Kinky Book Reviews

Bonds of Trust by Lynda Aicher

This is the first of a series surrounding the owners at a club. This particular book is about a woman in her early 40s, recently divorced, who is pursuing sexual freedom and fun for the first time in her life. These quotes stuck out to me as representing a dynamic I’d like to have, or as being especially hot or provoking.

  • “She glanced down, his sharp gaze just a bit too insightful for her to handle at the moment. ‘Look at me, Cali.’ There it was. That calm command that had her inhaling against the flash of burning desire rushing through her system.”
  • “The slight pressure of Master Jake’s hand at the small of her back kept her grounded.”
  • “Cali’s hand came up to grip Jake’s forearm, but she didn’t stop his slow, sensual movements over her stomach. It was as if she were searching for something to hang on to, to keep her grounded. And she’d reached for him. Good.” —> This is why I like it when a man maintains physical contact while hurting or dominating me.
  • “‘Don’t,’ he commanded, his grip flexing on her sides. ‘Don’t hide what you’re feeling for me. I want to hear everything. Every sound, every moan, every desire you feel. Understand?'” –> I need this type of encouragement, as I’m really quiet/tend to hold back noises with people.
  • “She felt no shame in begging. Not with him. He would give her what she craved. It was so freeing to be able to ask for what she desired and know she’d get it.”

Bonds of Need by Lynda Aicher

This book was about another partner in owning a BDSM club and a girl with an abusive ex. She’s trying to suppress her masochism because of her negative experiences with pain in the past.  There was a lot that rung true to me in this book, but only one quote that stood out above all others:

There is no pleasure in being beaten. That’s an act of violence. And I would never be violent toward you. No real Dom would. The pleasure comes in submitting and trusting. In finding release in the freedom you get from letting go. The pain only heightens the feelings, releases the endorphins and reaffirms the trust you’ve given away.

Exactly.

Bonds of Desire by Lynda Aicher

This third book involves the third male partner of the BDSM club, and his interactions with a male switch and a female submissive. The female submissive is a control-freak attorney who is afraid of being submissive like her mother, and is brand-new to kink. The male switch was a gay whore who ended up essentially raped, and has terrible self worth. It was definitely interesting, hot, and a dynamic different than most I’m used to. There was only one quote that spoke to me, and it involved being touched by the Dom. He had a tendency to firmly grip the back of the male switch’s neck, which instilled a sense of comfort and submission. Regarding that:

Just one touch, right there, and all of the tension dripped from him, leaving behind nothing but calm compliance. Right now, he would do whatever the Dom wanted. Anything.

There are two other books in this series that I haven’t read yet, and I think more are on the way. I highly recommend them all.

Vulnerability

I put a decent amount of information about myself into the abyss. Some of it is easily accessible and connected to me, some is easily accessible so long as you know my pseudonym, and some is embedded.

My literotica stories and tumblr, for example, are linked to my fetlife profile. My stories and tumblr are linked from the blog. Those are easily accessible, as long as you know my fetlife handle. My blog, however, isn’t directly linked to my profiles anymore, but rather is inside an “about me” separate page on my tumblr. Sometimes, my WP stats tell me if someone was referred from there. Sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes people follow me and it alerts me, but rss readers don’t alert me.

My point is, I’m reasonably aware that people can access my erotica or tumblr, but have no clue when people are reading my blog. It’s a bit disconcerting, really, because sometimes I want to be very candid, but I’m worried people will read it and realize I’m talking about them (or think I am when I’m not).

Most people I know nowadays post everything via notes and journal entries on fetlife. I never like that, though, because then people’s response validates me or makes me feel rejected, and I don’t write for validation. Writing, for me, serves several purposes:

  1. It’s cathartic. I process emotions better when I write about them. I reinforce feelings of gratitude, I can logically go through problems, I can visualize my emotions and potentially apply reason to them. I’m not great at talking through emotionally heavy things with people, and I spent many years with lots of emotions pent up inside. That wasn’t healthy. Writing about these feelings, whether it be anonymously or privately, helps me release those emotions.
  2. The readers in my abyss may learn from me, and I can learn from their comments/responses.
  3. I may give someone wank fodder, which is kind of hot to think about.
  4. There’s a slim, slim chance that some Domly/Toppy dude will take an interest in me, stalk me, and get a whole bunch of insight into how my mind works, better enabling him to fuck with me and ultimately control me. Again, communicating about my feelings in terms of submission is possible for me, but I’m not great at initiating that conversation. Things on here sort of make that difficulty irrelevant.

