Randomness.

Life is mostly going quite well, minus work today. It’s ironic, because my friend just mentioned an insight I had forever ago about how it’s much easier and more liberating to submit to one person since then you don’t have to submit to everyone. I kind of forgot I’d written about that. Thing is, that’s really at the root of my cravings for some power exchange, I think, especially relating to work.

Specifically, I’m trying so hard to do my best and please people, but my manager doesn’t give me any rules or boundaries to do so. As a result, now all these other people that I should be pleasing aren’t all happy, but I don’t know what to do to fix it, it isn’t my fault when I had no way of knowing how to do so, and yet I still feel guilty and upset that I’m not what they want me to be (or arguably what I should be). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t massively screw things up or anything, but there are little things that I could have done better and didn’t know until it was too late. I want to be the best at what I do, but I can’t do that without guidance. Anyhow, I really want to just focus on pleasing one person, on obeying and submitting to his will, and knowing clearly what boundaries exist and whether or not I’ve crossed them.  Someday.

On to all the positives!

First, I know many people aren’t religious at all, but I do believe in a higher power. Getting that out there. Over the holidays and in the new year, I’ve put a huge focus on getting my finances in shape. It isn’t that they were out of shape before, so much as I want to budget better, save more, put more away for retirement, and eliminate any debt I have control over. (In that I don’t have control over student loan debt because it’s large and I’m working on public service repayment, but car loans, credit card bills, etc. I control.) I had this nagging stress because of my stupid credit card bill and no immediate or quick way to pay it down. Then, I did my taxes…and POOF! My return is almost EXACTLY what I need to pay them off! It’s amazing! To me, it feels something like a miracle for the level of relief it provides. I feel like my prayers were answered, and it’s awesome.

Second, Rapture was this past weekend and it was fabulous. I didn’t do many scenes, which fit my mood, but I did get to play with two of my very good friends. I feel like lately playing with folks has been more ridden with anxiety, stress, and worry than with pleasure, and it’s amazing what playing with friends changes. Namely, there’s no anxiety, worry, or stress, just pleasure. I can relax. I trust them, and I can just enjoy it. Plus, both people are great at the whole shit-eating-grin-sadist thing, making it all the better. Actually, in one scene, some random guy from the party popped in and interrupted us with “I just bust a nut!” taking me completely off guard and making me crack up, then later another friend made all of us dissolve into hysterical laughter. So much fun. I really just do better only playing with people I know very, very well. Not a surprise, per se, but annoying when I’d love to be the type of person who could play with anyone at will.

Another Rapture-related thing – I’m now training to be a DM. It means more work at parties, but I don’t mind. I learned during our first training session that I know a lot more about rope and safety than the average kinkster. I’m going to be compiling a list of safety points to share with the other monitors.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with new experiences lately too. I went to an Indian cooking class with a friend, which was fun and informative. Raw meat is disgusting, lentils are amazing, and I need to master spices. I also had Korean food for the first time and did karaoke with a group of mostly new friends. I always forget how much I love singing until I do it for a while. I’m also working on slowly building my spice tolerance so I can enjoy spicy food; hopefully one of these days I can avoid being the one to order mild everything.

Other random thoughts of the week:

  • It is really important to recognize and acknowledge the importance of your friendships with others. Moreover, knowing whether or not your love for another person makes it worth changing behaviors for them is vital but extremely difficult.
  • Yes, I’m type A. The satisfaction I get from planning things and executing them well, looking at a full calendar, crossing things off lists, and organizing my junk is unmatched. I hate how easy it is to be ashamed of these habits. When I embrace them, I’m much happier.
  • Being Type A doesn’t mean you can’t be submissive…it just means there’s more benefits there for the Dominant partner, should he choose to make use of them. It also often makes me that much more inclined to submit.
  • It’s wrong of me to stereotype groups of people by assuming they are going to stereotype me. Assume = ass out of u and me.
  • Despite all the progress and growth of the past few years, I still frequently fail at flirting. Unfortunate, that.

Updates and Unexpected Issue

I think I’ve decided that my weeknights should be low-key, inexpensive, and primarily introvert focused since I keep my weekends so busy. It can’t be both. This is a tad backwards than most folks I know, but whatever, to each their own.

I rediscovered my Wii this week with my roommate, and have gained a new obsession with Just Dance. It’s like zumba, only in the privacy of my home! Great cardio, fun music, and I don’t feel like it’s work…so that’s a good thing. I’ve also watched a ridiculous amount of the show My Boys this past week. I’m almost finished with all 4 seasons (context – it’s a 20 minute show on Netflix). I highly recommend it.

I started my weekend trying to be productive by going to the DMV. In the never-ending effort to register my car, of course the whole queuing and transaction system went down and they sent everyone home. I had them check my forms just so I was set for next time, and lo and behold, I was missing another form. So, off to the bank to get another form filled out, and I should be ready to get this shit done next time I can take off work to go.

