First off, I’ve learned that I’m really terrible at resisting temptation when I’m on vacation. I can generally make better choices than I would’ve before, but it’s hard, especially when relying on other people’s kitchens and cooking. When I’m home, I control when I eat out, where I eat out, and the caloric content of my snacks and breakfast. At other places, egg whites and the like are not in abundance, and so I start my day immediately 300 calories above where I want to be. More than that, I still am a bit of a food tourist, and I like seeing the unique sweets or restaurants a place has to offer. When there’s no gym available, and honestly, when no one else is working out or prioritizing fitness, it’s difficult to get that in too. I went to Boston a few weeks ago and to Philly/NYC this weekend, and both times I ended up completely off-base in my fitness and food choices. It sucks, because I do so well at home, but then I see little to no progress because of those weekends.
Anyway, aside from that, I’m an emotional mess. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for a few weeks now. I feel tired and about to cry a lot of the time. Work has been busy, which is good, but my current supervisor is completely incompetent and that wears on me. My dude and I had a slip up, of sorts, because of him being really stupid about something. Given that, it’s been really hard to trust him and to relax about our relationship. Doubt festers and breeds jealousy, which are negative emotions that I don’t like experiencing. They change how you view people and experiences, and that’s not good. We’re working on it, but it’s challenging.
More than anything, though, is the persistent missing of my mom. As time goes by, the reality of it sets in more and more. It’s so hard. My dad is actively dating this other woman, which sucks, and yet he also is really lonely and sad when he’s not with her, which sucks too. My sister isn’t doing all that great – her job was seasonal and is over, and she has too much time on her hands, and it’s easy to see the toll that’s taking. On my end, I just feel alone. I know I’m not; I have family, friends. The world, and their worlds, don’t and shouldn’t revolve around me at all.
That said, it’s difficult. People are very self-involved, and the ones who do reach out have such negative things going on in their own lives (or their outlook is just that way) that it doesn’t aid the situation. More often than not, though, people are just really busy, too busy even to reach out to call or check in. People don’t use the phone at all, which never used to bother me, but now does. People don’t ask about my mom or how any of that’s going, as if it just didn’t happen. Maybe they just don’t know what to say, but it feels like they don’t care. People that don’t live nearby put the onus all one me – if I want to talk, I can call, and they’ll try to answer, but that’s the most anyone has offered and it seems pretty fake, honestly. I just wish people would voluntarily reach out on their own – it’d make me feel a lot more cared for.
Really, it just makes me want to hole up and never reach out to anyone. It puts me in the “would they notice if I X” mindset. Really, there’s nothing less comforting than having people consistently check their calendars for weeks out and still not having time for our friendship. I hate it even more because people keep throwing it back to me like “this used to be you” in terms of my schedule. And yes, for a few years, my schedule was constantly booked. The difference, though, is I always found time for people. If someone wanted to hang out, I made sure to find a time within a week or, at most, two, to dedicate time to that person (which was WHY my schedule stayed so booked). I also sent emails and articles and such to people in the interim to foster the relationship. These people, it’s not like that. It’s harder because I’m in a place right now where I need people more than ever, and yet I’m the one trying so hard to make it work, and I feel like this is a time when I shouldn’t have to try like that.
It’s all worse after this weekend and with the holidays approaching. It was extremely difficult to spend time with my dude’s family. It’s awesome seeing him in that environment, and I like meeting the people he cares about. That said, seeing his mom interacting with the family and him, and doing all the things my mom used to do…It just brings home how I’ll never have that again, and I will never again have someone to look out for me or care about me in that way. I don’t have that cheerleader, that source of love and comfort (and occasionally that pain in the ass).
When it comes to the holidays, thanksgiving will be nice. I’ll see my aunt and uncle, and my dad, and the dude is coming with. Thing is, I haven’t spend thanksgiving with my parents in years, so that’s not as painful. Christmas, however, is going to be a nightmare. Being back home in the house without her, being near my sister and her overwhelming emotion and grief, and having no one to hold together the traditions. My dad’s already discussed not even doing presents, which right there is already upsetting. I may get to see some friends from high school, but really, I won’t have anyone there for me. It’s all about me holding together the traditions and making sure everyone else holds it together, but as per usual, no one ever checks in to see how I’m doing. That’s not how my family works. I thought my dude was coming with, but his mom’s birthday is that weekend and birthdays are a huge deal in his family, and honestly, it’s ridiculously expensive to go to where I’m from. I couldn’t pay for it without my dad helping me, so I do get that. And, as always, time off is hard to get.
I struggle balancing what’s fair and reasonable to ask for as a need with what my partner may wish to do of his own initiative. On the one hand, it’d make a huge difference to me to have him there. I could really use the emotional support. On the other hand, can I ask him to spend the money and take the extra time off work, potentially stressing his time with his family? That seems unfair. Plus, the woman side of me feels like it should come from him; if he doesn’t want to be there, doesn’t feel the need to be there, then I don’t want him there…even if that makes it even harder for me.
Anyhow, emotional train wreck, basically.
And no shit, five minutes after I finished writing this (at work, since that’s where I was hit with emotion today), my dad emails to say he booked a vacation for an 11 day European trip with his new girlfriend. The vacation is in april. Serious, much? And only 2 and half months after his wife of 33 years unexpectedly died. WTF? If I wasn’t a wreck before…