Thing is, that last one, that’s the thing that I both want and fear. It’s a level of vulnerability to someone that I don’t normally have. Knowledge is power, and if someone stumbles onto this blog, they have a lot more knowledge about me than I do them, and that puts them in a position of power. That makes me nervous. There’s great potential for arousal and submissive feelings and all that fun stuff, but with that comes great potential for someone to hurt me. (Such is power exchange.) Up until now, the only men who have shared that they’ve read up on me are relationships that have not ended positively. It doesn’t bode well, but I still retain hope.

I really wish there was a better way to know who my readers are, so that I know when to self-censor on here and so that I could better prepare myself for interactions with different folks.

Pondering Writing

I’m debating between two different story ideas. I want to write something before the year is out, so time is a-wasting. My options:

1) Focus on mental bondage, or self-restraint — a submissive making herself available for pain, being teased and brought to the edge, then required to ask for the things she fears the most in order to get satisfaction. Realizing that satisfaction is doing what pleases him, regardless of what her state is, and surrendering to that. Him manipulating her to enjoy the things she fears, to need the implement of her fear in order to get off.

2) Charity auction. Girl has been unallowed to touch or have sexual contact of any kind for a week. At a local kink event, there’s a platform. She’s caged and exposed, blindfolded and gagged. There’s a sheet in front of her for a silent auction – up for sale is the decision of how many times she’ll be brought close to orgasm and denied (limit of some sort, TBD). Her Dom will do these teases. There’s also a bucket next to the paper – each dollar represents a minute she will be held at the brink of orgasm (edged) after the teases have been completed. There will be a live auction to determine who will get to do the edging. While the teases and edging happen, she’ll be miked so that her pleading and sounds combine with the music of the club as people play and party around them (the auction is a side event going on).

Which one do I write out? Grr. Both have been fermenting in my mind for a while. I think both have challenging parts that I need to figure out how to write in an exciting way. My goal is to choose and write one before I leave town on the 20th.

Story Idea and Thoughts on Play

I was fantasizing before bed last night, and I think I finally have some good inspiration for a story. On top of that, of course, it got me thinking about past experiences.

The basic premise of my to-be story is a focus on power exchange, pushing limits, and voluntarily suffering. Basically, instead of utilizing bondage to make someone helpless as in most of my writing, it would be using someone’s submission to her partner’s authority. Instead of being tied down, she must hold herself still. She must offer herself up for the things that are tormenting her – ask for them – even when she is crying from wanting them to stop.

As normally happens when I’m pondering a story idea, I started thinking about logistics, this time in the way of safewords and limits. How could the submissive character’s limits be pushed? How have my limits been pushed? Well, in truth, they’ve only been pushed a few times…I could count on one hand and precisely recall each time.

This came up a bit at Winter Fire, and I think the person I was playing with and trying to explain myself to didn’t get it at all. I’ve since tried explaining it to someone else who did seem to get it, so I’m not sure if it was me or him the first time. I could have just been too awkward to explain myself well. Anyhow, both times, I was trying a toy on my nipples that was excruciatingly painful. My nipples are very sensitive, but I do really like pain in that area. Thing is, there is pain that is pleasurable in and of itself, and then there is pain that just freaking hurts. I have a high tolerance, and I can endure the latter, but I do not desire to of my own free will. I will, however, gladly endure such pain if it pleases my partner. I will find extreme pleasure in suffering so deeply for my partner’s pleasure, mostly because of the strong sense of subjugation and power exchange. That difference – enduring for someone else versus for myself – is enough for my mind to switch all the sensations into this torturous pleasure.