After that, it was time for DC Rope! I linked the vanilla activity group I run to DC Rope, which should be good. There’s so much overlap that it made a lot of sense. It was great to catch up with a lot of folks and spend some time in rope, although it’s never enough. I want more…

I also volunteered at a wine event this weekend, which was crazy busy but a blast. I got to sample a bunch of wines, and I realized I really enjoy pouring wine. I generally like pouring tea and all drinks, but this was especially fun. I’m a pretty good salesperson, and I liked learning my product and persuading people to try it. I would really enjoy selling for a winery or working for a supplier.

I went to a “Slumber Parties” party and bought a new sex toy yesterday…I know, I really didn’t need ANOTHER one…but I couldn’t resist! It’s like the search for the perfect pair of heels, only trying to achieve the penultimate orgasm via toy. I don’t have a hitachi, since personally they freak me the hell out. They’re too strong. I keep buying toys though, and at the end of the day I always end up back with my $5 vibrating bullet. In an effort to get over my penetration issues, I’ve been trying to use insertable toys more. I’m wondering if I can charge them to insurance… The new toy is fancy and made of a smoother non-jelly material. It’s an insertable intended to hit the g-spot with an external clit stimulator.

So then of course I went home to use my new toy…and poof problems ensue. Right now, I don’t have a strong interest in anyone, which has put me in a strange place. I used to always get off to fantasies with faceless men. In the past few years, I’ve taken to getting off to fantasies involving whichever men I’m into at the time. So, without a particular man floating my boat, I don’t have someone to put into my fantasies…and that’s awkward. I actually logistically stumbled in getting off last night. Crazy! Instead I had to go back to focusing on the actions and fetishes and how they make me feel, the situations, instead of the people…which did eventually work, just took some paradigm-shifting.

On the plus side, I think I have a new story idea. It involves an innocent woman getting arrested. An appealing guard notices her involuntary reactions to handcuffs and chains, and taking pity on her knowing the trials and dangers of holding cells and jail that she’ll face while waiting to be absolved, he offers an alternative. It’s a bit in the reluctance/non-consent department, but since I’m too logistically focused, there will be safe words and other options so that she has a choice, there’ll be a romantic element, and of course teasing, denial, minor objectification, and bondage. There may even be co-topping with another guard in the picture.

Pre-Fetish Ball

DC Fetish Ball is tonight. I really don’t own any fetish clothing…it’s now becoming an issue. I always go back to the same debate – the clothes that I have that are sexiest are not really great for playing in. I can wear my corset with tights and a skirt, but then if I want to do any form of impact play on my back, it’s hard to feel through the corset and I don’t feel comfortable taking it off entirely in this setting. I’m not going to be nude at an event that is open to people outside the scene. I can wear this sexy red thing I have, but the way it’s cut, only one bra works with it.  Then I’m back at the meh clothing, aka stuff that looks nice, but isn’t really anything super sexy or kinky. Grr.

I’m a bit nervous, as I always am. I know several people attending, and I’m excited for the opportunity to learn more about electric stuff, knives, and floggers. I know there will be opportunities for play, which is fun. I’m hoping it will be easy to establish my boundaries of no-nude in this public a space, no sex, etc. I’m just not too sure on how it’s all going to work out. It’s definitely a learning process for me. I do feel a little bit heathen-ish, especially since it is Sunday, and my roommates will be coming home from church as I leave to attend this event.

In other news, this weekend has been chock-full of productivity. I did 5 loads of laundry (sheets and towels were included – don’t judge me), I took my car for a full inspection, oil change, etc. I got my brakes adjusted, new windshield wipers, my tires rotated and filled with air, and chips in my windshield fixed. I also learned that I need to fix the control arms on my car, which is going to be like $1,000…not so good news. I finally bought lamps for my room, so now I can see at night. It makes things much homier. I still need a chair though.

I also bought some vitamins and a scale. I figured if I’m going to keep up my dieting and all this loveliness, I should be doing so in the most healthy way possible. I’ve lost 8lbs in a month, which is great. I’m more focusing on being in better shape and healthy than superficial numbers. I’m not unhealthy – my blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. is all in order and always has been. That said, I’ve been getting headaches a lot more just recently, and I’m debating working up to doing some form of 5K or half marathon. I’m a relatively competitive person, and I’ve always focused that energy towards accomplishing my academic and professional goals. Now that I’ve really come close to accomplishing those things, I need new goals. I think focusing my competitive and ambitious energy on working out and training will be better in the long run.

I’ve really grown a lot in the last few months. I’m coming into my own. I’m a lot more confident and secure, and I’m more self aware. I am now just working on asserting my opinion and my boundaries with men. I always want to please, which sometimes leads to me ignoring what I actually want for myself. That’s an area I’m working on.

In a separate random, I’ve got a killer blister on my foot. It’s really impeding in my ability to wear my new boots, which is pissing me off. Grr. BUT, I got the blister from walking back to the office from the Hill, where I got to attend a briefing. And next week, I’ll get to do part of the briefing myself :). I love being part of the political process. I learned at work about our ethical code last week, and how I can never have an opinion or anything like that (independent agency that lives in a glass box), so I like being involved in the ways I can be.

Self Awareness and Personal Growth

This weekend has been a whirlwind.

