still not necessarily feel any sexual attraction to them. It’s even harder to comprehend sometimes how one person can feel something strongly when another doesn’t. I feel like it’s so rare to find someone you mesh with on all levels, including sexually, and to have both people acknowledge it and be ready and able to develop a relationship. Those who have found that, treasure it.

As part of the ‘nilla “break-up,” I caught up with my vanilla BFF who always has this incredible knack of putting my life in perspective. She’s the strongest Christian I know, and yet she’s also the one who knows the most details about my kinky interactions. She’s amazing. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. I tend to look after her like a big sister.  I’ve been kind of on-edge since a few weeks before graduation, stuck in this go-go-go cycle. Basically, my irrational, unfounded fear of not having plans or friends post-grad resulted in me fostering so many relationships that now I’m overwhelmed with plans.

Basically, my fear of being alone left me with no time to be alone, and now I’m craving that alone time. It’s twisted. I genuinely like my varied friend groups, I have fun with them, and I want to hang out with them. Thing is, I have my grad school folks and my kinky folks, kinky events and dating, and then the “catch-up” and “new” people. Fake sister pointed out that if I haven’t seen someone in months or years, they can wait a while longer if it means I have more time to myself. Valid point.

Essentially, I need to prioritize getting my shit together, and start establishing a routine. I need to formalize a laundry day and grocery day, make lunches in advance, and fit in time for the gym (maybe overlap it with catching up on favorite shows?) on top of my social life. I’ve been prioritizing the social life, which while fun, ends up draining energy and making me feel anxious for missing the rest of things…plus it’s costly and not always healthiest.

5/18

So, I’ve been a bit AWOL for a bit, meaning this might be a long one. I finally have a few minutes to myself, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts. It’s amazing how much this blog really helps me process and rid my mind of anxiety.

For the quick recap, I finished all my classes about two weeks ago, and I finished my capstone project last week. Last week I started moving stuff to my new apartment, which also meant sorting through all of my stuff and cleaning. I did paint my new room, though, which was fun and satisfying. I then traveled to Indiana, then to Arkansas, and now am about to head to Pittsburgh for graduation. My parents will then take me back to DC, stay for a few days, and then a friend is in town for a day. I then have quick turnaround before I finish the move. I have a week post-move to settle in and finish setting up my new place/relax, then I head to Boston for a week. I get back from Boston and have a friend visiting for a week, then I start my new job. The next weekend is Fusion…essentially, it’s go-go-go until late June.

One of the hard things about leaving town and being so busy these few weeks is that it means a distinctive break from kinky events. I feel like I’m missing a ton of stuff, but I think timing is part of it. I want to maintain good friendships and relationships I have with people, and play with some of the folks I’ve met recently, but alas it isn’t to be. I missed Rapture, and I’m missing a movie night, the DC rope play party, and a few munches/classes of interest. I also am not attending Shibaricon, which blows. I’m hoping to attend College Night, Dirty Things, and the Wykd_Dave classes while I’m in town at the end of the month, and hopefully I can keep my nerve to attend those things alone.

I tried to find some more kink-appropriate clothing, but my success has been limited. I even went to the porn store here in my Indiana town. The clothing was all so cheaply made or in garish colors, so I stuck with some fishnets. I really want something with garters that is well made and fits properly, preferably in black. I did purchase a new vibrator, which is exciting, as well as my first ever bottle of lube. Figured it was about time for that. My sister is all up in my business now, and is pretty much completely aware of my kink involvement. For all her drama and craziness, she really cares about me and I do love her. I wish we could have a closer relationship, but it’s hard being so far away.

One weird thing about being back in Indiana is that I have this strange confidence here that I don’t have in DC. I think I still feel kind of intimidated by all the sophistication and urbanity of the city. I feel HBIC enough when I’m home that I have a certain confidence, and flirting seems much easier. I know how to tease and smile in such a way that I can draw men in. In DC, I usually end up too shy or insecure to pull that off. I need to figure out how to eliminate that nervousness. –> Goal for the summer.