So basically – put the little toy(s) on and ask me if I want it off – yes, I do. Don’t ask me and instead smile or get turned on by my pain – I’ll keep them on a little longer and won’t safeword. Should I be about to absolutely pass out from pain, I’ll safeword…but if you ask me if I want them off, of course I’m going to say yes!  Not too complicated, eh?

I guess my limits aren’t pushed usually because often, people ask me if I’m ready to stop. Usually, that’s a social cue that they’re ready to stop (or at least that’s how I take it). Most people at events have several shorter scenes, and I don’t want to monopolize anyone’s time. As a result, I’ll say sure, I’m ready to stop, even if I could go for much longer. By pushing limits, I mean I want to be pushed to the point where I want to stop, where I would beg for it to stop, and I want my partner to push just a bit farther. I want to scream and cry and plead, and have my partner revel in that power and choose when to stop as he so pleases.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to decide when clamps come off or a scene stops. I want my partner to trust that if it’s truly too much, I’ll safeword, and the rest of the time, do as he will and enjoy the hell out of it, and I’ll enjoy it equally as much in response. You are in control – stop the scene when you’re ready to be done, and I’ll stop it with a safeword if I need to. Don’t ask me when to do it or that puts me in control of everything!

New Erotic writing: Masochistic Desires

In theme with current fantasies, I wrote a new story. Here’s a snippet:

After years of playing and enjoying the BDSM community in my city, I’ve finally found a Dom who shares my kinks. I’m a submissive masochist, you see. While many enjoy rough play, even within the kinky world my desires run along the edge. I don’t want someone to just take me hard, but I also want the wicked gleam that promises evil things are coming my way. I want to revel in the darkness, to scream, to struggle, and eventually to surrender. I want to let the pain blossom inside me, curling through me and setting my nerves aflame. I want to feel the ache and bruises afterwards. I want my Dom to exploit my vulnerability and needs for his basest desires, with a side of tender love and savage fucking.

This rather…unique…combination hasn’t been easy to find. A few months ago, I met someone at a happy hour that immediately caught my eye. He almost immediately picked up on how to fluster me; I think I blushed during our entire conversation. His eyes lit up with mischievous glee for the entirety of our talk, and I went home dreaming about his big hands spanking me as that glint deepened into something far darker. We flirted, talked, and shared secrets and joked for a few weeks before finally going out solo. Our first date was completely vanilla, but at the end, he pinned me against my apartment door roughly, sucking and biting hard on my lower lip. It was then that I realized he might share a love for the harsher side of kink.

A few weeks later, I was certain he was sadistic, although I hadn’t gotten to experience to what extent. We had gone to fetish flea markets, classes, and happy hours. Sexually, we’d been taking it slow. We’d played lightly in public, sensually experimenting with his favorite flogger. We had sex, and again it was more vanilla than kinky, but the few bites and pinches had my desire spiraling out of control. After our second night together, we were lying in bed sipping wine and feeling much more open. I finally confessed how much I wanted him to hurt me, although I couldn’t bear to look at him while I forced the words out. I didn’t want to scare him away like so many others. I didn’t want him to just tease me or spank me — I wanted to suffer. I wanted him to make me cry, beg, and plead from unsatisfied desire (denial is a special kind of torture that my inner masochist adores). I wanted him to make me scream and sob in pain…and I wanted him to get off on it, take me to the edge, and then push me one step farther.

His silence was gut wrenching. He pulled me up for a passionate kiss, his desire taking me off guard. My body responded helplessly, and after another quick bout of hot sex, he looked me in the eye and whispered heatedly that he accepted the challenge.

On a Sunday night a week or two later, my Dom and I set up a date for the upcoming weekend. I wouldn’t be seeing him until the party on Saturday because our schedules conflict all week long. He let me know that he had rules for me for the week, if I agreed to obey them. He instructed me to tease myself. I was to choose one of the following to do each day: 1) tease my nipples for 15 minutes, 2) masturbate to the edge of orgasm without going over 3 times, or 3) tease my clit and g-spot with a vibrator for 10 minutes without climaxing. I could call and beg if it became too much and he would re-evaluate the situation. I have to check in each morning to let him know which option I chose and its eventual outcome. Friday and Saturday leading up to our date there would be no touching at all.