It started with rope and fun times, then went into a super-deep conversation with my roommate about self-acceptance and personal growth. I did laundry, had a great dinner, saw a really funny movie, and bought lots of magazines for super cheap. I had a massage, bonded with a friend, bought a beautiful painting for my mom, went to church for the first time in years, had dinner with some great new people, and had some very, very deep conversations about religion.

There are many things at play in my life and in my knowledge of myself.

I am very much a mix of melancholy and sanguine (http://armchair_academic.homestead.com/PersonalityComp.html). I like rules, structure, order, and pleasing others. I dislike social awkwardness. I’m attracted to traditional societal norms and roles for these reasons. I like preppy clothing and high etiquette. I am on a journey to figure out what exactly my faith means. I love a lot of myself, but I find it difficult to accept certain things that I know are unhealthy traits. I struggle with insecurity at times, primarily stemming from too much concentration on what other people think.

This is who I am, this is the reality of things that go through my mind. Feminist, traditionalist, impatient, stubborn, adventurous, pure, spiritual, kinky, sexual, trusting, skeptical, inquisitive, analytical, cheerful, accepting, unforgiving, adaptable, polite, friendly, loyal….these are all words that could be used to describe me, no matter how contradictory, pleasant, or unpleasant they may be.

I am continuing on my journey to discovering what makes me who I am and how I can confidently be who I am going forward.

Procrasturbating

Borrowing the title phrase from a friend.

I MUST. STOP. Procrastinating.

Clearly I’m failing at that already, given this posting.

For serious though, the more I have to do, the worse it gets. Don’t worry, everything gets done, it’s just that it could be being done so much more efficiently. This bothers me…but not enough to change my work habits.

The countdown is almost finished, though. I have two classes tomorrow, and then it’s just a series of exams/papers. To be exact: 1 hw assignment, 3 group papers, and 4 exams and I’m done! I’m most worried about my financial analysis and management science exams. I can do very poorly on finanal and still get an A-, but since I’ve missed a whole bunch of classes, I’m concerned. Man Sci will just be super hard, because it always is, but it is also awesome so that’s ok.

Dream apprenticeship job for next year has decided to look at resumes. I have a meeting set for when I get to DC, and fingers crossed they will be willing to hire someone and that someone will be me! There is one other person in my program who wants the position too, which sucks, but if I can get there in person I think my passion will pull me through.

I got some more $$ for the summer. I’m officially able to cover metro, rent, and moving, and will just be left with food and fun to charge to credit cards. This is acceptable. Not a dream situation, but hopefully worth it. Now if only my security clearance forms would come… The pissiest part of this is that if I have to start my work later, I could have stayed in Pittsburgh longer or gone home for a bit. Uncertainty stinks.

Kinky munch yesterday went pretty well, if rather socially exhaustive. Trying to catch up with people, avoid awkwardness, and remain entertaining can take its toll in a group of 50ish people. I did alright, but I still haven’t managed to be able to eat at one of those things. I get too nervous and lose my appetite. I think this is why I much prefer game nights – you’re guaranteed something to do, something to talk about, and an easy way to initiate laughter. Despite that, I did enjoy myself and it was nice to escape grad school world.

Basically, I really, really need to release stress. I think that is part of why I’m procrastinating so much. The stress level amongst the peers in my program is through the roof. If I were in a vacuum, I’d be fine. Unfortunately, I tend to really feel it when people I know aren’t doing well, and so when everyone freaks out it freaks me out. Combined with the number of group projects, and these lingering deadlines that kind of leave you feeling scattered, it doesn’t make for a good mindset. So, by the time the day is done and I’m home, all I want to do is read or watch tv or whatever. Or hurt someone, but I tend not to go that way.

So, stress release. Best ways to do this: serious masochistic release or helplessness time. Best available option: accomplish something, clean, then reassess. Probably go to bed, and sleep / take care of business.

On a totally random note, I just googled euphemisms for masturbating (you know you’re procrastinating when…), and found this site, which is utterly ridiculous:

http://www.thechurning.com/2007/01/04/masturbation-euphemisms-jilling-rubbing-one-out-spanking-the-monkey-etc/

Some snippets: bop the bologna, making the beaver swim, hand to gland combat, acting out grapes of wrath…and many more. The sheer crudeness of these is hilariously disgusting.

Playing is fun

Shocker, right?

I’m in a spank-happy place right now. I can only imagine what it would be like to have pain regularly…I think I would be a lot more centered.

I also have yet to experience significant pain while being bound, or while being sexually stimulated. I can only imagine the type of reaction it will bring. Whoever gets to be that lucky man will have to be prepared. Someday!

Besides that, I’ve had a great weekend! I did all my homework (kicked some ass at this hard monte carlo/crystal ball forecasting stuff), did laundry, grocery shopped, made awesome dinner with friends, hung out with some kinky folk, did more homework, hung out with different kinky folk, discovered a new part of town, saw the movie “Paul,” got to roll around in a grocery cart, and got to enjoy some sadistic teasing and spanking.  Productivity and fun in a bunch of ways – what more could I want?