One of the big things going on in my life right now is finishing graduate school. It’s bittersweet. I’ll miss the excitement of choosing new classes and reading the syllabus for the first time, of seeing which faces are in your class and getting to know new classmates. I’ll miss the engaging discussions and “forced” activities. I’ll miss regularly seeing the friendly faces of my peers, the faculty, and the staff. I’m ready to be done with school, and in a few ways it’s a liberating change, but I’m going to miss so much. It has been an amazing 2 years. $72,000 in debt…but I have a future and a life right now that I didn’t have before. I found out that I’m going to be graduating with distinction, which is also a very proud moment for me. I didn’t think I’d get there. The final stretch with the capstone project was really rough – we had a teammate plagiarize, and our advisor didn’t fairly award grades. It’s over and finished, though, so even though our final product was not up to my standards, it was enough to graduate us all, so I can’t complain.

Moving has been a whole other set of stress and drama. I have so much stuff I’m getting rid of, and a lot of stuff that needs to be tailored if I want to keep it. I’ve lost a good deal of weight since last summer, and as a result my clothes are all out of whack. I also had boxes I hadn’t even opened in the year since moving from Pittsburgh, which is pathetic. I’ve organized and sorted everything I’ve packed and moved, and I’ve been trying to clean house. I do need a new bra and some new denim shorts/capris, but I think I’ll wait until June to fill those gaps. I also am debating buying a bed (as in headboard/footboard). I really want one, especially one that has some way of tying rope/cuffs to it, but it’s a bit pricey (approximately $1000), so I haven’t fully mentally committed to it yet. I feel like buying furniture is a very adult thing to do, and I’m not quite there.

With that, I still have to apply for a loan for my car, get it inspected, and then title/register it in VA. I also need to get a new license and register to vote, and then figure out cell phone plans/bills. All part of being a “real” adult for once. When I start my new job, I’ll be picking out insurance plans and finding doctors in VA, and things will get really real.

Making all of these transitions even more difficult, my parents are strongly considering downsizing into a downtown condominium. They currently have a 5 bedroom house, so this is a HUGE change for them. If things go as my dad wants, they’ll be moved by October. I’m at our house for one day in between traveling, and this very well could be my last time stepping foot in my childhood home. I’m freaking out a little bit. They have so much furniture and so many things they’re going to be getting rid of that I wish I could have, but I won’t be here to go through it, and I don’t have the money to store it nor the space to take it now. I had about 600+ books here, and I got rid of half today – the used bookstore gave me $55. For $2100 worth of books. It wouldn’t be that bad, only I would’ve kept them were my parents waiting 2 years to move. If I had my car here to take as much as I wanted, I’d have kept them all. As it stands, I’m taking 3 boxes of stuff, and leaving about a box of stuff for them to store. I’m trying not to get too upset about leaving all of my things behind.

My mom, of course, is not happy at all with the moving thing primarily because it means getting rid of so many things. She’s very materialistic, but also these things represent the last 30 years of her life. They mean something to her, or she wouldn’t have them. My dad keeps claiming it’s only stuff, but to her it’s more than that. I understand both sides. Simplifying life and limiting the number of possessions you have makes logical sense. It’s practical. I’ve just been doing that for a few weeks. That said, sometimes “stuff” is more than that, and there is meaning attached. Even if it sits in a box or in a corner, there is comfort taken from having it because you know it’s there. If something so small can add comfort or stability to your life, what’s the harm? I know my mom borders hoarders, but still, there’s merit to her depression this time.

I’m not sure what will end up happening, but the whole thing just further reinforces that there is no going home now, no going back. I’ll never again be living at home. I won’t even be home for more than a day or two. I won’t get to spend time with my family except once or twice a year for a few days. As much as they’re nuts, I love them and family is very important to me. It’s so hard living so far away. I wish I was close enough to come visit more frequently, but the jobs I want just aren’t out there. Then, of course, I start debating going back into local government. I know on many levels I’d be happy doing that type of work. Only now, my life is built in DC – my friends are all in DC, not in my hometown. Indianapolis has more folks, but it isn’t my community like DC is.  When I’m living day to day life in DC, I don’t feel homesick all the time because I keep myself too busy and fulfilled for that, but when I go home I get so comfortable and it’s just HOME, and it makes me wish for things to be a little different. All this change and upset at once is just difficult. Growing up isn’t easy.