By the time our date night arrives, I’m incredibly needy. Earlier in the week, I had broken down over the phone, begging and in tears, but my Dom had talked me down. His husky voice telling me how much my suffering pleased him turned me on further, but dulled the pain of ruined orgasm to a persistent ache. During work on Friday, I could barely concentrate on my spreadsheets. My mind kept wandering to the following night’s promised torment, and I went through two pairs of panties. A coworker even asked if I was all right since I was so flushed from arousal. When Saturday finally arrived, we met at the party to set up with our friends, and the sexual tension could be cut with a knife.

Throughout set-up and the beginning of the party, my Dom teases me with casual caresses and kisses. He has me watch some friends do a sexy scene with wax and knives while imprisoning my hands behind my back and forcing my ankles apart with his legs. I can feel his hard cock pressing into my backside, and it ratchets my desire higher. I can feel my arousal soak my panties, and a surge of need empowers me. I struggle in his arms to turn around, looking up at him with my passion clear in my eyes. After a lingering look, I force myself to lower my eyes and I mumble a plea to him. I can feel his smirk, and he grips my chin to meet my gaze again. He knows how much more difficult it is for me to vocalize my desires when he’s looking at me, and I feel my cheeks redden even further. He raises an eyebrow, and I finally stutter out a plea for him to let me worship his cock with my mouth. His eyes darken, and he simply nods. I feel the excitement course through me, and slightly giddy, I grab his hand and pull him after me until we’re by a chair in the kitchen. It isn’t exactly the most private or classy place, but I don’t care. I look up to check with him and he seems aroused and amused, so I don’t worry about it too much.

I unbutton his jeans and happily realize he’s gone commando. I saucily push him down into the seat, and while he still seems amused he raises his eyebrows again, letting me know retribution awaits later. Knowing this is my only chance to have him at my mercy, I revel in my small moment of power. I make eye contact and kneel in front of him. I move one hand to caress his balls while the other strokes him gently, my thumb teasing the sensitive head of his hard cock. He lets me play for a moment, as I fondle him into full hardness. I kiss the tip, swirling my tongue around and capturing the small bead of pre-cum. I smile at him as I pull back and lick my lips. His eyes darken even more and he gruffly orders my hands behind my back. I obey, focusing more on worshipping his cock with my lips and tongue. I lay one small, wet kiss after another down his dick before licking up the underside. On my return, I engulf his cock in my mouth, sucking firmly and swirling my tongue again. I sense his patience waning, and — keeping my eyes locked with his — begin moving up and down. I can take him pretty far before I start to gag, and I work through my reflexes to let my warm, wet mouth suck him in deep.

To finish it, go here: http://www.literotica.com/s/masochistic-desires. If you read it, please vote! Feedback always appreciated.

Day 21, 30 Days of Kink

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

So first off, I’m going to shamelessly promote the e-book site I frequent the most : jasminejade.com (formerly Ellora’s Cave). They publish full-length novels that are BDSM-themed and romantic in nature, and really helped spawn my kinky interest.

As a second disclaimer – there is no way in hell I could pick just one favorite BDSM book. No way, no how. Here’s a sampling of some of my favorites.

I love Cherise Sinclair. Her Shadowlands series – all 6 of them – are incredible, with well developed characters and plotlines as well as depth into D/s and sexy kinky fun times. There’s also mystery and intrique, and who dislikes that?

Training to Pleasure by Julian Masters was one of the first kinky books I read, and it was a great introduction to some serious power play. I actually was in touch with the author for a while, and I really credit him for incorporating some safety measures into the book. It was extreme at times, but there was a romantic element that softened the power exchange, which appealed to me.

Zane’s Way and Maverick’s Black Cat by Maggie Casper are two other favorite books. I love the story-lines in these books, primarily because they address how to come out as kinky to a partner. They sort of play up awkward situations and turn them into happy endings, which fits my life well.

Other favorites:

For non-fiction, I’m a fan of Complete Shibari: Land by Douglas Kent, Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes, and Shibari You Can Use by Lee Harrington.

For erotic short stories that never fail to get me off, check out Culture Shock by Sir_Nathan (this is short novel length, though published on a free site), Boot Camp by MoxyIrish (this one is long and has a sequel), Tease by spankableBelle, and Lessons in Begging by Desdemona.

As a quick shout out, check out authors Sadey Quinn and Trent Evans, other bloggers who also write kinky erotica.  You can also check out my short erotic fiction (and vote on it!) at this handy link.

December Randoms

Today’s going to be a random’s day.

First, relationships are great, and sex is great, but they are for connection not ego. I feel like that gets lost in the kinky community sometimes with the prevalence of poly.

Second, I’ve lost 13.2 lbs in total now, as well as several inches from my waist and hips (and none from my bust, thankfully 🙂 ). I’m pretty happy with the way that’s going.

Third, I’m almost entirely finished with school for the semester! My capstone project is going well thus far, and we have direction which is good. We’re going to be working on financing aviation transportation. We’re still working on narrowing the scope. I think I’m going to get A’s in all of my classes, too, which is great.

Fourth, I’ve now applied for 27 jobs for post-grad. It may seem excessive, but that’s what you gotta do. Hopefully one will pan out! I’ve had a few inquiries in response, so I have hope. (The 6 months I have left to figure it out certainly help, too.)

Fifth, I got an outstanding review at work. My supervisors all told me they couldn’t think of any constructive criticism, and that I’m doing a great job. It’s nice to be rewarded for my hard work, and it was good to see what things they value in me (my initiative was a big one). I really love my job right now, it’s a perfect fit for me. I feel blessed to know what I like doing. If only the budget was figured out and I could stay there permanently.

Sixth, New Year’s Eve is a horrid movie. But, it did give me some thoughts on new years resolutions and made me feel a bit sentimental. I’ve never had a great New Year’s eve, mainly since I’m in Indiana for the holidays, and there’s not much there. I might try to swing a trip to Chicago this year.

Seventh, I keep having inklings of thoughts about one of my guy friends. I’m not sure what to do about it at this point, since dating someone in my program is a bad idea, he’s very vanilla, and I have no idea if he is also interested. That said, I really enjoy his company. For now, that’ll do. Plus, I don’t know how much of my interest stems from convenience, and that’s never a good idea.

Eighth, is it weird for a girl to randomly message a guy on fetlife? There are some men that seem interesting, but I don’t know if it is strange for the girl to make contact. It’s more strange too since I’m a bottom/submissive, so that naturally screams “don’t make the first move!” That said, I’ve never been great at holding off from pursuing things I’m interested in…  But I’m also very socially awkward with men, especially when I’m uncertain of the parameters of the contact. Ugh.

Ninth, favorite music of the moment includes David Guetta, The Band Perry, Florence and the Machine, Demi Lovato, Rihanna, and Christina Perri.

Tenth, I go home on Saturday! I’m excited to see my family. I had some hard times this week communicating with my parents and having my mom’s bipolar get more crazy than usual, though, so I have more than a little trepidation about spending 3 weeks with all of the potential drama.

In other news, the writing bug is nipping at my toes. I’m not sure on inspiration right now, though. I may go the traditional route, and do something with the kink being uncovered by a seemingly vanilla friend, who then dominantly seduces the heroine.  I could do something with truth or dare. There’s also the allure of covert bondage in a public place. I could always do a traditionally romantic thing with meeting someone at a kink event, and maybe do a first date gone kinky. I’d love to do something that focuses more on S&m and less on teasing and denial, to break a little out of my shell, but I’m not sure of a good way to set that up. Hmm. Ideas are welcome.

Also, for some bizarre reason, I’m craving someone biting my neck. I just want someone to either use a pointy object or teeth on that spot just where the neck meets shoulder…*shiver* That would do it for me right now.